The holidays are a fertile time for high hopes. Perhaps there are a few material objects that could bring us joy, or maybe we’d just like a few things to break our way as the year draws to a close — and some help from a certain jolly fella is as good a way to get it as any.
There are many readers who are facing some long odds and the prospect of any help — even from Santa — would be a welcome gift. Finally, maybe all this wishing and hoping is just an occasion for some good, old-fashioned humor.
We asked readers to share their Christmas wishes and got all manner of responses. And then we had our staff channel (satirically, of course) some of the movers and shakers in town to see what might be on their minds (and consciences) this season.
What we came back with was a rollicking portrait of metro Detroit’s wants and needs. And that’s always fair game. Why? It’s right in our city motto: “We hope for better things.” Happy Holidays, Motown.
—The staff of Metro Times
And the Deer, Too?
It has been a long time since you asked me what I wanted for Christmas (not as long since I [last] sat on a fat man’s lap), but since you’re asking … I would really like a nice collection of vibrating sex toys.
As a 42-year-old divorcee, I have really come to appreciate toys on an entirely new level … but those motherfuckers (no pun intended) are expensive! Rings, rabbits, bullets and wands are all welcome. After that, if you still have room in your budget, I would also like a really good set of kitchen knives and some TV trays. Bring me what I ask for and I will make it worth your while, Santa — and those reindeer of yours too.
—Female, 42, Grosse Pointe
This year for Christmas I just want to be happy. I have concluded that happiness does not come from material things and I know you usually work in terms of gifts based on a good-bad scale, but I don’t know who else to ask. I tried praying and I think God just wants me to work too hard. If it is any consolation, however, I think I’ve been pretty “good,” or at least I try.
Much thanks, I’ll be sure to leave out some cookies if you do decide to stop by.
—Male, 28, Detroit
I hope you and Mrs. Claus are well. I know that you get millions of letters and I know I wasn’t especially good this year. If you could find it possible to bring me back to Detroit with a job, I’d appreciate it. This New York shit isn’t working out for me. I hate it. The tacos all suck compared to Timmy’s tacos. The parties all suck compared to We Can’t Be Friends and Pussyboys™ parties. The people all suck compared to everyone in Detroit.
Even the people I don’t like in Detroit are better than the people I kinda “like” in New York. So, yeah, all I want is to come back home and have a job that actually works for me. Well, and some of Timmy’s tacos. Thanks, big guy. You are amazing!
—Male, 34, New York City, N.Y.
Furnace Misfortune — and an X-Box
You have always been my favorite guy and I hope you can help me. I need either a furnace or a heat exchange for the one I have. After smelling gas, I called Consumers Energy. They quickly responded and discovered that my heat exchange was bad and tagged my furnace as unsafe. The carbon monoxide levels were extremely high and we are lucky to be alive. It’s super cold.
I’m a single mom on disability and have no way to pay for the furnace. My 16-year-old son would ask you for an X-Box. He is such a good kid! Merry Christmas!
—Female, 46, Rochester Hills
Sit on it, Santa! Awww, Whatevs …
Could you please not show up this year? Really, don’t show up. This world needs a little tough love. Nothing seems to get across to people. The whole world seems to be getting worse and worse. Is it me or is it that I am getting older and that haze of bullshit your parents wanted hidden from you just surfaces and you then just redo what they tried to do? Does that make sense? You lie to your children to comfort them. I’m not hating on that fact, I just want a fucking revolution and do not know how to go about it. Well, Santa, I feel a little better now that I have vented. Scratch the beginning of my letter. Come on through. We all love Santa Claus.
—Female, Age Unknown, Detroit
Is That You, Kid Rock?
