by Jason Singer
When Detroit has two billionaire sugar daddies, how could it possibly go bankrupt? With One-Percenters like Mr. Basketball and Mr. Baseball/Hockey buying up Detroit faster than the Vatican pays hush money, you’d think Detroit’s pimps’ wallets were just too big to fail.
But somehow they did.
A sugar daddy is like a genie — if a girl rubs his lamp, he will spew out wishes. So, clearly Motown’s first problem is learning how to please its masters; nothing a little lube and tax cuts can’t fix.
Sure, many say that Detroit is much better off now than where it was 10 years ago, but then it didn’t declare bankruptcy 10 years ago did it?
Basketball and Baseball putting so much faith in Motown is sort of like when you root for the one-legged Olympian just because he is the underdog and it seems socially and morally correct. And it isn’t until that Olympian allegedly shoots his girlfriend that you realize you made a mistake.
And, before all you haters out there send death threats just because I made a realistic criticism of Detroit, stop mixing the Ricin and hold off a minute.
I, too, used to advocate the premise of what a “fantastic and misunderstood” city we live in. Detroit is rooted in cultural and economic breakthroughs that laid the foundation for the automotive industry and had a profound influence on the music industry.
It is safe to walk out at night and grab a drink with friends. With numerous small businesses and restaurants popping up across the city, it’s hard not to feel excited about living in a place slowly rising back to the top.
But, of course, reality set in as soon as the judge’s gavel struck wood and bankruptcy was no longer just a looming threat.
For starters, the population needs to stop electing Class One Morons who claim to be politicians when they are just criminals — in rented suits. Greeters at Walmart could run this city better.
Sure, Detroit is better than say Kabul, or Cairo. However, that doesn’t mean its exempt from being behind other cities and states even as close as Grand Rapids. That is a story of a city that was going to shit, elected people with an IQ, and turned its piss into lemonade.
Detroit is a great city. Where else can you buy up real estate for a few pennies, get tax breaks on it, and claim to be a billionaire savior of a poor city when you are making money by being ‘charitable’? Where else can you see dried blood splattered on Grand River — right across from the Puppet Theatre — with a policeman standing next to it harassing a drunken homeless man. (If you doubt me, go check out the stains on the concrete). Where else can you get elected to public office and make seven figures by smuggling funds that should go to schools, but go to your stripper’s trust fund instead?
If bankruptcy holds up in court then it doesn’t look good for Detroit. The homeless man will have a better credit score than the city!If I hear one more positive thing about Detroit’s Sugar Daddies I am going to puke up some blood splatter of my own. Going Bankrupt when you have a rich pimp propping you up is akin to drowning while wearing a life vest. If Baseball and Basketball are such angels, why don’t they toss a few million into the public schools and give kids an education they deserve? Or a couple mil to the police force to hire new cops and working equipment, so they can do the job they agreed to: Protecting the public.