Q: I'm a woman who wants to be spanked. But I'm overweight and self-conscious. Men who like to spank women like to spank petite women. Sometimes I'll search kinky personal sites or other online forums and find someone who might want to spank me. But I get scared and I back out. Most recently, I've been talking to a trucker who stops at rest stops along his routes around the country and meets with and spanks women. He is patient and encouraging, and has references, and has directed me to boards with all this safety information, and insisted on getting to know each other via e-mail and phone conversations before we actually meet. This makes me trust him and feel better when I think about going to meet him.
But I still feel like it's a very bad idea. Nobody knows I have a fetish for this stuff, so I can't tell anyone where I'll be going, and I feel like going to meet a stranger on a highway so he can beat me is a very stupid thing to do. Plus, if he kills me, everybody will scream, "Well, what did you think would happen!" at my fat dead body.
What do you think? —She Wants A Tanning
A: I think meeting strange men in rest stops is a bad idea generally, SWAT, and meeting strange men in rest stops for a beating seems like a particularly bad idea. There are probably lots of decent and kind truckers out there, some of them kinky, and they have just as much right to pursue their sexual interests as anyone else. (And I'm going to be hearing from them after this column appears.) But you are not the right person for a kinky rest-stop hookup with a near-stranger.
This has nothing to do with your size, SWAT, and everything to do with your self-esteem issues and your isolation. I'm not saying this particular trucker is a crazed serial killer or an abuser. But serial killers and abusers seek out women who are isolated and have self-esteem issues, vulnerable women they can manipulate and exploit. Until you can approach someone with some confidence and with at least one confidant, you shouldn't be making dates to see anyone.
Repeat after me: "Some men like big women. Some men like spanking women. Some men like spanking big women." For those men, your big ass is an asset, SWAT. Also: "I can't meet someone for a kinky hookup — in a rest stop or a hotel room or someone's apartment — unless someone knows where I'm going, who I'm with, and when I'm expected home."
Q: My boyfriend of six months has a weird dick-area odor. It's worse after a long day, but it's there even after he showers. It's this sickly sweet rotting smell that makes it hard for me to give him oral. Even jacking him off can be tough when I get a whiff. In all the years I've been sexually active, I've never smelled anything like this. I wonder if it might be that he was in a brutal car accident years ago that messed up his innards. He's one of those closed-off stoic types who hasn't had much luck or help in life, including follow-up care after the accident, and he also doesn't take the best care of his health — heavy smoker, doesn't eat right or exercise (although no drugs).
When we first got together, he seemed like a confident, happy, dominant man, the first man of this type I have ever met who also treated me respectfully. As the relationship wears on, I am finding that he is locked up tightly with insecurities. He worries everything down to shreds and hates his job but won't leave it because "he helps people there," despite being royally screwed wage-wise. If it were one problem or the other, I would suck it up for the sake of the most supportive relationship I've ever had. But iron emotional control + horrible dick odor = I have to get stupid drunk to have sex with him. Do you know what the odor might be? And should I wait to see if he loosens up more with time (his request when I talk about the emotional issue) or get on with my life solo? —One Dick Only Reeks
A: Our bodies have two types of sweat glands, ODOR, eccrine glands, which are all over our bodies, and apocrine glands, which are concentrated in our armpits and crotches. Apocrine glands pump out ranker-smelling sweat, and these glands pump out more sweat when a person is stressed-out — and it sounds like your boyfriend is always stressed-out. And since the fluids that come out of our bodies — spit, piss, come and sweat — are composed of what we put into our bodies, your boyfriend's shitty diet and his cigarette addiction aren't helping matters much either.
If you love him, ODOR, be straight with him: If he wants to keep you in his life, he needs to loosen up, improve his diet, and see a doc and a dermatologist about the crotch stank.
Q: I have recently been toying with the idea of doing electro stuff, but I'm worried that it could get ugly. Suppose you have a battery-powered vibrator in your ass and two of those electricity-conducting e-stim pads on either ass cheek. I have horrible mental images of the vibrator exploding in my ass. Am I being completely irrational? I need a kinky electrician to guide me! Thanks so much for all that you do! —The Electric Company
A: "He has nothing to worry about," says David, the mad genius behind SexTek, which makes and markets erotic e-stim gear, and my go-to guy for all e-stim questions. "The electrical bits in the vibrator won't be bothered in the slightest by the e-stim currents flowing nearby, and the vibrator won't interfere with the e-stim. Assuming your device is made for use on the human body, the low-power currents involved only stimulate nearby nerves and muscles. The vibrator won't be bothered at all. But make sure you're using a proper commercial e-stim device and read the manual. Most electrosex injuries occur when someone uses the wrong equipment or improvises."
Yeah, yeah: The guy who sells commercial e-stim products is telling TEC to buy a commercial e-stim product. Anyone who thinks David is wrong — anyone who thinks exploring e-stim without first purchasing equipment designed to be used for e-stim play — is welcome to stick the frayed end of an extension cord up his butt and then report back to us about how that worked out for him. The e-stim-curious with sense, however, will take David's advice and check out the products available at www.sextek.com and those made by other e-stim companies.
Q: Any last-minute X-mas gift ideas, Dan? —Nothing Under Tree
A: Sure, NUT. Tinsel, my friend Hank Stuever's brilliant and hilarious new book about America's Christmas present; Every Man Dies Alone, a chilling 1947 novel by Hans Fallada about life under the Nazis (Fallada was a German novelist who barely survived the war and didn't live to see his masterwork published); the bondage enthusiasts on your list will love the hemp rope for sale at twistedmonk.com; and the ET302R available at sextek.com makes the perfect stocking-stuffer.Download the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. Send letters to firstname.lastname@example.org