Fanatical enemies stalk from without. Venal corporate executives and their crooked bean-counters plunder from within. The market is shaky. The ice caps are melting. The cops just booted your car because you have 37 unpaid parking tickets.
Clearly, now is the time for all good men and women to come to the aid of their species, their country and community.
Let the Stars and Stripes unfurl. Cast your proud and heaving breasts toward the warm sunshine of a bright future. Flash your perfectly polished teeth and embrace the dysfunction.
Know, beloved readers, that things are quite a bit sweller than they seem. We are blessed, if not actually chosen. We are people of destiny. Don't worry. Be happy.
Our fearless leaders will lead; our peerless role models will entertain. Our industry will be industrious. All of them will spawn scandals. Yet our abundant malls will abound. We will consume and live. Our music will rock the planet.
And if that's not enough, Best of Detroit 2002 will inform and enlighten us all out of the Valley of the Shadow of Death.
Or, at least, through Delray.
This is not your father's Best of Detroit. Yes, we've conducted the annual Reader's Poll, and you have made your choices, which are dutifully disclosed within this pulsating document.
But let's face it. You can't be everywhere. So we've repurposed, dispatching our exacting connoisseurs and consumer advocates and tragically hip heroes to the four corners of this great commonwealth known as the Motor City.
We've made a shitload of our own picks. Most of them are sincere and utilitarian. A few are trivial. So sue us.
Ah, what the hell. Let's party!
Best of Detroit 2002: