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Apocalypse flash



The heathens here at News Hits became sudden converts last week, falling to our knees and praying fervently that our manifest sins be forgiven, certain that Judgment Day was upon us. A certain sign the Apocalypse was nigh had just appeared in the pages of the Philadelphia Inquirer, which reported that our very own Gov. John Engler could be appointed the next head of the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency. Could great balls of hellfire be far behind? Giving us hope that there may indeed be a Supreme Being occasionally looking after the best interests of our fragile planet, Engler has since declared that he has no interest in the job. But it speaks volumes that the Bush administration would even consider an unabashed industry harlot like Big Bad John to be in charge of protecting this nation’s environment. The very prospect still has our heads spinning faster than that girl’s in The Exorcist. In fact, the idea is so utterly bizarre, we began searching our imaginations for some apt analogies to put it in perspective. After considerable thought, we decided it would be like …

David Duke heading the NAACP.

Michael Moore being elected president of the National Rifle Association.

Mother Teresa publishing Hustler magazine.

Larry Flynt publishing Highlights magazine.

Pope John Paul II directing the Kinsey Institute.

Minister Louis Farrakhan heading the Anti-Defamation League.

Howard Stern leading the National Organization for Women.

Tipper Gore playing drums for Marilyn Manson.

Robert Downey Jr. heading the U.S. Drug Enforcement Agency.

George W. Bush becoming president of — ooops, strike that one, it happened.

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