Arts & Culture » Culture

Apocalypse, please

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Dark Ages • 1950s • "The Brady Bunch" • gunpowder • cuckoo clocks • Lord Acton • Lord Layton • Tojo • Toto • Kenny G • Vlad the Impaler • imperialism • bubblegum rock • manifest destiny • Wounded Knee • debtor’s prison • Mein Kampf • Genghis Khan • Barry Manilow • credit cards • Red squads • House Un-American Activities Committee • Kathie Lee Gifford • Walt Disney World • Disneyland • Euro Disneyland • beauty pageants • JonBenet Ramsey’s parents • Hiroshima • Woodstock ‘99 • Dresden • Skittles • collagen lips • BoTox injections • Moral Majority • Amway • Henry Kissinger • Pauly Shore • Joseph Goebbels • Al Capone • Charleton Heston • Ivan the Terrible • Idi Amin • Col. Oliver North • AIDS • nuclear reactors • nuclear waste • atomic fallout • White Castle • hand grenades • land mines • mustard gas • "The Partridge Family" • DDT • PCBs • MSNBC • AT&T • Pokémon • Hundred Years War • hydrogen bomb • Spanish Inquisition • Spanish-American War • WW I • WW II • WWF • Vietnam War • Gulf War • Legionnaires’ disease • disco • Blitzkrieg • "The Gong Show" • toy poodles • Jay Leno • John Wilkes Booth • Paul Harvey • electric chair • gas chamber • Muzak • trench warfare • smart bombs • dumb politicians • Teletubbies • televangelists • corporate lobbyists • corporate welfare • corporate logos • corporate coffee • Great Depression • radical chic • factory farms • hog hotels • chicken condos • Chicken McNuggets • crack cocaine • Bauhaus • Microsoft • "Ally McBeal" • gambling casinos • My Lai • media monopolies • scab workers • Three Mile Island • "Dawson’s Creek" • Newt Gingrich • New Democrats • Jim Crow • Counting Crows • the Black Crowes • Rush Limbaugh • Pamela Lee • John F. Kennedy’s assassination • Robert F. Kennedy’s assassination • Martin Luther King’s assassination • Malcolm X’s assassination • Mahatma Gandhi’s assassination • Arnold Schwarzenegger • Leni Reifenstahl • Adam Sandler • Seven Years War • O.J. Simpson • snuff films • 8-track tapes • Cardinal Richelieu • Dick DeVos • Richard DeVos • Betsy Devos • Devo • slavery • Ronald Reagan • Y2K • "World’s Funniest Home Videos" • "Life in Hell" • The 1980s • parachute pants • Michael Jackson • hate crimes • Antonin Scalia • William Rehnquist • Clarence Thomas • Judge Judy • Dr. Laura • Foghat • Crosby, Stills & Nash (not Young) • African slaves • Native American slaves • Jewish slaves • Japanese sex slaves • wage slaves • Dave Clark 5 • Jefferson Airplane/Starship • Starland Vocal Band • Right Said Fred • Milli Vanilli • Hootie & the Blowfish • Randy Jackson • Tito Jackson • Janet Jackson • LaToya Jackson • Joe Jackson • Reggie Jackson • Rebbie Jackson • Mötley Crüe • Jack the Ripper • Ted Kaczynski • Aum Shin Rio • Michigan militia • Oklahoma City bombing • TWA bombing • Jeffrey Dahmer • Lizzie Borden • E.coli • syphilis • Tickle Me Elmo • Windows 3.1 • Windows ‘95 • Windows ‘98 • First Crusade • Second Crusade • Third Crusade • Fourth Crusade • Fifth Crusade • Sixth Crusade • Seventh Crusade • Eighth Crusade • Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade • Electronic surveillance • Elvis Presley • Elvis impersonators • Arthur Godfrey • Mantovani • Gianni Versace • no more "Hitler’s still alive" rumors • hula hoops • Marlboro ads • Marlboro Man • Marlboro tumors • Agent Orange • Orville Faubus • asbestos insulation • George Wallace • nicotine • Jesse Helms • Jesse Ventura • Jesse James • Sen. Joe McCarthy • talk shows • talk radio • Joe Falls • Susan Stark • Detroit News • Detroit Free Press • Orbit magazine • apartheid • rednecks • lynch mobs • white citizens’ councils • "passing for white" • Sony Betamax • planned obsolescence • Men at Work • "Separate but