How do you do, ladies and gentlemen. This is Bob "Media Blackout" Hope coming to you live from the big room upstairs. I'm filling in for Jeffrey Morgan, who's away this week in Da Nang Trong province listening to some of the latest rice-paddy platters. You know what "Da Nang Trong" means, don't you? That's Vietnamese for "Exit strategy? We don't need no stinking exit strategy."
No, but I'm really thrilled to be here on the road to ruin, as my good friend Joey Ramone would say. In fact, most of the Ramones are up here, although it took them a while to clear customs. They were 40 pounds overweight, and that was just their hair. Yeah, and I hear Joey's going to record a new Christmas song with Bing Crosby as soon as the old groaner recovers from that "Little Drummer Boy" duet he did with David Bowie 30 years ago. Just wait until he finds out that Joey's been taking sarong lessons from Dorothy Lamour. Isn't that wild?
Last week we held the inaugural Bob Hope Celestial Classic golf tournament and everybody was there from Jerry Colonna to Les Brown and his fabulous Band of Renown. Nixon and Ford teamed up to give Washington and Lincoln a run for their money on cloud nine's back nine. I haven't seen so many dead presidents in one place since the last time Crosby opened up his wallet to air out his spare change.
Hey, and speaking of change, how about what happened in the change room after the game? While they were getting dressed, Orson Welles walked up to Milton Berle and said: "Milton, I just made a bet with some of the boys that you've got the biggest schlong in show business."
"What?" Berle said.
"Of course, we'll need to see it so I can collect," Orson continued.
"Are you crazy?" Berle replied. "Forget it."
"Milton, you don't realize how much money I wagered on you," Orson implored.
"Stop it," Berle said, walking away. "You're embarrassing me."
That's when Orson yelled out after him: "For God's sake Milton, just pull out enough for me to win the bet!"
Boy I wanna tell ya, ain't that somethin'?
NEXT WEEK: THE ROAD TO MB105.
Jeffrey Morgan is a freelance writer. Send comments to email@example.com