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Bless me, server, for I have sinned…

The World Wide Web can be a dirty, dirty place, bursting with more than its share of all seven deadly sins — and probably some new ones you’d never have thought of, proving that there truly is a porn site for every fetish you can imagine (or wish you hadn’t).

So, if you’ve been doing a little one-handed surfing and are wracked with guilt, just log on to absolution-online.com, where forgiveness is just a click away. However, the site provides the following disclaimer:

“This is a free service provided for the Internet community. It has not been endorsed by the Roman Catholic Church. If you have any doubts about using this service you should consult your priest.”

At the virtual confessional, owning up to your revolting hedonistic acts of shame is easy: Just click on your sin category (they include the Ten Commandments, internal sins, physical sins and just general sins — listed alphabetically from abortion to vandalism/wanton destruction of nature). Once you’ve selected your sin, choose the degree of seriousness, from A (extremely serious) to E (minor). Then simply proceed to confessional, and you’ll find out how many Hail Marys and days of fasting you’ll need to cleanse your soul. No, folks, we are really not making this up. Check out the virtual rosary too — but, Catholics, take note: In 2001 the Catholic Church proclaimed that online confessions were not a suitable substitute for the real deal.

For those looking for something a little more secular (and voyeuristic), there are sites like dailyconfession.com, notproud.com and grouphug.us, where you can anonymously fess up to your most heinous deeds.

Sin on, brothers and sisters, sin on!

Got an interesting, bizarre or informative Web site you’d like to see featured here? Send it to backslash@metrotimes.com

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