equal" • "Progress is our most important product" • ideological pimples on the American behind • Charles Osgood • white rappers • rhyme • Blair Witch Project • The Mummy • Jackie Brown • Strange Days • The Green Berets • The Color Purple • Richard Nixon • Wojo • "Dallas" • "Dynasty" • "Peyton Place" • "90210" • Christianity • Islam • Judaism • Hinduism • poverty • manual labor • Manuel Noriega • human guinea pigs • multinational corporations • corporate greed • DIA’s Sam Sachs • Joe Bianco • David Adamany • Cranbrook’s Susanna Torre • Paul Whiteman • Guy Lombardo • George Michael • Lawrence Welk • Bing Crosby • Bob Hope • Walter Winchell • Howard Cosell • Bill Bonds • Jim Rome • WDFN’s "Parker and the Man" • Howard Stern • Jenny Jones • wiretapping • Nick Saban’s sellout • Dennis Rodman • Scott Mitchell • Nancy Kerrigan • Tonya Harding • Warren Harding • Teapot Dome • ‘77 T-Bird • Corvair • Corsairs • corsets • codpieces • Cod wars • depleted fisheries • Esso • Exxon • Ford Excursion • Bill Clinton • Herbert Hoover • J. Edgar Hoover • Kennedy clan • Bush clan • Ku Klux Klan • Y2K scammers • bomb shelters • genetically modified foods • McDonald’s • Styrofoam • bubble wrap • disposable diapers • disposable lighters • disposable razors • disposable people • despots • Home Depot • Office Depot • Baby Depot • discomania • E-mail viruses • Workplace shootings • air rage • road rage • moral outrage • Up With People • Cold War • nuclear missiles • chemical warfare • germ warfare • class warfare • Wal-Mart • Kmart • Martha Stewart • K cars • torture chambers • chambers of commerce • e-commerce • crass commercialism • Black Plague • 10 Plagues • Heaven’s Gate cult • Blue Oyster Cult • Ishtar • Jar Jar Binks • Virginia Slims ads • "all natural" cigarettes • "Baby on Board" signs • dancing babies • dance fever • yellow fever • The new VW Beetle • Newly recorded Beatles’ songs • "Sgt. Pepper" (Bee Gees’ version) • pepper spray • mace • crowd control • all-in-one remote controls • ‘80s retro • ‘70s retro • ‘60s retro • ‘50s retro • ‘40s retro • trash TV • trash incineration • white trash chic • white power • Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers • mad cow disease • Macarena • witch trials • Scopes monkey trial • taxation with representation • taxation • missiles in Cuba • no Cuban cigars • Barney the dinosaur • big-screen TVs • sweatshops • sweat shirts • muscle shirts • monarchy • fascism • communism • capitalism • "Saturday Night Live " (post-1985) • "David Letterman" (CBS version) • lite rock • Lite beer • grunge-lite • the word "lite" • lava lamps • Reaganomics • war on drugs • Nancy Reagan • bad acid trips • Grateful Dead cover bands • dead celebrity fetishism • living celebrity fetishism • America Online • Electronic Legos • beepers • race riots • Jennifer Aniston • Jennifer Aniston haircuts • Republican Party • Democratic Party • New Year’s Eve parties • The sultan of Brunei • RuPaul • Richard Simmons • exercise videos • videos • exercise • NordicTrack • treadmills • Thighmaster • Air Jordan • celebrity endorsements • Waco • Columbine • Indian reservations • The War of 1812 • new Dylans • movie sequels • movie prequels • colonialism • Victorianism • Victoria’s Secret • gun racks • SUVs • STDs • Church of Scientology • Pat Boone • Guns n’ Roses • lounge revival • disco revival • punk revival • New Edition • New Kids on the Block • Backstreet Boys • "Rock Around the Clock" • "Rock You Like a Hurricane" • "Rock Me Amadeus" • Great White • White Tiger • White Lion • Siegfried & Roy • Andrew Lloyd Webber • Three Tenors • Strom Thurmond • Berlin Wall • My childhood • Formica • Devil’s Night • Janet Reno • Pat Robertson • Furby • pet rocks • rock star ODs • Forrest Gump • Celine Dion • Titanic • Bill Clinton’s little willy • Edwin Meese • Beanie Babies • newspaper joint operating agreements • American Civil War • Edmund Fitzgerald sinking • The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald • champagne price inflation • conspicuous consumption • designer perfume • Profumo affair • Iran-Contra affair • Lewinsky-Clinton affair • "Family Affair" • abstinence-only sex education • chastity belt • former Detroit Police Chief Hart • Wham! • Tammy Faye Bakker • Jim Bakker • Chapaquiddick • Ruby Ridge • Boone’s Farm • Yasgur’s farm • Lee Harvey Oswald • George McGovern • potholes • Pol Pot • Anti-pot mania • Korean War • Orrin Hatch • virtual pets • Chia pets • legalized segregation • Pearl Harbor • Stalin • Lenin • Margaret Thatcher • Bee Gees • Somalian war • starvation in Somalia • starvation in Ethiopia • starvation in Rwanda • starvation in North Korea • starvation in Detroit • U.S. sanctions on Iraq • U.S. bombing of Iraq • U.S. sanctions on Cuba • Saddam Hussein • welfare reform • Holocaust • Ayatollah Khomeni • Falkland Islands invasion • Indonesia’s invasion of East Timor • Genocide in Rwanda • polio • Prince’s "1999" • trying children as adults • end of General Assistance in Michigan • closing of Lafayette Clinic • Michigan’s Republican-dominated government • Fear of Y2K • Mt. St. Helens • El Niño • Garth Brooks • Mao Zedong • deregulation of phone companies • laser pointers • genital mutilation • carjacking • skyjacking • landfills • "Love Boat" • "Love Boat II: The Next Wave" • "Fantasy Island" • "Gilligan’s Island" • Honey, I Shrunk The ... films • Look Who’s Talking 1-3 • The Home Alone films • Macaulay Culkin • Gary Coleman • Emannuel Lewis • Clara Peller • Tim Conway • Harvey Korman • Al Jolson • Henny Youngman • Paul McCartney’s "Liverpool Oratorio" • outhouses • Spinal Tap • "Leave it to Beaver" • "Dukes of Hazzard" • "Charles in Charge" • "Family Ties" • "Growing Pains" • "Full House" • Linda Tripp • Kenneth Starr • Post-’80s Star Wars movies • "Melrose Place" • Al & Peg Bundy • Ted Bundy • King Kong Bundy • postmodernism • Molly Ringwald • like, totally and whatever • urban sprawl • John McEnroe • toxic shock syndrome • premenstrual syndrome • false memory syndrome • Oakland County child killer • Exxon Valdez oil spill • Rocky II • Rocky III • Rocky IV • Rocky V • MCA/RIMCO bankruptcy • Joey Buttafuoco • smiley faces • Chernobyl • Love Canal • ATM fees • Happy Meals • avalanches • Donald Trump • Mont Blanc tunnel fire • Jacqueline Susann • Mel Torme • NRA • missing Mars Polar Lander • Prince Charles • The Artist Formerly Known As Prince • Princess Diana-mania • merger mania • cyclone in India • dot-com mania • Kosovo • earthquakes in Turkey • earthquake in Taiwan • earthquake in Colombia • earthquake in Greece • earthquakes in San Francisco • fake milkshakes • Slobodan Milosevic • war in Angola • war in the Congo • war in Sudan • war in Ethiopia/Eritrea • World Trade Organization • Lockerbie bombing • Dalkon shield • Egyptair crash • Swissair crash • military coups • elementary school • middle school • high school • School of the Americas • beauty schools • animal testing • animal "crush videos" • smokeless tobacco • information overload • George W. Bush • slasher movies • neo-Nazis • RNC • DNC • CIA • DNA patents • economic recessions • athlete’s foot fungus • dead baby jokes • Concerned Women of America • urban smog • urban blight • electricity • traffic jams • Chinese occupation of Tibet • Dan Quayle • John Engler • B.F. Skinner • behaviorism • Sigmund Freud • enemas • high heels • punk prisons • cosmetics ads • Vidkun Quisling • subsequent quislings • bureaucracies • The Sound of Music • V-8 juice • Henry VIII • Mary, Queen of Scots • Oliver Cromwell • "Hotel California" • Designer labels • Political labels • 