Just like the dreary Christmas music bombarding your ear-holes from every single device that makes sound in a public space, every year around this time we are assailed with these dreadfully tasteful best-of lists. Every single writer, website, publication, and your mom— they each want you to behold their own wonderful, well-considered, eclectic, and mind-blowing list of the best music of the year, along with thoughtful commentary.
We're expected to gasp. "Can you believe how populist that publication is?" It's like they're right on the pulse of the populace, while also
unearthing incredible gems that you had no idea even existed in order to make you bow at their feet because they are the supreme taste-makers of the universe! "Can you believe what this website said, or didn't say, about the very popular singer Adele?" Oh, snap.
Also just like Christmas, these things have begun appearing earlier and earlier each year. 2015 is not even over yet, guys! Chill the fuck out.
Thankfully, a musician named Matt Weston has compiled a list which skewers the whole idea, and does it really well. It's a fake list of the best releases of 2015.
Fake best-of lists are not new, of course. We're reminded of Benjamin Franklin's send-up of the top contemporary lute and fife-and-drum hit-makers appended to his letter
Italian philosopher Giambatista Beccaria, the one where he described his invention the armonica
, and which he ended with that infamous mic drop, "Scopare i nemici"!
Three of our favorite quotes from Mr. Weston's list:
* "I'm told that, in live performance, Lo! The Gentle Woodland Creatures Wake
achieves a dramatic majesty not seen since the Andrew Lloyd Webber/Bright Eyes collaboration "Barely Audible Fragility: The Song-sation!"
* "Frenfrum's work is about so much more than watching a man stare at a computer screen. It's also about sound. I think. I'm pretty sure this disc is blank."
* "Who doesn't love a ride cymbal? Everyone loves a ride cymbal! See that ride cymbal? Hit it! Isn't that great?"
OK we will shut up before we basically quote the entire thing — go read it!