Hey, everybody: Im on vacation my first in years so Ill be running some much-loved, frequently requested classic Savage Loves for the next few weeks.
Q: A couple of months ago you invited women to send in cunnilingus tips for straight guys. Were still waiting for that column, Dan. What gives? Didnt any women send in tips? Straight Guy Anxious For Pointers
A: Oh, women sent in cunnilingus tips, SGAFP. I got 500 letters from straight women with advice for men on the whole pussy-eating subject. Why havent these letters appeared in a column? Well, I have a bias: Im gay. Given a choice between reading hundreds of e-mails about eating pussy or, say, talking to good-looking male porn stars about their online underwear sales, well, Im going to go with the porn stars every time. While Im aware that reading about cunnilingus is one of my occupational hazards, that awareness doesnt make me any less reluctant to do so.
Dont get me wrong, ladies. I am all for cunnilingus. Women deserve it, and straight men, in my opinion, are obligated to provide it. But ... still. Im about as pro-cunnilingus as gay men ever get. Even so, spending a week reading hundreds of detailed letters about cunnilingus, picking out the best ones, and editing them into a column is something I can put off indefinitely. I guess you could say Im pro-cunnilingus in the abstract. Im pro-eating pussy the same way Im, say, pro-round-the-clock home nursing for incontinent paraplegics. Im glad it happens, I just dont want to do it. Or watch it. Or think about it. Or spend a week reading about it. But ... I promised you a cunnilingus column, SGAFP, and a cunnilingus column you shall have.
But what about my gay male readers? Columns about cunnilingus have something to offer straight men, straight women, and lesbians, but nothing to offer gay men. So to give my gay readers a reason to slog through this column, Ive included an item of particular interest to gay men at the end.
OK, here are your cunnilingus tips, boys ...
Whatever you do, DO NOT use your teeth! Take them out if you have to. Also, try to keep the saliva down to a minimum. Been There
Good advice, BT. No teeth, boys, and very little saliva.
SALIVA, SALIVA, saliva: I cant overemphasize the importance of plenty of lubrication. Cumming From Cunnilingus
No, wait use saliva, boys, and lots of it. But no teeth.
The word cunnilingus derives from two Latin words: cunnus (female genitals) and lingere (to lick). But the action should include not only the tongue, but also the teeth. Tongue: soft, yet firm. Teeth: Nibble around down there! Pussy Prof
No, wait use your teeth to nibble, boys.
I dont think its necessary for a guy to spend much time on any area other than the clitoris. Its The Clit
Focus on the clit, boys.
A clit is not a doorbell. Please do not punch it repeatedly with your tongue. And explore the rest of my pussy. It has just as many sensitive nerve endings as my clit. Word Of The Day
No, wait explore the whole pussy, boys.
When I was a closeted gay college student, I turned to my straight friends for guidance on doing the deed, and one bit of advice actually worked: Lick the alphabet! Start with lower case and work through the caps. One word of caution: She cant know what youre doing! It is disastrous to let her hear you humming the alphabet song. This could imply that you are not sufficiently stimulated by her parts, as was the case with me. ABC
Lick the alphabet, boys, but dont let her know youre licking the alphabet.
I dated a guy who used the alphabet song to guide him along. Basically, he hummed the A, B, C, D, E, F, G ... H, I, J, K, LMNOP... song while drawing the letters with his tongue on my clit. He did it at same pace of the song (long G, quick LMNOP, etc.), and by the time he got to Z, I was shaking. Now every time I hear the alphabet song I get wet! Alphabet Soup
No, wait tell her youre licking the alphabet, and shell get wet when she hears the alphabet song.
Guys, dont slide your tongues in and out of our vaginas. All that feels like is a small, thin, limp dick. Most women dont like small, limp dicks so why simulate one with your tongue? Clitty McNub
Dont stick your tongues in, boys.
A French guy once stuck his tongue in and swirled it around, pushing it really hard against the walls of my vagina. It was amazing. The first time, I said, Whered you learn to do that? He said, You have never had eet? Not like that, I said. The American guys Ive slept with tend to lap politely. I guess this must be one of those things the French come up with in their six weeks of annual paid vacation. It doesnt seem fair, does it? French Kissed
No, wait girls like eet when you stick your tongues in their vaginal canals, boys.
So many guys are obsessed with penetration that they cant eat pussy without sticking their fingers in. Fellas, please, just lick me its a nice change. Lick It Dont Stick It
No fingers, boys, just tongue.
Men need to know that the G-spot is located behind the ridge of the pubis bone, up and inside her vagina. Take your hand palm up, insert middle and pointer fingers, and curl your fingers toward you like youre saying come here. Do this while you lick, and shell come right then and there. East Bay Hard Core
No, wait use your fingers and tongue, boys.
OK, lets review what weve learned about cunnilingus: Use little saliva; use lots of saliva; use your teeth; dont use your teeth; focus on the clit; explore the whole pussy; lick the alphabet but dont tell her; lick the alphabet and tell her; dont stick your tongue in; stick your tongue in; dont stick your fingers in; stick your fingers in.
I hope this was helpful.
Of course, if it wasnt if this column left you more confused about going down on a woman you might try asking the woman to tell you exactly what she likes. I know that, personally, two things kept coming up while I was reading my 500 e-mails about cunnilingus: my lunch, and the sneaking suspicion that not all women enjoy the same things when it comes to oral sex. So, boys, youll have to ask em how they like eet.
And, finally, heres an item of interest to gay men well, actually, not. When this column first ran, I closed with a personal ad from a gay reader in New York City who had a crush on a hot bartender. That gay reader with the crush? Hes a pop star now. That bartender? Dunno whatever happened to him. But as Im Catholic, and therefore feeling mighty guilty about taking a week off, I went ahead and pulled together some of the letters I got in response to a recent column on bisexuality. Does male bisexuality actually exist? Was this Northwestern University study fucked? What is my problem, anyway?Send letters to firstname.lastname@example.org