Q: I am sunk into a depression over the election results. I started out Anyone But Bush but actually came to like John Kerry, which makes his defeat even harder. I feel like I am looking at four years of prison and share this country with a pack of baboons. Everywhere I look I see that smug bastard’s picture and I am filled with grief. Skip the sex for a week or a few weeks. I need advice on how to get through a second Bush term. Thank you. —A Freaked Fan
A: Before I get to how we’re going to deal with four more years of this shit, here’s the really hilarious thing about last Tuesday for me personally: My boyfriend and I have been looking for a house since June. Finding a house in the city where we live is harder than finding a secular humanist in a red state. So when we finally found a nice little three-bedroom that needed a new roof in a neighborhood near our son’s school, we jumped on it, made a bid, haggled with the current owners over the price, and finally signed all the papers on … Tuesday, November 2, 2004. It was noon and we couldn’t have been happier. We not only found a house, but exit polls had Kerry coasting to victory. Ah, the gay American dream — a boyfriend, a kid, our own home, and a Democrat headed to the White House.
Then 24 hours later we were wishing we never found that fucking house. Because now — right now, as I write this, the day after the election — we can’t picture ourselves staying in this country. I know, I know — lots of liberals, lefties, queers, actors and musicians threatened to leave the country if George W. Bush won in 2000. Very few of us left. Why? Here’s my theory: Because Bush actually didn’t win the election in 2000. Knowing that Bush stole the election, I was able to look my fellow Americans in the eye and think, shit, we didn’t elect this guy. The majority of us voted against the dumb asshole. And come 2004 we would vote him out. But he didn’t steal it this time; this time the asshole actually got elected. That changes things.
This is a disorienting time to be an American homo. George W. Bush appears to have won the White House on “values,” not security, “values” being code for gay marriage, abortion and stem cells — but mostly gay marriage. Anti–gay marriage amendments passed in 11 states, and pundits are saying that the anti-gay vote got Bush elected. OK, so America hates the gays — that I can live with, and it means we should probably get the fuck out while getting the fucking out is good.
But does America hate the gays? David Sedaris is a national phenomenon. That ol’ carpet muncher Ellen DeGeneres has a hit TV talk show. A pole-smoker writes the most widely syndicated sex advice column in the country. Lupe Valdez, a lesbian, was elected sheriff in Dallas County, Texas, last Tuesday. And George W. Bush gave his acceptance speech standing on a stage next to Dick Cheney’s carpet-munching daughter and her bull dyke girlfriend. (Let’s pause here to imagine the pit in hell these two lesbos will roast in.) This shit just doesn’t compute, America. Can we get some consistency here? Should we stay or should we go? I’ve got this cool new house — do I put it back on the market or what?
Back to you, AFF. Provided we don’t all leave, here’s how we get through a second Bush term: For at least the next four years, American lefties, artists, and queers should not consider this land our land; it is not a land of opportunity that spreads from sea to shining sea. No, we live on a chain of islands, an archipelago, not a continent. Sane people live on our islands — New York, San Francisco, Denver, Seattle, Portland, Madison, Austin, Boston and on and on, basically all the cities, in red states and blue, that voted for Kerry — and we may not be the majority right now, and it may feel like sea levels are rising, but, hey, we own all the best real estate. We’ve got the cities, the Northeast, the Midwest, and West Coast. And what have they got? The Wal-Marts, the West Virginias, the Alabamas, the McMansions and the mega-churches. Fuck ’em. Let ’em have that crap. We’ll fight the fuckers in two years during the midterm elections and take back Congress. And we’ll take ’em on again in four years and take back the White House. In the meantime, enjoy island life.
Q: I’m writing to hold you and every one of your readers to the promise that I know each of you made sometime within the last four years: “If Bush wins again, I’m moving to Canada.” Our border is open and we need the population. You will be welcomed here with open arms and warm bongs. Sure, you may not make as much money here, and you will have to wait in line to get that hip replacement, but at least your son will get a flu shot, your “partner” will be your spouse, and 51 percent of your countrymen are not stupid enough to vote Bush. Come join us — the grass really is greener here. —Canadians Abhor Nuts
A:Thanks for the invite, CAN, and I’m thinking about it. For other Americans thinking about heading north, I recommend these two websites: www.marryanamerican.ca (for laughs) and www.cic.gc.ca (for serious).
Q: I can’t believe that you fucking faggots could fuck it up for everyone like this. If you faggots had just waited until after the election to start getting married, then we wouldn’t have to put up with George W. Bush and Republican control of both houses of Congress. When they take away my grandmother’s Social Security to pay for the invasion of France, I’m going to point my finger in your face and say, “You helped this happen.” —Stupid, Stupid Faggots
A: I hear you, SSF. And while we’re apportioning blame for the current fucked state o’ the nation, let’s not forget all those stupid, stupid African Americans who fucked up the Democratic lock on the South by launching the civil rights movement. Jesus, we’d have a Democratic Senate right now if it weren’t for them! Remember what LBJ said when he signed the Civil Rights Act in 1964? “We have lost the South for a generation.” Wrong! The Dems wound up losing the South for two, three, four, or more generations. All because selfish blacks wanted to vote, get educations and sit wherever they damn well pleased on the bus. The nerve of some people!
Look, the gay marriage issue and the anti–gay marriage amendments brought the knuckle-draggers to the polls, for sure, can’t deny it. But one day Dems might thank us homos for this. The only consoling argument out there now is that the Dems dodged a bullet by losing this election. Iraq is a mess, the economy is a mess — the next four years are going to be an ugly shit storm. If Kerry had been in the White House, the Republicans and their media attack dogs would have pinned it all on the Dems. With Bush in the White House and the Rs still in control of Congress, they have no one to blame for the shit storm but themselves.
But, hey, if this cold-comfort analysis is wrong, SSF, if we all live to regret the gay marriage issue coming to a head, rest assured that all the dykes and faggots out there will pay a high price for it.Send letters to email@example.com