Dear Readers: The resident word freak at PRI’s “The Next Big Thing” — the lovely and talented Erin McKean — regularly challenges writers to use words that might otherwise disappear into obsolescence. In awe of my success at injecting santorum into the sexual lexicon, McKean invited little ol’ me on the program and asked me to revive four extinct words in this week’s column. See if you can spot ’em. …
Q: I love petite women. I fall for any woman who is under 5 feet tall, weighs about 100 lbs., and is blazingly intelligent. The problem is, so far in my life (I’m 26 years old) I’ve found three girls total who fit this bill. Oh, there are plenty of petite women out there, but few are petite and brilliant. Now, my problem is I’m not the type of guy that these women seem to be attracted to. I’m another statistic in America’s march toward obesity. I’m a 5-foot-9-inch, 300-pound guy. Few petite women are attracted to me. My question is, is there any way I can change who I’m attracted to so I can (1) be interested in a type of person who I’m more likely to run into, and (2) perhaps find a girl who could be interested in me? For the most part chicks don’t dig guys three times their size unless it’s muscle. —Way Too Larger Than Life
A: When someone has painfully specific tastes — he can only be with people who are of a certain height, weight, income level, political persuasion, species, etc. — one of two things is going on. Either he honestly has painfully specific tastes and will suffer accordingly (thanks to the limited number of potential partners), or his criteria are a way of avoiding having a relationship at all. Only you know which category you fall into, WTLTL. If it’s the latter, you need a therapist, not an advice columnist. If it’s the former, you’ll just have to hang in there. You may meet a tiny lady genius one day who takes one look at you and is esprised into a frenzy — but it may take a while. If you don’t want to wait forever, I would advise you to date some non-petite, non-bright women. Suddenly falling for some lanky shit-fer-brains may be the only way you’ll ever broaden your tastes.
Q: I’m very attracted to a girl who has had a very large number of sexual partners. She wouldn’t tell me exactly how many, but she did say that it was several times her age (she’s 21)! I’m a little uneasy about this for disease-related and psychological reasons, and also because I’m a virgin. What should I do? —Sexual Mismatch
A: When a virgin and a lovertine cross paths, SM, the virgin, provided he’s careful, usually walks away the winner. Tell this lovertine that you dig her but that (1) you’re a virgin and (2) you’re concerned about disease. If she’s willing to get an STD screening and use condoms, you should emerge from this relationship relatively unscathed and infinitely more knowledgeable.
Q: I have been reading through some old Savage Love columns on the Web and I noticed that you have made a handful of predictions that have since come true: Ellen and Anne broke up, Billy Bob and Angelina split, and most horribly, Gore lost to Bush by a margin equal to or less than the total votes Nader got in certain swing states. Subsequently it was true, as you predicted, that “putting Bush in the White House not only won’t create a viable third party, but will have devastating consequences for women, gays and lesbians, the environment, the Supreme Court, and the poor.” The lesson, as always, is Dan is always right. Just say NO to Nader and Bush in 2004! —A Big Fan
A: I’m not always right, ABF, although I was right about egomaniacal asswipe Ralph Nader and his deluded followers. While Gore did himself no favors — running away from Clinton, picking a running mate who looked and campaigned like he had a used tampon in his mouth — it’s the Nader voters that are most responsible for inflicting the Bush kakistocracy on their fellow Americans. Any man fool enough to vote for Nader this time around deserves to have his virilia sliced off and stuffed down his fool throat; any woman who votes for Nader deserves to have the reputation of a disease-ridden lovertine.
OK! I’ve taken care of my saving-words-from-obsolescence duties. The words were: esprise (to inflame someone’s passion), lovertine (someone addicted to lovemaking), virilia (male sexual organs), and my personal favorite, kakistocracy (a society governed by its worst citizens). I hereby order my readers to use these words in daily conversation until they, like santorum, are in common use.
We’ll close this week’s column with letters from readers who get to have the last word on the whole GGG issue:
You would be surprised how many freaky girls there are who have trouble finding themselves a nice GGG guy, Dan. While society would have you believe that only men have serious kinks, I’ve found that among my friends it’s about 50/50. I know I’ve had a wicked hard time finding a GGG guy who is not intimidated by my kinky desires. If you’re a woman and you like it vanilla and infrequent, I promise there are plenty of men who feel the same. Go find one, non-GGG girls, and leave the GGG guys for those of us who can appreciate them. —Lusty Wench
As a guy into kinky sex, I want to thank you for “GGG.” It’s brilliant and loving and it saves freaks like me from having to scour the Internet to find a potential lifemate. That being said, I think you handled Where’s My Husband’s husband a little too harshly. (He likes to spy on his wife and beat off.) If she hasn’t laid down rules to their play yet, then I can’t blame him for trying to push the envelope. Many fetishists and role-players would like to find a partner who will indulge 24/7. If WMH tried it, seemed to enjoy it (she says the sex was hot, hot, hot), and kept indulging her husband (especially in more and more extreme scenarios), her husband probably thought, “Great, she loves it, sex is awesome, I converted her!” If a woman indulged me and seemed to enjoy the whole thing, I wouldn’t slow down either. WMH needs to talk to her husband. If he still insists on pushing it, then you’re right: He’s an asshole, he’s ruining it for guys like me, and he’s throwing away a gem. However, based on her letter, it sounds like he may be unaware that there’s a problem. He may just be on kinkster cloud nine, thinking that his dreams have come true. When made aware, he most likely will compromise and be GGG just like his wife. —Fetishists Can’t Read Minds
P.S. I didn’t wind up with a woman who is into BDSM 24/7, sadly, but my fiancee indulges me. I’m also GGG: I satisfy her fantasies too. The key is communication.Send letters to firstname.lastname@example.org