Q: I have recently been exploring my bi side and experimenting with other men. Ive come to a point of being perfectly comfortable with my sexuality: Im attracted to both women and men, but Im predominantly attracted to women. I hate the idea of having to hide this. Ive read Dossie Eastons book, The Ethical Slut, and have come to the firm conclusion that I dont want to lie about my sexuality.
So wouldnt it be nice if I could come out as bi? But my problem is this: Are out bi men gay by default? If I come out as bi will 99.9 percent of women be skeeved out, leaving me with only bi or gay men as my sexual partners? That is not what I want! As I said, Im predominantly heterosexual! So do I have to choose between being a closeted bi or de facto gay? Some choice!
So what do you think? Is there any hope in being male, out and bisexual-not-gay? How can I meet women who arent bi-phobic? Seeking To Unburden Deception
A: Want a woman who isnt bi-phobic, STUD? Then find a bisexual woman.
Ive been writing this column for 40-odd years now and in that time Ive gotten shitloads of mail from bisexuals. But I have never received a letter from a bisexual who counted other bisexuals among his or her potential sex partners. From the bi guys its always, Boo-hoo, Im bi and gay men wont date me and straight women are scared of me! From the bi girls its always, Boo-hoo, Im bi and lesbians wont date me and straight men just want to watch me make out with their bi-curious girlfriends! It never seems to occur to bis that they can avoid all the mean, clueless and insensitive gays, lesbians and straights by dating other bis exclusively.
In fairness, its possible that all the smart, hip, together bis are already contentedly banging other bis, and since theyre not having problems, I dont hear from them. But still, what kind of statement does it make about the general desirability of bisexuals when so many cant even conceive of dating other bisexuals?
Oh, and while were on the subject of bisexuality ...
The splashy results of a study conducted at Northwestern University in Illinois and the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health in Toronto made the newspapers last week. Researchers recruited 101 men 38 guys who said they were homos, 33 guys who said they were bi and 30 guys who said they were straight and showed them porn in an attempt to answer that age-old question: Are bi guys all liars? The guys dicks were wired up, they were shown girl-on-girl porn and boy-on-boy porn, and their arousal levels were measured.
Three quarters of the [bisexual] group had arousal patterns identical to those of gay men, The New York Times reported. The rest were indistinguishable from heterosexuals. In English: 75 percent of the bi guys only got aroused watching boys; the other 25 percent of the bi guys only got aroused watching girls. None responded equally to images of men and women.
So what does it all mean?
We couldnt find a bisexual arousal pattern, says Gerulf Rieger, the studys lead author. The conclusion that I draw is that most of the men who identify as bisexual behave like gay men in their arousal patterns. Does that mean [75 percent of bisexual guys] are truly gay? I cant say. But it could mean they are confused about their sexual orientation.
That some men who ultimately identify as gay claim to be bisexual for a time is a well-established fact, so its entirely possible that the 75 percent of the bisexuals whose dicks were wired up in Riegers study are on their way to embracing their big, gay selves. But what, I wonder, is up with the 25 percent of bisexual guys in the study who responded to the girl-on-girl porn but not the boy-on-boy porn? Theres no such thing as a closeted straight guy, so what exactly is up with them?
They might be straight, Rieger speculated, but go in for sex with other guys because its so much easier for a male to have quick sex with another male than with a woman. But their true sexual feelings are still for women.
Needless to say, Riegers study has kicked off a shit storm. The study was co-authored by Dr. J. Michael Bailey, a professor of psychology at Northwestern University and the author of The Man Who Would Be Queen: The Science of Gender-Bending and Transsexualism, a book many homos feel is deeply homo- and trans-phobic. John Aravosis has been kicking the shit out of Bailey, and the study, on his influential blog, americablog.org.
Rieger, however, rejects the notion that Bailey hates homos. Its very hard for me to be subjective when I hear that criticism, said Rieger. Im very fond of Michael Bailey. Im his grad student and Im gay. He is not homophobic.
Baileys myriad issues aside, I dont think the study can be dismissed out of hand. At the very least it jibes with, er, field observations Ive made of male bisexuals. The sad fact is that male bisexuality is rare, much more so than female bisexuality. While there are a lot of guys out there having bisexual experiences probably more than ever, God bless them theres a difference between someones true sexual orientation and their sexual capabilities. A lot of guys like STUD predominantly straight guys who enjoy messing around with other guys will tell you theyre bi. But these nominally bisexual men are not emotionally available to other men in other words, these guys may have sex with other guys, but, like STUD, they only have relationships with women. Which is why dating bi guys isnt something most gay men are willing to do. Even if the bi guy youre dating is single, youre still just his piece on the side.
Q: Am I morally bound to be true to a girl Ive been in a loving relationship with for three long years if I have a bisexual curiosity? I want to see what its like to be with a man! She would be devastated, so I cant tell her. But I want to do this! Gonna Blow It
A: Youre morally bound not to be a total shit, GBI. If you cant bring yourself to tell her you want to smoke some pole, at least have the decency to break up with her. Once youve satisfied your curiosity, you can go running back to your girlfriend if shell have you back, that is.
Q: Im in my early 30s and straight, never attracted to men, never fantasized about having sex with a guy, never been turned on by looking at a guy if I had been, Id tell you. This is anonymous, why would I lie? But undressing in front of a man who clearly wants to see me undress turns me on. What gives? (I also get hard when a woman watches me undress.) Im in a committed relationship with a woman, but this exhibitionist streak wont go away. Any thoughts on where it comes from and what to do about it? Men Ogle And Notice
A: Where it comes from? Thats an easy one so easy that you already nailed it. Youre an exhibitionist, MOAN. You get off on being seen, being desired and, in the case of gay men, inspiring desires you have no intention of indulging which makes you a bit of a prick-tease too. What to do about it? Enjoy it, of course.Send comments to firstname.lastname@example.org