You suck. First of all, what the fuck happened last year? I don’t mind if you use my house as a piss-stop, but if you are gonna bring your fly-by-night whores to my house, at least have the common courtesy to take your “Christmas wrappers” with you. Not to mention (although I am about to) the tirade of perversity echoing through the halls from you and your hoe-hoe-hoes [that] woke everyone in the house, which I had to cover with “I’m just watching Showtime, go back to sleep.” It sounded like you were shooting an S&M film in my kitchen.
Secondly, I want to personally thank Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Comet, Cue-ball and the freak Rudolph for destroying my roof and gutters, including structural damage to the trusses and ensuing water damage inside.
The “magic powder” you have been pumping them with all these years has surely had a long-term effect on their tiny chestnut brains. It cost me $18,500 in repairs, plus having to personally powerwash reindeer diarrhea off the siding on the north and west facades. Yes, not the first time I’ve had to clean up fairy-dust water shits off my house. And do you think the insurance company covers any of that? Eff no! Merry Christmas to me!
And another thing; I know morale is down at the top of the world, but my kids aren’t exactly filled with holiday splendor and don’t appreciate (nor does anyone) unwrapping Tim Horton’s gift cards and obviously re-gifted Bath & Body Works gift packs on Christmas morning. They are 5 and 3 years old. What in God’s sweet balls makes you think that is gonna fly? I can’t help but think that the lack of quality toy production is linked to poor and abusive management — meaning you. Like I said earlier, you suck.
Which brings me to my Christmas list.
My one and only Christmas wish this year is that you and your derelict freakshow stay the fuck away from my house. You need to get your shit together. In the meantime, you will be hearing from my attorney. Merry Effing Christmas. I hope Rudolph finally kamikazes your party bus. And have a shitty New Year. Absolutely motherfucking serious.
—Male, 42, Macomb Township
Be More Specific, Whydoncha?
My wish is for a 2013 Rolls Royce Wraith, white with white interior, red piping, black and white ebony woods, red pinstripes with a monogrammed driver’s door “RC” and red-tint windows with red Lexani 24-inch rims. Please, please, please! And a lifetime membership with RROC too!
—Male, 43, Lapeer
Quick, Sick Joke
Alls I really want for Christmas is PS4! I’ve been good all year and it would be sooo cool to get one! Also, if you give my dad new feet; he has bad diabetes and the doctors had to cut them off last year :( Thank you, Santa. :)
—Male, 33, Detroit
Break the Mold!
I would love to wake up in a new home with my family. As of right now, we are living in a mobile home that has mold in it. I just want to afford to move out and feel safe. Thank you.
—Female, Age Unknown, Northville
How About a Sleigh?
For Christmas, I would love a new car (preferably the new Chevy Impala!). I currently drive a 2001 Jeep Grand Cherokee that is having starting issues even after I paid over $500 for maintenance (tuneup, oil change, etc., and another $430 last month on four new tires), and I need a dependable vehicle to get back and forth to work and school.
And Santa, I would be so appreciative if I received this gift that I would have no problem donating my current car to a local charity.
—Female, 39, Detroit
Spoil the Child
Dear Mr. Kringle,
I am a 31-year-old mother of a wonderful 5-year-old boy. Of course you knew that, being Santa and all. I personally don’t want anything for myself. I want my son to wake up on Christmas morning and have everything he wants or needs.
That’s all I want. Well, that, and if you could just help one more person who is in need. Any person, you can pick since you have your “list” and all. I know you will find the right one. Thank you, Santa.
—Female, 31, Wyandotte
Best Christmas List, Ever!
For Christmas, I want:
• 24-hour, frequently running buses that show up on time, every time;
• Decent equipment for firefighters and resources for arson investigation, so there will not be fires every damn day;
• Good city schools that support every student;
• Libraries with the resources to provide more hours and more computers to patrons;
• Jobs with living wages for city residents, and lastly;
• A chalice, filled with the tears of L. Brooks Patterson and presented to me on a platter by Rick Snyder. I’ve been good.
—Female, 29, Detroit
P.S. You can take back the highway expansions. We don’t need them. Thanks.