Q: I have a question I dont think youve ever addressed in your column. Im a 32-year-old heterosexual female who was stricken with near-terminal cancer eight years ago. Ive gone through every sort of treatment known to mankind (and had the gross misfortune of going through menopause at 27 years old). I was sort of a late bloomer when the disease took hold, and I had only had sex with one man, when I was 23 years old. That relationship lasted about six months.
For a long time, I suspected that I would not live, and therefore I didnt think too much about having a sex life. But about two years ago, I finished a final round of treatment, and now Im cancer-free. Ive re-established myself professionally, and for the first time I feel like I may have a future. My problem is that I have no confidence in sex. Its been nine years since Ive had sex and I dont have an advanced skill set that one might expect of a 32-year-old woman. But I also know that a successful sex life is something I want and need and deserve, and Im not willing to go without it much longer.
I took it upon myself to have some cosmetic surgery to restore my looks (I had some bloating that stretched my skin, and some really bad scars), and men are starting to notice me. I would very much like to have a sex life and I very much want to rock the world of the next person Im with. Do you have any suggestions as to where I might find a heterosexual man who would be willing to educate me? Would it be foolish to explain my predicament to people seeking casual sex on various Web sites? I am at this time more comfortable without the nervousness of an emotional entanglement so please dont tell me to just find a nice guy. Former Sicko Seeking Sex
A: Sorry, FSSS, but Im going to have to tell you to find a nice guy but one who, like you, isnt looking for an emotional entanglement.
You dont say so explicitly, FSSS, but the implication is loud and clear: You believe there are two kinds of guys out there. There are nice ones, those men seeking sex coupled with an emotional entanglement, and there are not-so-nice ones, those men seeking sex free from an emotional entanglement. This assumption is commonly made, FSSS, and it makes me lose my patience. Everyone seems to agree that people seeking emotionally entangled sex are kind and considerate and moral, while people seeking NSA thats no strings attached are cruel and selfish and immoral. But it aint necessarily so.
Being in a long-term relationship with someone whether youre just going steady, planning to marry, or already married is no guarantee that youre going to wind up with someone nice. Newspapers, divorce courts and criminal trials are crammed with examples of people who found themselves emotionally entangled with cruel, selfish, and even homicidal lovers or spouses. Conversely, FSSS, bedrooms, backseats and dungeons across this great land of ours are crammed with kind, considerate and deeply moral people enjoying NSA, entanglement-free sex. Casual sex doesnt have to be cold, ugly or diminishing any more than marital sex is guaranteed to be warm, beautiful and uplifting. That there are kind, considerate people out there searching for NSA sex should be apparent to you, FSSS I mean, arent you one of them?
With a little effort you can find yourself a nice guy who wants to have sex free from emotional entanglements. Advertise on those Web sites or, better yet, in this papers personals. Be honest about your needs, what youre asking for (tutelage), and what youre offering (your ass). Women seeking NSA sex are few and far between, FSSS, which means youll be in such great demand that you can write your own ticket. Ask to meet first not one of those emotional-entanglement-making dates, just a meeting, in a public place, to see if youre into him, hes into you, etc. Let the guys know what youre looking for and why. Share your story, FSSS, and the guys who stick around will be the ones who have the emotional depth and the kindness of heart to give you the entanglement-free sexual adventure-education youre looking for. Then, once youve screened the candidates, pick the one you want to keep just like Jerry Hall on VH1s Kept. (Pick Austin, Jerry! Pick Austin!) Then bang the nice guys brains out.
Q: I am a straight male 22-year-old who has always had an interest in a girls bare feet. Nothing crazy, its mostly just rubbing my girlfriends feet. But I tend to do it to the point where she asks (and she always asks), Do you have a foot fetish or something? My question: Is this a kink found only in men, or are there women out there who get off on touching the feet of the opposite sex? Curious In Cali
A: The correct response to Do you have a foot fetish or something? is Yes, I do. As fetishes go, a thing for womens feet is a thoroughly charming throwback to more innocent times heck, its positively Clintonian. Be upbeat and be up-front. Instead of waiting to be asked, CIC, tell your girlfriends right away. Smile and say, I have a foot fetish, honey always have, always will. My girlfriends are lucky they get all the foot massages they want.
And to answer your question: No, there arent a lot of women out there who have foot fetishes. Its a guy thing.
Q: In response to Lustful Little Brother, you said, No one I know whos had a three-way with a sibling looks back on the incident with fondness. No brotherly tag-teaming, OK? I just had to respond. In high school I dated a guy while I was secretly sleeping with his twin brother. One night while brother No. 1 and I were having sex in his room, brother No. 2 came in and joined us. I guess they didnt keep secrets! The three of us had about eight months of blissful two- and three-ways before I went off to college. That was 18 years ago, and I havent talked to them in about 15 years, but the last time we saw each other, it didnt seem to me that they had any regrets. Been There, Done Them
A: There isnt room in this space for me to rehearse every possible exception to every generally accepted rule of liberated sexual conduct, BTDT. Tag-teaming brothers are always and everywhere a bad idea except when were talking attractive male twins, of course. On top of sharing their DNA, many twins share an intense emotional and physical connection. Some twins find they can share everything even a high school tramp without experiencing an emotional meltdown or a sexual identity crisis. More power to them, BTDT, but theyre an exception, even among twins.
Q: A note of thanks: My friends used to read your column in high school to laugh at weirdoes. But when two boys at our school came out, we knew a lot about being gay from reading you, so no one freaked. Three years later I caught my first serious boyfriend at college wearing my panties. Instead of freaking, I decided to be GGG. If it werent for you, Dan, we wouldnt still be together. So, like, thanks. Loves A Pantie Dude
P.S. Enjoy the pic of my boyfriend in his panties! He likes to be spanked too!
A: Youre so, like, welcome, LAPD. Thanks for sharing.Send letters to firstname.lastname@example.org