TAURUS (April 20-May 20): In the coming week, your dreams will be more interesting and important than anything that happens during the day. Your sleeping mind can solve all your problems if given enough time — and maybe even the problems of those you love, too. Can you afford to stay in bed for 12 hours at a stretch? APRIL FOOL! Twelve hours might be a bit much. But everything else I said was true. You have the potential to be a dreaming genius.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Visualize a scenario in which Israelis and Palestinians are still embroiled in a hateful state of siege after 100 years. Imagine that the personal problems bugging you now will continue to torment you indefinitely. Live your life as if you believe the world is falling apart and that we human beings are parasites bent on wrecking the paradise we’ve been blessed with. APRIL FOOL! Don’t you dare indulge in any of the hackneyed cynicism I just spouted. While educated idiots might try to convince you that badmouthing the future is honest and intelligent, it’s actually a bad habit based on delusion. Here’s your real assignment, Gemini: Retrain your mind to expect the best.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): Add more locks to your doors and more armor to your defense mechanisms. Transform your home into an impregnable fortress of solitude and don’t go out unless you absolutely have to. You must make yourself perfectly safe! APRIL FOOL! It probably makes sense to be more discriminating about whom you share your feelings with, but in general it’s an excellent time to open your heart and turn your home into a festive center of abundance. I suggest you invite every interesting person you trust to come and experience you in your natural habitat.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): This just in: It is possible to buy happiness. In fact, researchers at Yahoo! Personal Finance have determined the precise amount necessary: $4.9 million. Now here’s the crazy part, Leo: The chances are far better than usual that you’ll win the lottery this week, thereby guaranteeing your eternal happiness. APRIL FOOL! While you Leos do have extraordinary financial luck these days, there just aren’t enough lotteries in the world to ensure that every one of you will win one.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Your role model these days should be the vulgar, debauched writer Charles Bukowski. He was poor most of his life as he worked endless odd jobs, but he managed to publish 50 books with titles like Love Is a Dog from Hell. Here’s one of his typically inspired passages: "It’s not easy to juggle a full-time job, a pregnant wife, and a troubled child, but somehow I still managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day." Be like Bukowksi this week, Virgo. APRIL FOOL! I was just messin’ wit’ you, dog! I don’t really want you to be like Bukowski. But I had you going there for a minute, didn’t I? And that’s good, because every now and then — like right now — it’s damn healthy for you to fantasize that you’re a vulgar, debauched writer.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Does your roommate have some ripe plums in the refrigerator that you’re dying to devour? Go right ahead. In the spot where the plums were, leave this poem by William Carlos Williams: "I have eaten/ the plums/ that were in/ the icebox/ and which/ you were probably/ saving/ for breakfast/ Forgive me/ they were delicious/ so sweet/ and so cold". APRIL FOOL! While you do have astrological permission to be grabbier and greedier and more impulsive than usual, you can easily do that without generating any bad karma. Don’t steal the plums.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): It’s not enough to do good deeds this week. You should also be intent on getting handsomely repaid for your good deeds. In other words, Scorpio, generosity will be a brilliant strategy if it manipulates others into being generous to you. APRIL FOOL! The truth is that you should bestow blessings everywhere you go, but with absolutely no strings attached. Here are your words to live by, courtesy of the Dalai Lama: "Try with all your might — work very, very hard — to make the world a better place. But if all your efforts are to no avail — no hard feelings!"
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Everyone in the world is either a narcissist or a closet narcissist. Ironically, it’s those in the latter group who’re more dangerous. Their self-obsession gets expressed in covert ways that are hard to track. That’s one reason why you should be unapologetically blatant about expressing your superiority this week, Sagittarius. APRIL FOOL! I went overboard there, although not by a whole lot. Let’s just say that between now and April 18 you have cosmic permission to love yourself even more than usual and break your all-time bragging records.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): My reader-satisfaction level is high. The weekly audience for this horoscope column is about nine million people, but I get an average of only 40 complaints a year. Maybe it’s because you Capricorns are so forceful in sticking up for your needs, but a disproportionate number of the beefs I receive are from your tribe. That’s why I’ve decided to never again utter a discouraging word in your presence. APRIL FOOL! I love you, Capricorn! And it wouldn’t be very loving to refrain from kicking your butt on those rare occasions when you need it. Like now, for instance: I demand that you demand higher standards from you and your inner circle.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): A swimming coach in Darwin, Australia decided that his young swimmers lacked ambition. They were consistently mediocre in competition, with no apparent drive for peak performances. Hoping to rouse their primal instinct to swim faster, he proposed to have them practice with a ten-foot crocodile in the pool. I wish you Aquarians would consider being equally daring as you ratchet up your motivation levels in the coming weeks. APRIL FOOL! Scaring yourself is a terrible strategy. But I do think you should take a more aggressive approach to stimulating your drive for excellence.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Quit your job immediately. Move out of your house. Break off your closest relationships. Give away all your clothes to charity and sell your car at less than market value. If you do these things, I guarantee that within six weeks you will get an easy job where everyone loves you and you get paid way too much money to have way too much fun. APRIL FOOL! I was just testing you to see how susceptible you are to being manipulated by experts you trust. The fact is, Pisces, if you turn down the volume of the authority figures who drone on in your head, your financial situation and your job satisfaction will markedly improve. Here’s this week’s homework: No pain, no gain. Shit happens. Life is a bitch and then you die. APRIL FOOL! The truth is that the whole world is conspiring to give you exactly what you need, exactly when you need