BEST PLACE TO MEET MR./MS. RIGHT
BEST PLACE TO MEET MR./MS. WRONG
BEST ROMANTIC GIFT
BEST PLACE FOR A FIRST DATE
BEST DATE FLICK OF THE PAST YEAR
BEST CLASSIC DATE VIDEO
BEST PLACE TO PROFESS YOUR LOVE FOR SOMEONE
BEST PLACE TO PROPOSE
The Whitney, 4421 Woodward, Detroit, 313-832-5700
BEST ALTERNATIVE TO A CHURCH WEDDING
BEST MICHIGAN HONEYMOON DESTINATION
BEST ANNIVERSARY GETAWAY
BEST WAY TO SPICE UP YOUR SEX LIFE
Add another person
BEST TUNE TO SHAG BY
"Let’s Get it On," by Marvin Gaye
BEST PLACE TO CHEAT ON YOUR PARTNER
Don’t cheat! But for those who must, go out of town.
BEST WAY TO FORGET THE EX
Meet someone new
BEST PLACE TO GO ON A BLIND DATE
Movies or a coffeehouse
BEST WAY TO RUIN A DATE
Talk about your ex
BEST WAY TO DUMP A BAD DATE
Say you’re going to the bathroom, and then sneak out the back.
Viviano’s, 32050 Harper, St. Clair Shores, 810-293-0227
BEST JEWELRY STORE
Tapper’s, Orchard Mall, 6337 Orchard Lake Rd., West Bloomfield, 248-932-7700
BEST RESTAURANT FOR PLAYING FOOTSIE
TIE: Edmund’s Place, 69 Edmund, Detroit, 313-831-5757
La Dolce Vita, 17546 Woodward, Detroit, 313-865-0331
Twingo’s, 4710 Cass, Detroit, 313-832-3832
BEST PLACE FOR AN AFTERNOON DELIGHT
Outdoors (summer), at a hotel/motel (winter)
BEST TURN-ON (FOR GUYS)
BEST TURN-ON (FOR GALS)
Nice smell (be it clean or cologne)
BEST SPOT FOR OUTDOOR SEX (BESIDES BELLE ISLE)
On a rooftop
BEST WAY TO BRING UP THE SUBJECT OF SAFE SEX
Just be very direct.
BEST PLACE TO GET TREATMENT FOR STDS
Herman Kiefer Health Department
BEST NEW BABY NAME
Sarah or Michael
BEST NEW BABY NAME TO AVOID
Ashley, Britney, Chad or George
BEST PICK-UP LINE
5. Are you cold? ’Cuz you can have my pants.
4. So, do you live around here often?
3. Hey, baby, you make my liver quiver.
2. Can I buy you a drink?
BEST PICK-UP LINE TO AVOID
5. Prison really makes a fella desperate.
4. I lost my number, can I have yours?
3. Hey, baby, you make my liver quiver.
2. What’s your sign?
1. Do I know you?
BEST EUPHEMISM FOR BEING HORNY
5. The bacon strip is sizzling.
4. Testicularly fortuitous
3. Getting wiggy
2. Blood’s gone south
MOST ORIGINAL EUPHEMISM FOR MASTURBATION
5. Help yourself to the cookie jar
4. Rub one off
3. Spankin’ the monkey
2. Got a date with Miss Michigan
BEST HOME-COOKED MEAL FOR A DATE
3. Anything Italian
2. Order out and claim you made it
Goodbar gone bad
Best Place to Meet Mr./Ms. Wrong
We’ve all heard the song "Looking for Love in all the Wrong Places," and we’ve all done it on numerous occasions. Bars are great if you want to kick back and enjoy a few cold ones with your best pals; they’re also a great place to meet that person who will obliterate your fragile little heart, leaving you wallowing in despair on the grimy, beer-soaked floor of the very same place your love/lust was first born. OK, so take my authoritative advice: Don’t go looking for Prince Charming at the bar, because you’re just going to end up with a horny toad.
