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Desperately seeking perfection

Q: I am turning 42. I am married to a great guy, but sex with him is like sleeping with my dad. We haven't had any activity in three years. I am not too hard on the eyes. Recently, my daughter’s friend's dad hit on me. I have never cheated in my life. I found myself wanting this man very much. After a week of talking in secret, we made love. I only made love with him once. Today he stated he has a very open sex life and wants me to join him and his ex-wife in a threesome. This is totally not me. Now I regret ever messing up, but I can't stop considering doing this. I am positive I won't do it, but what is wrong with me? Why can't I stop thinking about it? I don't think it's a midlife crisis. Please help me understand why I am even considering it. To know me, you would see that I've always tried to be the perfect mom and wife. Now I'm feeling different. Why? Thanks for listening.

A: Any healthy 42 year old who has been without sex for three years would be likely to be intrigued and turned on by any sexual overtures, even a "perfect mom and wife" not approaching midlife. If you value this image of yourself, unrealistic as it is, you'll do some fence mending at home before considering any outside invitations. A good wife, let alone a perfect one, does not look at sex with her husband like sex with her dad. Something desperately needs fixing in your marriage.

Q: I am a 50-year-old male. At night when I take a shower I like to masturbate, and at the same time insert my finger into my rectum and fantasize about different women I know putting their finger there while giving me oral sex and having an orgasm in their mouth. Is this normal behavior?

A: Yes.

Q: I am a 24-year-old female who identifies with many of your readers in that I have been experiencing a lack of libido for the past five years. I am ready for the counseling that you so often suggest, but what kind should I seek out? My boyfriend is very understanding. Do we go to couples counseling? A psychologist? Psychiatrist? MFCC? LSW? Where do I find this person? If you suggest the yellow pages, am I looking for a sex therapist and do they list their specialty in the phone book?

A: In your case, I'd start with a good gynecologist for a thorough physical checkup, ruling out depression and low testosterone levels. Ask the doctor for a recommendation. Ask your friends. Look at the ads in this paper. See who is quoted on the news or in other media who has things to say that make sense to you. Each specialty has something unique going for it, but I don't think that's as important as your connection with the individual her/himself and your comfort with the fees, hours, location and reputation. Good luck.

Q: I am a young man of 26 years. I am really confused. First, I am not circumcised, and every women I meet doesn't last in the relationship. They say that an uncircumcised man's penis is unhealthy and also he ejaculates very fast. The other reason they gave was that it is embarrassing for them to pull back my foreskin for foreplay. Second, they said I have a lot of pubic hair around the genitals, and I must shave as it is sexy and romantic. How can a man shave? How is it done? What are the effects? Please help me. I am now a stressed and lonely person because of these problems.

A: How many women are we talking about who all had the same complaints about your penis, your ability to hold your erection and the amount of your pubic hair? I cannot imagine that these are universal objections. Some women prefer circumcised penises, some don't; most take what comes with the territory. How fast you ejaculate has little to do with that fact. You can learn better ejaculatory control through various techniques and exercises outlined in books such as Zilbergeld's The New Male Sexuality, Castleman's Sexual Solutions or the Sinclair Institute's sex education tapes (1-800-955-0888). As for the amount of your public hair — yes, some men do shave their pubes or their partner does it for them. Most hairy men settle for keeping it neatly trimmed with a pair of blunt-edged scissors. Nothing will be changed except the amount of your hair ... and perhaps, your stress levels.

Isadora Alman is a licensed marriage counselor and a board-certified sexologist. You can reach her online at her Sexuality Forum ( or by writing to her care of this paper. Alas, she cannot answer questions individually. Isadora Alman is a licensed marriage counselor and a board-certified sexologist. You can reach her online at her Sexuality Forum ( or by writing to her care of this paper. Alas, she can not answer questions

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