Q: I am 20 years old and my boyfriend is 30. He's been married three times and has six children from a variety of women. I know, I know — it sounds bad. But he's one of those guys who wanted a family. Anyway, long story short, I feel insecure because he has had a million experiences and I have not. So I asked him to take his porn off our computer. He did so.
When I came home today and sat at the computer, I noticed there was lubricant next to the keyboard. I thought to myself, "That's not where I saw you last." I looked at his folders (I know: violation of privacy) and I didn't see any porn. So I went to the Internet browser to look at the "history" and guess what? It had all been deleted. I know his computer is not set to automatic history clearance, so he had to clear it manually.
Can I be a bitch and ask him about this? "I noticed that you deleted your history — and what is the lube doing here?" Or should I let it drop? I know it's unrealistic to expect him never to masturbate. I just don't want him looking at other girls while he does. My bitchy side is just roaring to get out. Help! —Keep The Bitch Caged
A: What we have here, KTBC, is a failure to correctly diagnose the problem.
Why is this 30-year-old, thrice-married, six-times-a-father guy with you? Because men like your boyfriend prefer to date pathetic, inexperienced 20-year-olds because they're foolish enough — you are foolish enough — to swallow his bullshit ("I'm one of those guys who always wanted a family") and regurgitate it on cue ("He's one of those guys who always wanted a family"). Someone who wants a family doesn't start and destroy three of them before age 30. Those aren't the actions of an aspiring family man, little miss, those are the actions of a sociopath.
As for his masturbatory habits, KTBC, as I see it, the more of his supercharged spunk that winds up in dirty T-shirts and crusty socks, the better. Married three times, six kids by a variety of women, and a 20-year-old girlfriend who, due to her youth and inexperience, fails to see his marital and reproductive histories for the relationship-ending deal-breakers they ought to be, and who sends advice columnists letters about his porn use instead of, say, the most effective possible forms of birth control available to her: Once again, KTBC, the more of his spunk that winds up in the laundry, and not in you, the better.
Dump him. DTMFA. And find a new boyfriend — not one who never masturbates, as that man doesn't exist. All men masturbate (most women do, all should), all men look at porn (many women do, more should), and all women need to get over the porn and masturbation thing. If you want a male in your life who you can order never to look at porn or masturbate — if you want a male you can castrate — get a dog.
Q: Just before I married, I got a CB-2000 male chastity device and gave it to my wife as a joke Xmas present. She had previous mates fool around on her and I wanted to let her know I was serious.
We played with it some and a year later she got me a CB-3000. Soon she was keeping me in it for a week at a time. Now she keeps me in it for a month at a time. While I have adjusted to this, I miss being able to masturbate when I want to. I have tried to talk her into allowing me to be free again and she refuses. It's not that she's afraid I will fool around, but she believes that I'm more attentive, caring and loving when kept in this condition. Is it becoming more common for wives to keep their husbands in chastity? —Lost Over Cock Kept Erotically Denied
A: No, LOCKED, it's not. Unfortunately, bullshit letters are all too common.
So you bought an expensive male chastity device as a gag gift — those CB-2000s start at $150 — because, hey, there's nothing a woman with adultery issues wants more at Christmas than a gag gift that plays on her fears and insecurities. You must be a gas at funerals, LOCKED. And now your wife keeps your dick locked up for a month at a time. Against your will. And you're powerless to do anything about it.
If your wife keeps you in chastity — if you have a wife — it's because being locked up in a CB-3000 turns you on. Like most male chastity fetishists, you find the scenario more exciting if it's something your wife does to you, not something you have to beg the wife to do, but you can't expect the rest of us to play along. If you want to see your fetish discussed in Savage Love, just be honest. Send me a letter that says, "Write about the freaky shit that turns me on!" But don't make up some bullshit scenario.
Oh, and KTBC? You have options besides a castrated dog: Dump the motherfucker you're with, go to the message boards at malechastityforum.com, and you'll find guys whose ultimate fantasy is being with a woman so insecure, or so controlling, that she wants to keep his cock under lock and key.
Q: I am a 25-year-old gay man. I love sex. So does my boyfriend. The problem is that my boyfriend ejaculates prematurely when he bottoms. When he tops, he can hump me all day and it's awesome — but when I stick it in his ass, we only have about 60 seconds before he ejaculates. He does not jack off while he bottoms and I have never seen anything like it. The first time it happened, of course, I felt like a hot stud. After the fifth time, I was wishing the ride lasted longer. Sixty seconds just isn't enough time to fully enjoy the awesomeness that is butt sex. I asked him about it and he said that this quick splooge has always happened when he bottoms and he doesn't think there is anything he can do. (So much for feeling like a stud.)
Is there anything we can do to prolong the fuck? He never ejaculates so quickly otherwise. I am in love, he gives a great blow job, and I'll stay with him no matter what. But if you have any suggestions ... —Timed Out Man
A: Just one: After your boyfriend comes, leave your dick in his ass. Stop fucking, stay very still, and concentrate on keeping your erection. After a minute or two, once the boyfriend's orgasmic contractions have subsided, slowly start fucking him again. He'll have to breathe deep, concentrate on relaxing, and, yes, give it up for you, suffer a bit, take it like the bottom bitch he is (at that moment, not all the time), etc.
It's the only way you'll ever get to spend more than 60 seconds fucking his ass — he's got a hair-trigger (or cock-trigger) prostate, and always will. Your only option for a nice, long, leisurely fuck, TOM, is to keep fucking him after he comes, when the pleasure is drained — quite literally — out of the action for him.
Tits on the boyfriend? Tabasco on the clit? Tranny sacks? Check out readers' answers to those unanswerable questions.Download Savage Lovecast (my weekly Podcast) every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage. Send letters to firstname.lastname@example.org