Q: My boyfriend of two years cannot climax or maintain an erection unless his testicles are handled, squeezed, pulled, or pressed on (preferably with my stockinged foot or knee). Needless to say, intercourse does not work very well, and our sexual repertoire is rather limited, which is frustrating for both of us. His doctor says his ED is not physiological. I’ve read your advice on “death grip” masturbation and suspect it’s a variation of that. I would love to try to “rewire” him; we have started trying to conceive, so we need him to ejaculate successfully at least a few times per cycle (to increase our chances but also for sperm health). We are in our mid-30s, so I don’t want to wait months for him to increase his sensitivity. What would you suggest? —Almost Resigned To A Turkey Baster
A: My first suggestion, ARTATB, is that you drop the stigmatizing and unhelpful talk about ED (“erectile dysfunction”). Your boyfriend’s dick works — he can obtain and sustain an erection, he can blow loads — he just requires a very specific and inconvenient form of stimulus to obtain and sustain that erection.
My second suggestion is to accessorize. He needs to have his balls handled, squeezed, pulled, and pressed on? There are toys for that! At Mr. S Leather (mr-s-leather.com), for instance, you’ll find all sorts of metal and silicone ball stretchers; some of them lock, some are electrified, and some snap on with magnets. This is a little complicated to explain — it would be easier to show you, but I don’t make house calls anymore — but try to picture this: You roll up one of your stockings, put his balls in the toe, bolt a ball stretcher around his now-stocking-wrapped sack, and then unroll the stocking. Then yank on one end of the stocking either with your toes (pulling his balls down) or with your hand after pulling the stocking up through his crack and over his shoulder (pulling his balls back and up). Voilà! Your boyfriend’s balls are being handled, squeezed, and pulled on during PIV intercourse, you’re doing the pulling, and your stockings are in play!
Work with his kink and there’s no need to waste time retraining him—and, hey, who knows? A few dozen successful PIV/ball-stretcher sessions could help your boyfriend make the leap to plain ol’ PIV. Quality metal ball stretchers aren’t cheap; a good one will set you back $150. But they’re a whole lot cheaper than fertility treatments and a fuck of a lot sexier than turkey basters.
Q: My husband has seen a professional dominatrix for more than a decade. We’ve gotten to know her socially — she’s a lovely person — but I feel she should stop charging my husband for sessions, as we are now friends. She is a “lifestyle dominant” and enjoys her job. —The Vanilla Wife
A: My lawyer is a “lifestyle arguer,” he enjoys his job, and I see him socially — and I pay him for his services, TVW, because he is a professional. The same goes for your husband’s dom.
Q: I am a 31-year-old gay man in a new relationship. My boyfriend is amazing, and our sex life is hot. We’re very open with each other, so he was comfortable telling me that he’s into piss. I can tell the thought of me pissing in his mouth or vice versa is a major turn-on for him. I’ve never done anything like that before, so he said that it was not a requirement, just a bonus, and we moved on. Now I’m thinking about it a lot because seeing him satisfied is a major turn-on for me, and the thought of not giving him everything he wants bothers me. I’ve always considered myself GGG when it comes to sex, so I think I’m open to trying this. But rather than just doing it, I’d like to enjoy it. Do you have any suggestions for helping me sexualize it in my mind? —Piss Is Sorta Sexy
A: Nothing will sexualize piss for you quite as rapidly and effectively as seeing the effect it has on your boyfriend, PISS. Just do it, as they say, and even if piss play never becomes your thing — even if it doesn’t become something you would ever pursue on your own — your boyfriend’s enjoyment of it (his excitement, his gratitude) should provide you with all sorts of bank-shot thrills. (Please note: Don’t do it first thing in the morning.)
And to kinky readers dating vanillas: Do you see what PISS’s boyfriend did there? He disclosed his kink (“into piss”), downplayed it (“not a requirement”), and dropped it (“moved on”). Now PISS, having grown more attached to his boyfriend, is coming around all on his own. Disclose, downplay, and drop isn’t a foolproof strategy — there’s no guarantee that a partner will come around if you go the DDD route — but it’s more likely to be successful than, say, the “present, pressure, and pout” strategy that too many kinksters employ.
Q: I’m considering having a threesome with a couple, but the friend I routinely confide in about my sexual adventures has warned me against it. She had a threesome once, and it didn’t go well — there were jealousy issues that resulted in some hurt feelings and heartbreak — and now I don’t know if I should risk it. I’m a guy, and the couple in question is M/F. —This Hesitation Is Really Draining
A: Your friend is right: Threesomes don’t always go well. So you should stick to twosomes, THIRD, which always go perfectly, present no potential jealousy issues, and never result in hurt feelings and heartbreak.
Q: I’m a 53-year-old woman. From 1971 until my daddy died in 2001, he and I played cribbage nearly every week. It’s a card game where the players score points off each other, and the points are recorded with a series of pegs that fit into tiny holes in a wooden “cribbage board.” I now often play cribbage with my grandnephews. When you score points and mark them with the pegs, that process is called “pegging.” Well, thanks to you and your ingenious readers, I can’t use that term anymore without snickering like an 11-year-old. What term do you suggest I substitute for “pegging” the next time I play cribbage with someone? —Perplexed Expert Player
A: I’m a cribbage player, too, PEP, and while we refer to the thingies we move around our cribbage board as pegs, we don’t call the process of moving them “pegging.” Maybe that’s a regional thing? But rest assured, words can have more than one meaning. Pegging can mean “a woman fucking a man in the ass with a strap-on dildo” and also mean “moving your pegs around a cribbage board,” just as pussy can mean “domesticated cat” and “lady parts,” or santorum can mean “the frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex” and… actually, I’m not aware of an alternate meaning for santorum. Maybe someone should come up with one?