40-hour workweek • mandatory overtime • The Bell Curve • witch-hunts • wife-beater shirts • silicone breast implants • social Darwinism • Darwin Awards • E-mail spam • Hormel Spam • cold toast • ex-boyfriends • ex-boyfriends with their new girlfriends • ex-girlfriends • ex-girlfriends with their new boyfriends • acid rain • ozone hole • Monsanto • Global Climate Coalition • genetic engineering • outrageous multiple births • viruses • The Final Solution • linear thinking • lip service • lip cancer • castrati • chemical castration • junk mail • prisons for profit • zoos • strip clubs • big record companies • myth of individualism • fad diets • lung cancer • self-denial • anorexia • bulimia • angst • generalized anxiety disorder • Nikolai Ceaucescu • Will Smith • no more Y2K worries • technology stocks • Melissa virus • Internet newbies • cute technology • iMacs • violent video games • Internet censorship laws • dumb cell phones (with no Web access) • smart ID cards • streaming video • bar codes • Version 1.0 • Internet millionaires • cybercash • satellite surveillance • vaporware • geek chic • tech support • animated Web ads • Al Gore • "404 file not found" • 10-year-olds with Tamagotchis • 10-year-olds with pocket phones • Web cams • evil hackers • good hackers • Wired magazine • new Luddites • wearable PCs • harvested kidneys on eBay • cyber cookies • Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles • witch burning • new millennium resolutions • David Jaye • building implosions in the name of renewal • sensationalist art • chattel slavery • British Empire • Byzantine Empire • Ottoman Empire • United States out of its infancy • fossil fuels • smallpox • Jonestown • feudalism • Industrial Revolution • hippies • punks • Russian gulags • human sacrifice • fear of bathing • weird weather • Dadaism • Choc Mool • divine rights of royalty • Blaxsploitation films • conquistadors • Chinese Cultural Revolution • La Malinche • British East India Company • "Amos ‘n’ Andy" • blackface minstrels • Chinese foot binding • bleeding as a medical practice • leeching • panty raids • Gestapo • Great Leap Forward in China • Bay of Pigs invasion • Japanese-American internment • Ferdinand Marcos • Imelda Marcos • Imelda’s shoe closet • Nike • Phil Knight • Saturday Night Fever • Juan Perón • Confederate States of America • granny dresses • Christopher Columbus • Machiavelli • Anastasio Somoza • widow-burning • white male cultural domination • Hari Kiri • Suharto • Sukarno • Taiping Rebellion • Tiananmen Square massacre • United Fruit Company • Khmer Rouge • waif look • Melting Pot model • dentistry before painkillers • clearcut logging • haggis • Christian martyrs • persecution of heretics • St. Vitus Dance epidemic • European royal intrigue • selling the papacy • ban on abortion • Danielle Steel • tobacco producers’ lies • sitting in the back of the bus • hand picking cotton • potato famine • Kent State killings • crummy Japanese horror movies • Montreal massacre • Ed Wood films • navel piercings • naval convoys • "We got a great big" convoy • Bert Convy • Excedrin headaches • cheezy tattoos • Iron Curtain • cotton curtain • Bamboo Curtain • Frederick Taylor • horseback warfare • tank warfare • Mutual Assured Destruction • Mad Dog 20/20 • Thomas Dixon • guillotine • non-designer drugs • drinking and driving • 3/5th compromise • mass genocide • population explosion • nation-states • papal states • alarm clocks • Esperanto (RIP) • George Lincoln Rockwell • Norman Rockwell • Norman Schwarzkopf • coon songs • Tarzan • bride price • dowries • Iron Maiden • no universal translator invented yet • snack food • fast food • Frankie Avalon • radioactive watch dials • eugenics • Brownshirts • Black Shirts • Izod shirts • DOS commands • organized crime • organized sports • organized religion • Project Plowshares • Fizzies • pre-world music music • Rape of Nanking • drive-by shootings • game shows • thumb screws • Kraft vs. Hellman’s • B movies • no extraterrestrial contact • pogroms • pom-pons • serfdom • public executions • Franco • eunuchs • Devil’s Island • Attica • Alcatraz • Sing Sing • Parchman Farm • Nagasaki • PacMan • Bikini Atoll • Thong bikinis • curtseying • Rod McKuen • crystal radios • crystal meth • mesmerism • S&L debacle • Procter & Gamble • Leopold & Loeb • Steve & Eydie • Watergate • All subsequent "gates" • Jim Jones • Peter Noone • Bhopal explosion • Palmer raids • cotton gin • hand-copying books • collapse of Reconstruction • Mother Love • "Forgive or Forget" • theme parks • brainwashing • advertising agencies • Vanilla Ice • clean slate • Mark David Chapman • Sirhan Sirhan • Auschwitz • Treblinka • Dachau • Bergen-Belsen • Robert McNamara • Edsel • John Hinkley • Jodie Foster • Phyllis Schlafly • Lee Iacocca • Torquemada • Spiro Agnew • Pat Buchanan • Jerry Falwell • Jerry Springer • Jerry Lewis • Jerry Peterson • Kim Il-Sung • Augusto Pinochet • Roy Cohn • Bull Connor • British royal family • Flavr Savr tomatoes • Mentos ads • wall-to-wall carpet • carpet bombing • presidential impeachment trials • trickle-down economics • Paul Bernardo • NASA Challenger • Brian Mulroney • Jason Priestley • Canterbury Tales • salt taxes • burning of Joan of Arc • Lucrezia Borgia • mercury as medicine • extinction of the dodo • extinction of the Steller’s sea cow • extinction of the passenger pigeon • cholera • tuberculosis • Lord Kitchener • QWERTY keyboards • internal combustion engine • manual typewriters • meetings • censorship • book burning • religious right • Ford Pinto • female infanticide • date rape • GHB • BGH • Hernando Cortez • Charles Ng • PR flacks • hack journalism • tabloid journalism • bimbo journalism • journalism-lite • television news • lobotomies • baby boomers • glass ceiling • Meg Ryan • television miniseries • Jolt cola • rotary dial phones • workaholism • temp slaves • skin cancer • Ferdinand Magellan • Mir Space Station • Commodore 64 • Skylab • NATO bombings • logos on clothing • Jane Fonda’s workout video • Culture Club • "Entertainment Tonight" • Peanuts cartoons • class privilege • freeways • suburbs • "Space 1999" • HMOs • Lacoste shirts • painter pants • babydoll dresses • legwarmers • family values • irradiated food • drug-resistant bacteria • Roundup • zip-lock cheese packages • Velveeta • unopenable building and bus windows • workfare • shopping malls • online gambling • pewter utensils • aluminum cooking utensils • the vapors • Sarah Ferguson • floods in Venezuela • eye-for-an-eye justice • cultural imperialism • forced labor • minimum-wage labor • prisoner labor • Henry Ford • Melanie Griffith • gang wars • Fat Boy • Fat Americans • Pope Pius XII • "Don’t Go Breakin’ My Heart" • "I’m Still Standing" • "Candle in the Wind" • Tiffany • Thomas Dolby • Roxette • late-career Gary Numan • Hong Kong Phooey • "Inspector Gadget" • "M*A*S*H" • L. Ron Hubbard • Reefer Madness • Benito Mussolini • Napoleon Bonaparte • "Waterloo" • Ace of Base • homophobia • Enola Gay • Ebola virus • Kenny Rogers • Vivaldi’s "Four Seasons" • Spanish Armada • Nikolai Volkov & the Iron Sheik • Spaceballs • Dean Martin • "Beth" by KISS • "Home Sweet Home" by Mötley Crüe • Marilyn Manson • Manson family • Ford mansion • Monster houses • Bobbitt family • Bobbsey Twins • Bob Eubanks • "Zippity Doo-Dah" • "Addicted to Love" • Genesis (after Peter Gabriel) • Peter Gabriel (after Genesis) • Lou Reed • Iggy Pop • David Bowie • Mcjobs • top-10 lists • top-1000 lists E-mail comments to letters@metrotimes.com

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