Q: I’m a woman in my early 20s. I love to insert a tampon in my rear end when I masturbate. It gets me off — but I feel dirty. Is this normal? Do other people share this pleasure? —Confused About Tampons
A: It wasn’t my intention to pile on top of Michael Jackson. The King of Pop had a terrible week: On Tuesday, Nov. 18, police raided Jackson’s ranch in California looking for evidence in connection with an accusation of — did anyone see this one coming? — child molestation. By the end of the week, Jackson had been arrested, surrendered his passport, and posted bail. A pop star hasn’t had such a bad week since Nick Lachey married Jessica Simpson.
What do Jackson’s woes have to do with you? Your letter arrived in my office on Thursday, Nov. 13, five days before the raid on Neverland. I was sitting at my computer on Nov. 18, composing a typically thoughtful response, when my office mate screamed, “Dan! Go to the Drudge Report — now!”
It gets weirder: Not only was I writing a response to your question when I heard the news about Jackson, I was writing about Jackson in my response!
I can’t imagine that this is going to make you feel better about your fetish, but you’re not alone. None other than Michael Jackson — the artist of the millennium, America’s most wanted — has been accused in print of sharing your fetish. In 1995 a book called Michael Jackson Was My Lover was published in Chile. (A tiny press in San Francisco also released a version in 1997.) Written by Victor M. Gutierrez, Michael Jackson … claims to tell the story of “the boy who sued the King of Pop.” And on page 64 there’s this rather inelegant chapter title: “Jackson’s Use of Enemas and Tampons.”
If Jackson puts tampons up his butt — less freaky than some of the things Jackson has admitted to doing — this book answers two of your questions, CAT: “Is this normal?” and, “Do other people share this pleasure?” Yes, at least one other person would appear to share your pleasure — but since that person may be Michael Jackson, you’re definitely not normal. You’re a freak by association. Your perversion lacks a name, so far as I can tell, so I hereby dub it the “Action Jackson,” or “AJ” for short.
So what gets you off about sticking tampons up your butt? The clitoris is a complicated web of tissues, and not just the exposed bit above your vagina. As the growing tampon expands in your butt, it may press on your interior clitoral tissues, and this may be what’s getting you off. Or you may be aroused by the sheer filthy, perverse, taboo-shattering what-the-hell of it all. While you can re-create the feeling of a tampon expanding in your butt by purchasing an inflatable butt plug, if what’s getting you off is the perversity of it all, CAT, you’ll have to keep AJ-ing your brains out.
Q: Gone are the days when you showered your love on Ashton Kutcher in print, and expressed desires to shower him with so much more. Has the young actor’s hyper-publicized affair with an older, hard-bodied celebrity nonactress dimmed his star in your eyes? —Whither Ashton, Dan?
A: Ashton is just as beautiful as ever, WAD, and, no, his relationship with Demi Moore doesn’t bother me a bit. Nevertheless, I can’t deny that my love for Ashton has cooled. Just last weekend I saw the preview for the new Steve Martin movie, Cheaper by the Dozen, and there was a 15-second clip of a dog sinking his teeth into Ashton’s ass. A year ago I would’ve given anything to be that dog. But I felt nothing.
What gives? I’m not some hipster who decides his favorite band is crap the minute the group hits it big. No, I’m afraid it’s worse than that, WAD. You see … there’s another man. I’m sorry, Ashton, but I’m in love with Trent Ford now.
When I first wrote about Ashton Kutcher in my column — pre-“Punk’d,” pre-Just Married, pre-Demi, pre-Pulitzer Prize — most of the mail I got in response went something like this: “Who’s Ashton Kutcher?” I expect I’ll get similar mail about beautiful, smart, tall, gorgeous Trent. People laughed about my obsession with Ashton; I was accused of thinking with my dick. But my dick was right about Ashton, and I predict that my dick will be right about Trent Ford. Check out the Sept./Oct. 2003 issue of V Magazine, WAD. There’s a photo spread of Trent in there that will make you say “Ashton who?”
Q: I’m a straight guy, age 22. When I’m fucking my girlfriend, I sometimes dive down on her muff to rev her up. When my girl is good and revved, she pulls me up and wants me to stick my dick back in. But by then I’m not hard enough. I need her to suck me or stroke me for a bit before I’m ready to go again. Is this solvable? —Soft-Headed Boy
A: Sticking with this week’s celebrity theme, SHB, I’m going to advise you to watch the Paris Hilton sex tape — not for prurient purposes, of course, but because it demonstrates a basic and very useful sexual technique. I get a lot of letters from guys who worry about their tendency to go limp when their dicks aren’t the center of attention — i.e. when they eat pussy, pause to put on a condom, or their girlfriends jump out of bed to answer their cell phones. As you watch the Paris Hilton sex tape, pay close attention to Miss Hilton’s co-star’s right hand. Whenever Paris isn’t sitting on, sucking, or being impaled by Rick Solomon’s huge, green, and beautiful dick, he’s stroking himself, keeping his dick rock-hard and ready for its triumphant re-entry into Paris. Emulate Rick Solomon, SHB, and your dick will always be ready.
Q: Last year, you asked your readers to send in their worst sex-related holiday experiences. This year, let’s all send you our favorite, fondest, most cherished sex-related holiday experiences. I’ve got mine all picked out and ready to send in. —Holidays Are Sexy
A: Great idea, HAS. Send your most cherished sex-related holiday experiences to firstname.lastname@example.org. The best stories will appear in a special holiday-memories installment of Savage Love.
Next week: News of my new all-santorum, all-the-time Web site!Dan Savage’s newest book, Skipping Towards Gomorrah, is out in paperback. Contact Dan Savage at email@example.com