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Do not pass go

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No matter how many useless gifts you received, they can’t possibly stack up against the Alice Cooper 1998 Backstage Pass. Yup, it’s an actual unused backstage pass from three years ago. Alice Cooper fans might consider this sticker a collectible item. But it’s useless in the year 2001! It can’t get you in anywhere. You’ll have the privilege of meeting nobody. And you’ll have to repeatedly explain this to anyone who questions its validity. It seems about as useful as buying a ticket for a concert that already occurred. But if you’re determined, the pass is available for $9.95, as is an Alice Cooper gift pack and other artist memorabilia, at www.signaturessuperstars.com.

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