In addition to the fact that bars are the favored habitat of players, swingers, drama queens, sociopaths and codependents, you run the additional risk of tarnished judgement due to the effects of alcohol. Your normally shy, dignified self may not have the guts to approach that superfly hottie by the pool tables, but with the help of a little liquid courage, suddenly you are dashing, charming, debonair and bursting with sex appeal. Or at least you thought so at the time, until your friends point out the next morning that your slobbering, crude, and hokey pickup lines did not go over well — and then they taunt you with them ad nauseam for the subsequent year. Not to mention the undesirable effects of the infamous beer goggles (see Best Place to Find a One Night Stand: Rick’s for further detail).
So by all means, go out, dance, drink, be merry, be young, have fun. But when it comes to the eternal search for romance, stick with getting your best friend or your mom to fix you up. At least that way you can ask them to chip in for legal costs when you need to file a restraining order. —Sarah Klein
Best Spot For Outdoor Sex (Besides Belle Isle)
On a rooftop
Apparently the back seat of Dad’s Expedition isn’t as enticing as it used to be. Even the kitchen table doesn’t rock Detroit’s libido anymore. This year, the rough comfort of shingles is in season. That’s right: Rooftops are the locations of choice for steamy, unadulterated lovin’.
Ironically, the freezer burn of Michigan’s winter doesn’t provide the most temperate weather for sex in high places. So, I wonder, are snow pants and a ski jacket an ideal combination for lovers on the brink of passion?
Consider summer, instead. The sensation of the warm sun beating down on your naked body probably sounds more thrilling than battling frostbite on your third leg. During the smoldering heat of the season, anything goes — on any kind of roof, for that matter.
The mobile variety offers the easiest and most convenient access (just make sure you wash your car before the special night). And using your home helps avoid rigorous location scouting. Yet, unless you’re a quiet bunch, the neighbors — especially those who have little ones — may not appreciate the constant orgasmic zingers originating from the top of your house.
While on the subject of public nudity, why not attempt something more daring — a location that will surely enhance your sex life simply by factoring in the sheer danger of getting caught. I’m referring to the unparalleled thrill of skyscraper copulation. The Renaissance Center offers one of the highest vantage points (but the wind chill index is a bitch, so cover up with a blanket). Imagine the moment when Detroit police officers drag your naked bodies into custody, handcuffed and still burning with unrequited passion, while Chopper 4 hovers above for a heavenly shot — indeed, a truly unforgettable sexual exploit.
Well, on second thought, maybe you should stick with the back seat. —Jon M. Gibson
Reel ’em in
Best Pick-Up Line
So you’re minding your own business at the supermarket/at the restaurant/while waiting to meet with your parole officer. Suddenly, you’re swept away by a breathtaking vision of looks and charm. It’s your dream mate, standing right there, just waiting for you to come up and carry him or her away into blissful love and a life happily ever after. What do you say?
It’s a no-bullshit, honest approach, the best possible tactic. If the person is at all interested, they’ll respond — and if not, they will probably walk away and you can move on to your next innocent victim.
Obviously, you can’t simply end the conversation with "hi" and then slink off in an embarrassed silence, having used up all your best material. To keep the flow of your advances, follow up with a no-bullshit, honest question or compliment. Don’t tell her you like her dress when your eyes are anchored on her cleavage. Don’t say "Why, oh, yes, I love Sartre too!" when you haven’t the foggiest clue who or what Sartre is. And please, oh, please, do not bring out those old tired lines like "You father must be a thief, because he stole the stars …" or "That’s a great outfit. It would look even better crumpled on my floor tomorrow morning." At least be original. And don’t be crass: Although "Hey, baby, are you wearing Windex, because I can see myself in your pants" might conceivably win points for creativity, you’re more likely to end up with a scathing reply, or wearing someone’s vodka tonic as your hopeful intentions are thrown — literally — back in your face. —Sarah Klein
Know you? Don’t!
Best Pick-Up Line to Avoid
Do I know you?
Uttering the words "Do I know you?" is just begging for failure. It’s likely to be met with a stony glare, an icy "No!" and an upturned heel as the object of your interest quickly retreats to the other side of the room. —Sarah Klein