TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Does the curse "goddamn it" fly out of your mouth every time you stub your toe or misplace your keys? Do you have trouble remembering any of the Ten Commandments? If so, says the Weekly World News, you’re going to hell when you die many years from now. There is, however, a chance you can begin some atonement now that will cancel out the karma from the above-named sins and stave off eternal damnation. APRIL FOOL! The acts I named aren’t sins, and besides, there’s no such thing as hell. However, it’s true that this is a good time to seek forgiveness and try to correct old mistakes.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): The number 6714 has always been devoid of any cosmic significance for you. But now it has burst into your life to serve as your lucky number — an omen of abundance, grace, and success. Your assignment: Make prodigious use of 6714. APRIL FOOL! There is no such thing as a lucky number, except in the sense that all numbers are lucky numbers for those people who believe they are lucky. Your *real* assignment is this, Gemini: Find a way to believe in your heart that for you, all numbers are lucky.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): Watch out for fake pizza-delivery drivers who’re actually trying to issue you a subpoena. Be careful you don’t see a blood-red sky at dusk, in case it’s a bad omen predicting the outbreak of tribulations. Beware of the possibility that a large bird carrying a turtle to its nest accidentally drops its prey on your head. APRIL FOOL! The truth is, my fellow Cancerian, this should be one of the most worry-free weeks in the history of your life. You’re welcome, of course, to dream up a host of scary fantasies if you find that entertaining, but I can practically guarantee that they’ll all be illusory.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): I’m reasonably certain that a supermodel wearing antlers and clown face paint will soon offer you $10,000 for the right to spank you on national TV. It’ll be that kind of week, Leo: a time when opportunities will come your way cloaked in seemingly absurd circumstances. You might also expect that a homeless person will lead you to a dumpster in which there’s a suitcase containing a priceless 2,500-year-old archaeological artifact. APRIL FOOL! It’s true that this week will bring more opportunities than usual, and they’ll probably all have some odd twist — but not quite *that* odd.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): This is a perfect astrological moment to recreate the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel using Play-Doh as your raw material. It’s also a good time to learn to play Mozart’s Magic Flute on the kazoo, produce an abridged, 1,000-word version of James Joyce’s Ulysses, or build a miniature model of the Sphinx using toothpicks and rubber bands. APRIL FOOL! Doing any of the things I just described would be a silly waste of time and energy. Please find projects that are truly worthy of your creativity, which is overflowing right now.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Astronomers estimate that about 8,500 stars are visible to the naked eye. Half of them are always below the horizon and therefore out of sight. Since most of us live amid the light pollution of cities, the number of stars we can actually see is about 2,500. Your assignment this week, Libra, is to go outside on a clear, moonless night and make a wish on 1,000 of those stars. It’s the wishing season. Go wild. APRIL FOOL! While it’s true that this is the wishing season, it would be a poor use of your energy to dilute your longing in such a scattershot manner. Instead, choose just one of the visible stars and beam your most important heart’s desire in its direction.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Due to a special dispensation from the cosmic powers that be, you have been authorized to basically just sit around and do nothing this week. Are you ready to enjoy the pleasures of laziness and dissipation, Scorpio? Do you feel overdue for an extended phase of vegging out? APRIL FOOL! The truth is that you now have so much physical energy and emotional stamina that you can be three times as intense as you’ve ever been before. That’s a good thing, since the universe will be working you three times as hard as usual.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): "I always advise people never to give advice," said P.G. Wodehouse. Having seen the wisdom of his counsel, I will from now on fill your horoscopes with poetic and philosophical ruminations about your destiny, but I will never again give advice. There are enough people in this world telling you what you should do. I pledge to make this space your sanctuary. APRIL FOOL! The truth is, dispensing advice is in my genes. Now here’s my advice for you: Identify a natural talent that you were born to express. Then take one practical step to bring it into a fuller flowering.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): The still, small voice within you usually just provides you with vague platitudes about how to be a better citizen. But in the coming days, it will offer you truly useful information that could help you become richer, sexier, more popular and more powerful. Make damn sure you tune in. APRIL FOOL! The still, small voice within you does not just provide vague platitudes about how to be a better citizen. If you believe that, you’re listening to the wrong still, small voice. In fact, the real one is always overflowing with extremely practical information about how to run your day-to-day life in a way that’s fun and meaningful. Listen harder and faster than usual, please.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): This would be an excellent week to profit by spreading deception and misinformation, Aquarius. Your skills as a liar are at a peak. The more falsehoods you concoct, the more successful you will be. APRIL FOOL! It’s true that you could achieve illusory progress with the help of deceit. But that progress would soon lead you into a morass that would sap your energy. Besides, the ironic fact of the matter is that you now have the capacity to tell the truth with more clarity and gusto than you ever have before. To take advantage of that potential will bring you surprising rewards in the long run.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): It’s high time for you to spend more money, Pisces. You’re lagging way behind in your purchase of the goods and services you desperately need. Not only that: You’ve been lax in getting yourself the profound healing that can only come from shopping therapy. Get out there and splurge! Your role model is the Pentagon, which shells out an average of $8,612 per second. APRIL FOOL! I was just kidding. The truth is that it makes sense for you to spend more money on only one thing: experiences that will help you get better at performing a beloved skill that will fuel many future adventures. Here’s this week’s homework: Cynicism is a sign of intelligence. APRIL FOOL! Cynicism is actually a trendy substitute for real critical