Q: I have been seeing this great guy for about two years now. A few months back I stumbled upon some she-male photos on our computer. When I confronted him, he said that it was in response to a nightmare he had from watching HBO late at night or something. I asked him to be honest with himself and me. I told him I could be GGG or that we could just be friends if he didnt want to be with a natural woman anymore. He said he wanted to be with me.
Today as I browsed for errant cookies clogging my computer, I found more she-male pics. Is my boyfriend gay? Is there anything I can do to help satisfy him sexually? What can I do emotionally? Is it better to try to maintain the relationship or encourage him to explore his desires? Who can I refer him to? How can I help him? Guess It Isnt Really Love
A: Ill get to your problem in a moment, GIIRL, but first I feel compelled to apologize to my readers for going on vacation just as all hell was breaking loose. I fly off to Europe and a high-ranking staffer in Senator Rick Frothy Mix Santorums office, Robert Traynham, gets outed; Jude Law gets caught fucking his lets be frank distressingly homely nanny (you can do, and have done, better, Jude!); and most, most infamously, a man dies in Washington state after having sex with a horse.
The first reports about the death-by-horse didnt include the exact cause of death and, like many people, I assumed the man had been fatally kicked in the head when he attempted to mount the killer horse. This was not the case. The man died, a horrified world soon learned, of a perforated colon. A perforated colon could mean only one thing: The horse was the active partner and the dead man, a 45-year-old resident of Seattle, had literally been fucked to death.
After the news broke, hundreds of distressed Savage Love readers wrote in to ask me why anyone would want to be fucked by a horse, how that would work exactly, and how a perforated colon kills you. (A perforated colon leaks like Karl Rove on a bender, you see, which in this case led to a fatal case of acute peritonitis.) A few people wrote in to ask if the farm was still open for business. I was away when you needed me most, dear readers, drinking my way through Glasgow and Copenhagen when I should have been here, at Ann Landers desk, comforting and consoling you. And by the time I returned to work this week, every angle of this story the ethics, etiquette and mechanics of getting fucked by a horse had already been covered by Miss Manners, Garrison Keillor and Bob Novak, so theres really nothing left for me to add.
Except this: The dead man videotaped the fatal encounter, a tape the police seized, reviewed and, apparently, leaked, as the videotape is now on the Web. Of all the troubling aspects of this incident, its the existence of this videotape that has me scratching my head. One would think that getting fucked in the ass by a horse would be an experience so memorable that you wouldnt need a videotape to recall it. (Hey, remember that time you got fucked by a horse? No, I cant say that I do. Hand me that box of Depends, would you?) But the man made a video and now its out there for all to see, which is a tragedy for the dead man, his family and the killer horse. (Dont write in and ask me for the link unlike Bob Novak, there are some things I wont put in my column.)
OK, GIIRL, on to your issues ...
So whats up with the she-male thing? Its like this: Straight boys love tits. Straight boys also love cock. In most cases straight boys are enamored of their own cocks exclusively, and theres nothin queer about that. But for a tiny minority of straight guys, their love of cock extends to other cocks. This thing is most commonly expressed by a taste for straight porn that prominently displays cock. Most straight guys who enjoy cock in their porn identify with the other mens cocks, enjoying the thrill of living vicariously through them. But a thin slice of these straight guys actually lust after cock but just the dicks, GIIRL, not the dudes. An even thinner slice of this already thin slice of the straight-guy pie actively long for dick a dick other than their own but theyre straight, you see, and they dont want to mess around with an actual dude, just a cock. And thats where she-males come in excuse me, cash in. Theyve got dicks, and their dicks arent attached to dudes. Their dicks are attached to babes, and cock-hungry straight boys will pay them good money for the pleasure of their company.
So is your boyfriend gay? No, hes not. I dont know any gay men who lust after she-males; that obsession is an exclusively straight-identified-male-with-a-hunger-for-cock phenomenon. His she-male obsession technically disqualifies him from the 100-percent-straight category, but it doesnt necessarily make him bi or gay just a touch queer. If youre not down with that, well, then DTMFA.
Q: I have a bend-over boyfriend who I love very much and weve been dating for almost a year. I am his first strap-on girlfriend. For a while the sex was hot and explosive. Then a few months ago we cooled off something fierce. The BF was under a lot of stress and he told me that sex was just the last thing on his mind. He seemed sincere and he made an effort after that, but that wasnt what bothered me.
I came across a business card for a gay mens bathhouse in his place. That shook me up. He claimed he didnt know where the card came from, or even what a bathhouse was. He said he understood my fear and that night he curled up to me and told me he loved me.
Well, shortly afterward I saw that he had looked up the same bathhouse on his computer and bookmarked it. I freaked. He said that he thought originally it was a toyshop and thats why he had looked up the Web site, and that he didnt realize hed bookmarked it. He claimed again that there was nothing to worry about.
I find myself completely paranoid now. Im afraid to even look around his house because I might see something that will tell me hes lying. He now gets irritated when I ask him anything and insists that everything is fine. I have no question that this man loves me but this just wont go away. I feel I dont trust him. Do I have a legitimate fear or am I possibly blowing the situation out of proportion? Not Wanting A Gay Ex
A: A guy can like getting fucked in the ass by his girlfriend, NWAGE, or be too stressed out for sex, or innocently come into possession of info about a gay bathhouse and still be a straight guy. But all three at once? He likes getting fucked in the ass, hes not that interested in his girlfriend anymore, and youre finding cards for a gay bathhouse lying around his apartment and the same bathhouses Web site bookmarked on his computer? Im sorry, NWAGE, but your guy cant be straight. He may not be gay; he could be bisexual, or just heteroflexible enough to be curious about what a real cock feels like. But straight, bi or gay, hes not being straight with you. If youre not down with sharing his ass with some stranger in a gay bathhouse, well, then youd better DTMFA.Send letters to firstname.lastname@example.org