Q: As always, your advice to FART was spot-on. FART wanted to know how to talk women into letting him sniff their farts, and insisted his fetish wasn’t disgusting. You rightly pointed out that it is dis-gusting. Here’s something that may make FART feel a bit better about himself: None other than James Joyce was into the same thing. In a dirty letter Joyce sent to his beloved, “my sweet little whorish Nora,” you can read the following:
“You had an arse full of farts that night, darling, and I fucked them out of you, big fat fellows, long windy ones, quick little merry cracks and a lot of tiny little naughty farties ending in a long gush from your hole. It is wonderful to fuck a farting woman when every fuck drives one out of her. I think I would know Nora’s fart anywhere. I think I could pick hers out in a roomful of farting women. It is a rather girlish noise not like the wet windy fart which I imagine fat wives have. It is sudden and dry and dirty like what a bold girl would let off in fun in a school dormitory at night. I hope Nora will let off no end of her farts in my face so that I may know their smell also.”
That’s pretty literate considering what he’s describing. After that, I may even read Ulysses. And I can’t think of an acronym but I’d be proud to have my name on your degenerate page. —Tim Chilman
A: I’m thrilled to have your name on my degenerate page, Tim, and I’d like to mention my brother’s name as well, Bill Savage, who stuffs youngsters’ heads — and only their heads — at Northwestern University. I have to admit that I doubted you, Tim, and I worried that you might be making all of this up, so I asked my brother to look up Joyce’s letters. He verified that, yes indeed, James Joyce, like FART, was a gas-huffer.
Q: I am an 18-year-old female dating a 19-year-old male — we are both virgins. We met in a behavior modification program. We are now both home and dating, which we couldn’t do in the program. It’s my first committed relationship, and we’re in love. We want to have sex. My parents are fine with it, but his parents are devout Catholics who would be very upset. He wants to have sex anyway, which I definitely want, but his parents pay the bills for him and he could be in big trouble if they find out. I love this boy and I hate leaving him in pain every time I see him; we are very sexually frustrated. I would say we should just do it anyway and not bother telling his parents. However, this would be hard because my parents would be paying for the birth control and they would not approve of his parents not knowing. Either way, someone’s parents are going to be upset. I don’t know if we could afford our own birth control and I don’t want to be sneaking around. —Needing Sex Checking Morals
A: Jesus Christ, NSCM! What did your parents expect them to do to you two in that behavior modification program!? Lobotomize you and castrate him? He doesn’t need permission from his parents to have sex, and you don’t need your parents’ permission to have sex with him. You’re both adults, even if you are living at home, and adults don’t tell their parents everything. Adults certainly don’t go to their parents for permission when they decide they’re ready to have sex. You’re not “sneaking around” when you have sex behind your parents’ backs, NSCM, you’re having a private life.
If your parents won’t supply you with birth control without insisting that you blab to your boyfriend’s Catholic parents about the impending loss of their son’s precious virginity, NSCM, then go and buy your own damn birth control! Just 10 minutes picking up cans by the side of the road and you’ll have enough cash on hand to buy a dozen condoms. Geez!
Q: I am ass over teakettle in love with a boy, but he was badly abused for a long time and raped at age 10. He cannot admit his love for me, but I can tell from how he acts. Not long ago I told him I could never date him because he hit his last girlfriend. (She was being really bitchy and said something his dad who beat him used to say.) Now he has left under dark of night and I don’t know where he is. Before he left he told me he loved me. I said, “no way,” even though my heart was saying, “yes!” Now I know I really do love him. If he comes back, should I date him? —Loves Broken Things
A: Here’s a guy who was abused by his father, raped at 10, and left so badly damaged that he has a hard time expressing his feelings. He also hit his last girlfriend, who was being, you know, really bitchy and stuff. And he recently disappeared, and no one knows where he is. Gee, I don’t know, LBT, but something about this guy makes me think he just might not be relationship material. Call it a hunch.
Q: I propose that Roger Nance of Houston be awarded the title of Patron Saint of Gay Rights. Mr. Nance, as more people should be made aware, was the neighbor of John Lawrence and Tyrone Garner in Houston who made a false report to the police that resulted in the two men being arrested for having anal intercourse. Their case went all the way to the U.S. Supreme Court, which, as everyone now knows, just declared sodomy laws unconstitutional. Had Roger Nance not made that call, gay sex would still be illegal today in Texas, as well as in many other states. For this reason, I propose his sainthood. And I hope it really pisses him off. And I hope that you will mention this fine American in an upcoming column.
A: I am happy to call attention to Roger Nance’s contributions to the struggle for gay and lesbian equality, DD, but sainthood seems a bit much. Perhaps we could name a brand of lube after him? And while American sodomites are expressing our gratitude let’s give thanks — and cash — to the Lambda Legal Defense and Education Fund (lambdalegal.org). Yes, Roger Nance got the ball rolling in 1998, but it was Lambda Legal that invested years and hundreds of thousands of dollars pursuing the case through the courts, and it was Lambda Legal attorneys who successfully argued Lawrence vs. Texas before the U.S. Supreme Court. All you gays and lesbians out celebrating last week? Send Lambda Legal a check today. You too, straight folks: It wasn’t just anti-gay sodomy laws that the Supremes struck down, but anti-straight sodomy laws in nine states. Make checks out to Lambda Legal Defense and Education Fund, and mail ’em off to Lambda Legal, 120 Wall Street, Suite 1500, New York, NY 10005. Do it now.Contact Dan Savage at email@example.com