Q: Early last year, my married girlfriend deployed to Iraq. Prior to her leaving she told me she was having problems with her husband. Being a good friend, I supported her. I learned via e-mail that she had fallen in love with another man. When she came home and asked her husband for a divorce, he was devastated. My girlfriend asked me to reach out to him, which I did. We shared our problems and bonded. Big mistake. One night we went out, drank too much and did the deed. I cried, I left. But we continued to hang out. Here’s the worst part: My girlfriend is back for good now, and she and I work together. We are together at work constantly. Her husband and I continue to hang out and have sex. We are both lonely and want intimacy.
This is the part that worries me and makes me cringe: A mutual friend saw me and my girlfriend’s husband at the movies. My girlfriend asked him if he’s seeing me. He said it’s none of her business. I was on vacation when this all went down. The problem is, when I go to work, how can I play it off? I want to confess but I don’t want to be called out for being the slut that I am. How can I get out of this? How can I avoid getting caught? What am I going to do? I have not confessed any of this to another soul. —Sexual Longing = Upsetting Tryst
A: I keep reading and rereading your letter, SLUT, trying to figure out exactly what it is you did wrong, and so far I got nothin’. You girlfriend was having trouble in her marriage, met another man, decided to divorce her husband, and asked you to reach out to her soon-to-be ex-husband, who was naturally pretty depressed. You hung out with her husband at her request, and then the entirely predictable happened: You and your girlfriend’s soon-to-be ex-husband started banging away at each other. If your girlfriend didn’t see that one comin’ up the block, well, then she’s a fucking idiot.
But your girlfriend isn’t to blame for this mess. And neither are you. And neither is her soon-to-be ex-husband. No one is really to blame, SLUT, because no one really did anything wrong. Well, I guess all the infidelity was wrong, and your girlfriend did start it, which puts her more in the wrong than either you or her soon-to-be ex-husband, but at this point you’ve all got blood (and other bodily fluids) on your hands (you’re soaking in it), so no one really has a right to be keeping score.
So what to do? Stop worrying about getting “caught.” Tell your girlfriend straight-out that you’re seeing her ex. Without apologizing for what you’ve done, acknowledge that this puts you both in an awkward position because you work together. Tell your girlfriend that you know your friendship is going to suffer but that you hope you can patch it up one day. Then no more guilt, SLUT, no more tears. You didn’t betray your girlfriend, you didn’t seduce the man she loved or break up her marriage. She kicked her husband to the curb and that’s where you picked him up. You didn’t steal your girlfriend’s husband, SLUT, you recycled him.
Q: Help me understand why some men like to lick a woman’s butt. Not just the outside, but INSIDE, putting the tongue up inside it! This has come up recently with two gentlemen. One lover — refined, late-50s, married — let me know that he absolutely LOVES to do this and it gets him off like nothing else. My current lover — urban, late-20s, single — also busted this move. I would like to know WHY putting your tongue inside someone’s butthole would be appealing or a turn-on in any way. I don’t mind it but it does nothing for me. What does it do for them? —Being Utterly Totally Taken
A: So many folks write me demanding to know why something that does nothing for them — eating butt, jacking off parakeets, wearing latex masks — excites someone else. “I wouldn’t enjoy jacking off parakeets,” people write, “so what could it possibly do for the people who do enjoy it?” There’s no good answer to this question, unfortunately. People do what they do because they like it, they’re turned on by the things that turn them on, which is why they do them. The turn-on itself is the “why.”
In your case, BUTT, why do some men like to eat butt? Because they like to eat butt. And why do they like to eat butt? Because it turns them on to eat butt. And why does it turn them on? Because it does. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.
Q: Being with a mannequin is better than being with another person. (I like to think of myself as half of a mannequpple.) They put out and they do whatever you want. The harder ones to get your hands on are the mannequins in high-end designer stores. These companies have their marketing gurus design their mannequins and they’re the best-looking ones out there. Unfortunately, you can’t get them at any mannequin warehouse and most sales clerks don’t respond positively to inquiries about purchasing them. So I’ve resorted to stealing them — which is easier than it sounds. The best way is to dress up looking like you’re from “corporate,” bring a clipboard with an “Artificial Model Inventory Sheet,” remove the clothes from the mannequin, and pick it up and walk out like you’re doing nothing wrong. If they question you (which has NEVER happened to me, and I’ve stolen dozens of them), just tell them to call Wanda at some number you give them, should they have any questions. Then keep walking. —AB in Annapolis
A: Thanks for the tip, ABIA, but I was just kidding around about the mannequin fetish thing. While there’s a clothing store near my office filled with skinny male mannequins wearing the kind of clothes that turn my head, I haven’t developed a fetish for hot, headless hipsters, despite what I wrote in this space two weeks ago. So to you, ABIA, and all the other mannequin fetishists out there who wrote in, and to all the folks who wrote in to tell me that I had a fellow fetishist in comic-book artist/walking freak show R. Crumb, and to the dozens of you who wrote in to point out the upside of fucking a hot, headless hipster boy (you won’t have to listen to him talk about his vinyl collection or read the stuff he’s planning on submitting to Vice magazine), and to the one person out there who offered to send me what he thought might be snuff porn featuring a hot, beheaded hipster boy — enough already! It was a joke and it’s one I’ve come to regret.
Q: In recent years, my friends and I have become concerned that we are the only women left with pubic hair. Many of the women we know (and an alarming number of the men) claim to be entirely pube-free. In fact, a certain friend, who gets around quite a bit, claims that he hasn’t seen an unshorn pubic region in years. I would like to ask your readers to respond to our informal survey, and to indicate 1) if they have pubes or not; 2) to what degree they are shaved (For instance: Are they entirely hairless? Are they sporting a Brazilian wax, the "Beckham look," or some other variant of minge topiary?); 3) for how long, or since what age have people been trimming or otherwise manipulating their hair; and 4) any thoughts on this sociological trend? We would appreciate any responses, sent to email@example.com. —Enraged Girls Against Deforestation
A: Here’s your letter, EGAD. I encourage my readers — pube-furry and pube-free — to write in and let you know where they’re coming from.Send letters to firstname.lastname@example.org