Q: I’m a chick with a desire to be punched. I want a black eye, you see. My boyfriend won’t do it because he has this hang-up about “beating” his girlfriend. But he did give me permission to ask my best male friend if he would punch me. My friend said he would, if I got him drunk enough. But once he was drunk he couldn’t do it. Any suggestions for a girl who wants some satisfaction and a black eye? Makeup won’t cut it. —Just Punch Me
A: Too many black eyes, JPM, can give a girl brain damage. But if it turns you on, it turns you on. Since your boyfriend won’t go there and your best friend wimped out, why not give yourself a black eye? The ol’ battered-wife-covering-up-for-her-abuser excuse (“I walked into a door”) is a cliché, I realize, but it really works! (I walked into a door once and wound up with two black, bruised and swollen eyes.) So get yourself drunk, JPM, open all the doors in your house, and run from room to room with your eyes closed until — wham! — you get some satisfaction.
Q: I like to suck the snot out of my wife’s nose when we’re having sex. Is there a name for this “move”? —Taste O’ Phlegm
A: This “move” is called “mucophagy,” TOP, and here’s the skinny on your icky fetish from Brenda Love’s exhaustive and exhausting Encyclopedia of Unusual Sex Practices: “Consuming nasal mucosa is done as a matter of course in nasolingus. Others may engage in mucophagy because of the implied self-degradation, or simply the novelty of it. Like consumption of other body secretions, mucophagy can be used to demonstrate total acceptance and love of a partner.”
Q: I am a 23-year-old straight male. I’ve been with my girlfriend for nine months. I love her and share everything with her — almost. I have this gross kink. I like to be peed on. I really, really get off on it, though, and it would be so cool if she would do it to me. How do I bring up the subject without scaring her off? —All Dried Up
A: All successful kinky people, the folks who get to do their kinks, have something you currently lack, ADU — balls. Yes, it’s scary to tell someone you’re kinky. Yes, telling your girlfriend you want her to pee on you might scare her off. But if she’s not willing to pee on you, ADU, why not scare her off? You won’t be happy with her, a girl who won’t go there — and by “there” I mean “to the tub” — and if she’s too grossed out to squat over the man she loves and let it rip, well, then she’s not the girl for you, is she?
Q: I’m a young and attractive straight female. I have no problem meeting guys. However, I like to wear diapers. Ideally, I’d like to date a guy who likes diapers too. I’ve tried to meet diaper guys online and the results have been pretty abysmal — they were too far away or had a lame personality or were unemployed or old. Any tips on the best way to go about this? —Pamper Me
A: Considering the numbers of e-mails I get from guys with odd kinks they’d like to have indulged — guys like ADU, above — your best bet, PM, is to broaden your search. If you can find a guy whose fetish has an “eew” factor similar to your own — like, say, a guy into piss — then you should be able to make a deal: If piss guy indulges you, diaper girl will indulge him. Since there are way more piss guys out there than diaper guys, broadening your search to include piss guys might help you find one who isn’t too far away, lame, unemployed or old.
Q: After several gentle conversations I have finally gotten my fiance to share his fantasy with me. He wants to have sex on the top of a bunk bed. He says he likes the idea of a restricted space and our bodies being really close. We don’t own a bunk bed but I really want to make it come true for him. Do you have any ideas or suggestions? —Bride To Be
A: Your fiance wants to have sex in a “restricted space” with your bodies “really close.” So where and how were you having sex before his big confession? In the middle of a football field with you in one end zone and him in the other? I’m sorry, BTB, but your fiance is not into bunk-bed sex. He’s lying to you, dumbass. No one with a fantasy life that dull requires “several gentle conversations” to draw him out! There’s nothing in the least bit shameful, gross, freaky or repulsive about sex in a bed, bunk or otherwise. There’s only one conclusion we can draw from your boyfriend’s big confession — he’s hiding something. The first few times you engaged him in gentle conversation, he stalled and hemmed and hawed and you dropped the subject. If he didn’t have any fantasies, he would’ve said so. But he didn’t say that, did he? So he clearly has some fantasies, BTB, fantasies he was too ashamed to reveal. Then when it became clear that you wouldn’t stop pestering him until he told you something, he made something up. Something safe. Something innocuous. Something that wouldn’t scare you off. Something like, “I wanna have sex in a bunk bed.” Something that, if it were true, he would’ve told you during that first gentle conversation.
What your fiance really wants, BTB, is to be peed on or to suck the snot out of your nose or to blacken your eyes or to wear diapers. Or all at once. Or worse. But, hey, have sex in a bunk bed, if you think he’s telling you the truth. You can order a cheap one from Ikea and fuck on it until it falls apart — about three fucks should do it. But consider yourself warned: He’s hiding something, something big, and you might want to find out what it is before you marry bunk-bed boy.
Finally: The Supreme Court of Sex Toy Retailers issued a ruling in Katie vs. Dan two weeks ago. I planned on devoting an entire column to the ruling — and to the many letters, pro-Katie and con-Katie, that I received — but one of the judges leaked the ruling to Katie, and the decision has been up on her Web site (magicwand4katie.com) for more than a week. Katie is getting her damn vibrator — but not from me. The Supreme Court has decided to provide Katie with a Magic Wand themselves because they admire any woman willing to go after what she wants sexually. So let it never be said that blackmail and bad manners don’t pay. Much thanks to the Supremes: Claire Cavanah of Toys in Babeland in New York City and Seattle (www.babeland.com); Carol Queen of Good Vibrations in San Francisco (www.goodvibes. com); Ellen Barnard of A Woman’s Touch in Madison, Wisconsin (www.touchofawoman. com); Searah Deysach of Early to Bed in Chicago (www.early2bed.com); and Shelley Taylor of Venus Envy in Halifax, Nova Scotia, and Ottawa, Ontario (www.venusenvy.ns.ca).Contact Dan Savage at firstname.lastname@example.org