Q: I am a 19-year-old guy with a problem. When I was 15, I was a lonely virgin who had never even kissed a girl. My sister, who is a year younger than me, had never had a boyfriend. One day we started talking about this and we decided to practice kissing on each other. To make a long story short, it wasn’t long before practicing kissing became practicing heavy petting and then oral sex and then real sex. Since I’ve been at college, I have managed to hook up with a couple girls. But I’ve gotten into such a habit with my sister that none of them can please me the way she does. When I come home for the holidays we have sex at least a couple times.
This is not a letter about incest. It was experimentation, not a fetish for incest, that brought this about. And we will break it off whenever one of us finds something better. But after being with someone who knows you sexually to the extent that we know each other, how can you just shake that off and start all over again with someone else? —Sister Is Sexier
A: Before I get to your problem, SIS, a shout-out to Sen. Rick Santorum (R-Vatican City). Two weeks and 4,000 news cycles ago, Santorum told the Associated Press that he doesn’t believe Americans have a right to privacy. For the sake of the eternally imperiled American family, Santorum urged the Supreme Court to uphold Texas’ same-sex-only sodomy law. “If the Supreme Court says that you have a right to consensual sex within your home,” said Santorum, “then you have the right to bigamy, you have the right to polygamy, you have the right to incest, you have the right to adultery. You have the right to anything.”
I’m running your letter, SIS, to illustrate a point for Rick, a regular reader of my column: SIS and his sister weren’t exactly hanging back waiting for the Supreme Court to OK same-sex sodomy before they got down to some opposite-sex incest. Striking down an insulting, discriminatory, unconstitutional law will not, as Santorum fears, open the doors to incest, adultery, bigamy and bestiality. Straight people blew those doors off their hinges long, long ago. And as the New Republic pointed out, adultery is already legal in some places — like Texas. Bestiality is also legal in Texas. So is straight buttfucking. It’s only gay sex that Texas prohibits. Which hardly seems fair.
Back to you, SIS: Since you claim your letter isn’t about incest, I’ll leave the incest issue alone. But your letter is a perfect illustration of an argument I made against incest in this space a few years back: Since most of what we regard as “civilization” is an elaborate mating ritual — desperate attempts to attract, impress and bed people we’re not already related to (see Trump, Donald) — we’d still be living in caves if it weren’t for the incest taboo. If everyone got it at home, SIS, no one would ever leave the house.
So how do you break the sister habit? With the exception of the sibling thing, your letter reads like a lot of other letters we get here at Savage Love. “But after being with someone who knows you sexually to the extent that we know each other, how can you just shake that off and start all over again with someone else?” I hear that all the time from folks who are fucking their exes. They broke up, but the sexual connection is so good that they keep getting it on. Like you, SIS, they tell me they fully intend to break it off when they find someone better. But what incentive does someone have to do the hard work of finding someone better if he’s getting the best he ever got from his ex? So my advice for you is the same as my advice for the ex-fuckers: Go cold turkey, be miserable, be alone. Then you’ll have an incentive to search for a new, more appropriate sex partner. The sex may not be as awesome at first but it can get awesome with a little effort.
Q: I have a teenage stepdaughter. Although the relationship with my wife has been long term, I don’t have a father/ daughter relationship with my stepdaughter. As you can probably guess, she has turned out sexy as hell and I’m attracted to her. While I would never act on my attraction, I’m wondering how much free rein I should give my fantasies. Should I try not to think about her in a sexual way? If I shouldn’t think about her sexually, how the hell do I do that? Just to keep it interesting, how wrong is the occasional surreptitious panty sniffing? —Sexually Tempted, Eager Pop Drools And Disgusts
A: I feel obligated to advise you not to think of your stepdaughter in a sexual way, STEPDAD, just as you felt obligated to suggest that option. But let’s cut the bullshit, shall we? You can’t stop yourself from fantasizing about your stepdaughter, however inappropriate those fantasies are, any more than I can stop myself from fantasizing about sticking my foot in Rick Santorum’s ass.
So you go right ahead and fantasize — but my God, man, leave her panties alone. Sniffing her panties is not a fantasy, STEPDAD, it’s an act. And since home is the only place you have access to her panties, whenever you sniff them there’s a chance, however slight, that your wife or your stepdaughter will catch you. You simply can’t run that risk. While it’s important to refrain from fucking your stepdaughter’s brains out, it’s very important to protect your stepdaughter from the realization that you’re even remotely interested in fucking her brains out.
Q: I must be the only 15-year-old who’s into water sports. I haven’t been able to explore my kink — and I’m frustrated. How am I supposed to find someone 15-18 who is willing to get me off the way I want to get off? —Probably Ignorant, Stupid Sodomite
A: Here’s a message for all you kinky 15-year-olds out there: Enough already. Stop sending me letters about how hard it is to meet people who share your passion for piss or feet or shemales or BDSM or whatever. Not being able to find someone at 15 who shares your kink is not some horrible injustice. That’s the way it is for all teenagers — gay, straight, kinky, vanilla, whatever. Very few 15-year-olds get laid at all — or should get laid at all — much less get to have their wildest fantasies fulfilled.
So, PISS, my advice for you is the same as my advice for FAG, the wannabe sex slave: You’re just going to have to wait. And by “wait” I don’t mean “wait until you’re legal.” I mean you’re going to have to wait until you’ve passed out of your no-apartment-of-your-own, no-credit-cards, no-clue stage — a stage most people don’t finally pass out of until they’re almost 25.Contact Dan Savage at email@example.com