Q: I’m an 18-year-old senior in high school. I met a girl at a party one night, and we ended up going out for about a month. During that time we never went further than me fingering her, because she didn’t want to. We had both had sex before, she with her boyfriend of eight months (they broke up before we met) and I with a couple of stoner chicks. I’m pretty into partying; I always toke up when the opportunity arises. She’s not into partying at all.
On New Year’s Eve, I went to a party after I dropped her off at 1 o’clock in the morning, and I got pretty fucked up. In truth, Dan, I was tripping and I can’t remember half of the night. I do remember making out with two other girls. I felt awful and told the girl I had been dating about it. She didn’t dump me and we continued to date for another week, at which time she ended it, saying she just didn’t like me anymore. I think she actually broke up with me because I nearly cheated on her and she didn’t approve of my party habits, but when I asked her this she denied it.
Then, a week after we broke up, we were talking in my room and we started making out and proceeded to have sex. She had always told me that she couldn’t have sex without love and that sex was a very emotional thing for her. Afterward I asked her if she wanted to start dating again and she said no. She said she doesn’t like me like that and that she was just horny. Now she tells me she likes a different guy. Dan, please tell me, what the fuck is going on? —Tormented, Horny & Confused
A: It’s like this, THC: This girl, like most of today’s young people, was probably subjected to “abstinence education,” aka the sex-negative, sex-phobic moralizing that passes for sex ed in the United States nowadays. In her abstinence ed classes, your on-your-dick-again, off-your-dick-again girlfriend was taught that anyone — but especially any girl — who has sex with someone to whom she isn’t married, or, failing that, passionately in love with and committed to marrying ASAP, is a Terrible Person with Terrible Morals who will contract a number of Terrible STDs and die a Terrible Death. Girls who’ve fallen for this line of crap — a small minority, I’m happy to report — can frequently be overheard saying things like, “I couldn’t have sex without love …” when they’re being finger-fucked by stoner boys they’ve been dating for a few weeks.
Are you with me, THC? When your ex-girlfriend/current lay told you she could only have sex with a man she loved, kiddo, she was lying — to herself, first and foremost, but also to you. While you were dating she wanted you to think she was a Good Person — i.e., the kind of person who could only have sex with someone she loved. But she’s still young and healthy, so she’s naturally horny as hell, and there you were, THC, all glassy-eyed and willing. But she couldn’t fuck you because you might think she was a Terrible Person. But once you revealed yourself to be a near-cheater and a bit too much of a stoner for her tastes — once she dumped your ass — then it no longer mattered to her what you thought of her. So it’s precisely because she’s no longer seriously interested in you — i.e., precisely because she doesn’t like you anymore — that she was able to finally give herself permission to fuck your stoned brains out.
Needless to say, your ex-girlfriend’s behavior was not the intended outcome of abstinence education. To the Bible thumpers out there pushing abstinence education, I’d like to say this: If you continue to sow this bullshit — if you persist in your attempts to stamp out sexual desire in young people — you will continue to reap a whirlwind of often hilarious unintended consequences, from young straight people having casual anal sex (you can get fucked in the ass and still be a virgin, right?) to babies stuffed in trash cans at proms.
Back to you, THC: That other guy? The one your ex-girlfriend is interested in now? While she’s fucking your brains out, she is — without a doubt, I promise you — telling that boy two towns over that she couldn’t possibly have sex with someone she doesn’t really love.
Q: You and your readers have been talking about poo-eating for a long time now. I would like to offer up an alternative that I think is kind of neat. Take a standard condom, fill it with peanut butter, twist the bottom, and insert into your ass (making sure to not let go). When the moment is right, untwist the bottom, release, bear down, and POO! Well, okay, not quite, but it certainly provides an alternative that might satisfy both the poo-eater and also his bacterially minded sex partner. Let me know what you think. —I Can’t Believe It’s Not Poo
A: Gee, ICBINP, I don’t recall discussing poo-eaters recently in Savage Love, nor have I printed any questions from people looking to fake their way through a big poo-eating orgy.
I also think your premise is faulty, freako. Those of us who aren’t interested in the erotic possibilities of crap aren’t going to leap at the chance to fake shit play. I once gave a recipe in Savage Love for faux poo for the bacterially minded — mashed potatoes mixed with a drop or two of butyric acid — but it didn’t prompt a run on potato futures. For most people, ICBINP, if it looks like poo and smells like poo, it’s going to be revolting to handle even if it isn’t poo. Likewise, if it drops out of someone’s ass, looks like poo, has the consistency of poo, and is roughly the color of poo (or one of the colors poo comes in), most right-thinking people will be revolted, even if it’s peanut butter. But thanks for sharing.
Q: Hubby’s Ho might want to snatch a page from my book. My husband, like hers, loves being humiliated, and is especially turned on by the idea of being “forced” to eat some other man’s come out of my pussy. Playing the part, I ride him, telling how I just got fucked by one of his buddies, giving him a blow-by-blow account of the action. But there was no action — I’m making it all up. Telling my husband he’ll soon be licking up the mess that his buddy left in me never fails to get him off. Then I get to have multiple orgasms as he eats every drop of his “buddy’s” come out of me. It’s fun, Dan, and it’s also safe and effective and I even get off on playing the tramp. —Good to the Last Drop
A: Thanks for sharing, GTTLD.
Confidential to folks who aren’t sick of the santorum subject: Did you laugh your ass off when they cut to Sen. Santorum during the gay-bashing section of Bush’s State of the Union speech? Did you catch the first mention, however vague, of our santorum campaign in a major newspaper — and not just any paper, but The New York Times? Read all about these developments at www.spreadingsantorum.com.Contact Dan Savage at firstname.lastname@example.org