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Juicy secrets

Q: Do women ever lubricate for no apparent reason? I always associated lubrication with sexual stimulation of some sort. But I picked up my girlfriend’s panties one day after work and they were pretty lubricated, just dried up a bit. She said that this is normal and it happens from time to time. Is that true?

A: You just happened to pick up her used underwear and check out the crotch carefully enough to discern dried secretions? I think snoopers usually deserve whatever rude surprise they encounter. ("You were looking at what online?" "Didn't you say you destroyed those pictures?" "When did we ever stay at this hotel together?") In this case, you're off the hook ... or she is. A woman secretes more at certain times of her menstrual cycle as well as from sexual thoughts, not necessarily just physical stimulation.

Q: I’ve been with my woman for more than 20 years and married to her for 11 years. She has provided me with three beautiful daughters and has been a great mom to them. But my wife has no sexual interest in me at all. For the past three years she has slept away from me and with her daughters. We live in the same house, but the only contact I've had is with her eyes. She makes no effort to appeal to me sexually. When I asked her why she doesn't, she just says I'm the reason. Lately, we've had some bad fights that end up with one of us telling the other to leave. There is a day or two of silence, then we revert back to the same old thing. I feel like I've got more of a roommate than a life partner. It's bothered me so much that I've asked her mom for intervention, to which she responds: "You married her!" Being sexually active all of my life, I'm having a very hard time repressing those feelings. Sex to me is the greatest sharing of one's self and one’s feelings for another. I cannot see a marriage surviving without the physical contact, especially when the flesh is willing. I've mentioned counseling to her, but she feels that she harbors no blame and refuses my suggestions. Is divorce the only way out? Please respond to this so I can print it out and leave it for her to see.

A: Nope. You couldn't enmesh her mother and you won't entangle me. Looks like you two are going to have to talk to each other. She told you that you are the reason she no longer desires sex — and you didn't ask for more information? She gave you three daughters but sleeps with them and not you? Don't you two even share the children, let alone an honest conversation? I see a lot of grievances here — yours and hers. Unless you air them and deal with them, things are unlikely to improve until one of you does leave, if you call that an improvement.

Q: I am a 22-year-old virgin who has never even been kissed. But I keep having these dreams about having sex; when I wake up I feel like I had an orgasm and the feeling stays with me for a while. The other thing about these dreams is that it's always with the same guy. Do you have any ideas what these dreams could mean? Is it normal for me to have them, considering I've never had sex?

A: Wet dreams, sometimes called nocturnal emissions, are common for males. Women, too, have discharges of their sexual energy in this way, but without a visual verification on the sheets. When you awake next time with that post-orgasmic feeling, check between your legs and see if you're wet. That might be your validation. As to why your dreams keep starring the same guy, I'll take a wild guess and say that, acknowledged or not, you're attracted to him. Isadora Alman, author of Doing It: Real People Having Really Good Sex, is a board-certified sexologist and a California-licensed marriage-and-family therapist. Contact her at askisadora@aol.com. Her Sexuality Forum is at

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