Arts & Culture » Culture

Love, lust, loss

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BEST PLACE TO MEET MR./MS. RIGHT

Church

BEST PLACE TO MEET MR./MS. WRONG

Any bar

BEST ROMANTIC GIFT

Flowers

BEST PLACE FOR A FIRST DATE

DIA

BEST DATE FLICK OF THE PAST YEAR

Chocolat

BEST CLASSIC DATE VIDEO

Casablanca

BEST PLACE TO PROFESS YOUR LOVE FOR SOMEONE

In bed

BEST PLACE TO PROPOSE

The Whitney, 4421 Woodward, Detroit, 313-832-5700

BEST ALTERNATIVE TO A CHURCH WEDDING

Las Vegas

BEST MICHIGAN HONEYMOON DESTINATION

Mackinac Island

BEST ANNIVERSARY GETAWAY

Mackinac Island

BEST WAY TO SPICE UP YOUR SEX LIFE

Add another person

BEST TUNE TO SHAG BY

"Let’s Get it On," by Marvin Gaye

BEST PLACE TO CHEAT ON YOUR PARTNER

Don’t cheat! But for those who must, go out of town.

BEST WAY TO FORGET THE EX

Meet someone new

BEST PLACE TO GO ON A BLIND DATE

Movies or a coffeehouse

BEST WAY TO RUIN A DATE

Talk about your ex

BEST WAY TO DUMP A BAD DATE

Say you’re going to the bathroom, and then sneak out the back.

BEST FLORIST

Viviano’s, 32050 Harper, St. Clair Shores, 810-293-0227

BEST JEWELRY STORE

Tapper’s, Orchard Mall, 6337 Orchard Lake Rd., West Bloomfield, 248-932-7700

BEST RESTAURANT FOR PLAYING FOOTSIE

TIE: Edmund’s Place, 69 Edmund, Detroit, 313-831-5757

La Dolce Vita, 17546 Woodward, Detroit, 313-865-0331

Twingo’s, 4710 Cass, Detroit, 313-832-3832

BEST PLACE FOR AN AFTERNOON DELIGHT

Outdoors (summer), at a hotel/motel (winter)

BEST APHRODISIAC

Alcohol

BEST TURN-ON (FOR GUYS)

Breasts

BEST TURN-ON (FOR GALS)

Nice smell (be it clean or cologne)

BEST SPOT FOR OUTDOOR SEX (BESIDES BELLE ISLE)

On a rooftop

BEST WAY TO BRING UP THE SUBJECT OF SAFE SEX

Just be very direct.

BEST PLACE TO GET TREATMENT FOR STDS

Herman Kiefer Health Department

BEST NEW BABY NAME

Sarah or Michael

BEST NEW BABY NAME TO AVOID

Ashley, Britney, Chad or George

BEST PICK-UP LINE

5. Are you cold? ’Cuz you can have my pants.

4. So, do you live around here often?

3. Hey, baby, you make my liver quiver.

2. Can I buy you a drink?

1. Hi.

BEST PICK-UP LINE TO AVOID

5. Prison really makes a fella desperate.

4. I lost my number, can I have yours?

3. Hey, baby, you make my liver quiver.

2. What’s your sign?

1. Do I know you?

BEST EUPHEMISM FOR BEING HORNY

5. The bacon strip is sizzling.

4. Testicularly fortuitous

3. Getting wiggy

2. Blood’s gone south

1. Randy

MOST ORIGINAL EUPHEMISM FOR MASTURBATION

5. Help yourself to the cookie jar

4. Rub one off

3. Spankin’ the monkey

2. Got a date with Miss Michigan

1. Self-congratulations

BEST HOME-COOKED MEAL FOR A DATE

3. Anything Italian

2. Order out and claim you made it

  1. Breakfast

Goodbar gone bad

Best Place to Meet Mr./Ms. Wrong

Any bar

We’ve all heard the song "Looking for Love in all the Wrong Places," and we’ve all done it on numerous occasions. Bars are great if you want to kick back and enjoy a few cold ones with your best pals; they’re also a great place to meet that person who will obliterate your fragile little heart, leaving you wallowing in despair on the grimy, beer-soaked floor of the very same place your love/lust was first born. OK, so take my authoritative advice: Don’t go looking for Prince Charming at the bar, because you’re just going to end up with a horny toad.

In addition to the fact that bars are the favored habitat of players, swingers, drama queens, sociopaths and codependents, you run the additional risk of tarnished judgement due to the effects of alcohol. Your normally shy, dignified self may not have the guts to approach that superfly hottie by the pool tables, but with the help of a little liquid courage, suddenly you are dashing, charming, debonair and bursting with sex appeal. Or at least you thought so at the time, until your friends point out the next morning that your slobbering, crude, and hokey pickup lines did not go over well — and then they taunt you with them ad nauseam for the subsequent year. Not to mention the undesirable effects of the infamous beer goggles (see Best Place to Find a One Night Stand: Rick’s for further detail).

So by all means, go out, dance, drink, be merry, be young, have fun. But when it comes to the eternal search for romance, stick with getting your best friend or your mom to fix you up. At least that way you can ask them to chip in for legal costs when you need to file a restraining order. —Sarah Klein

Shingle shuffle

Best Spot For Outdoor Sex (Besides Belle Isle)

On a rooftop

Apparently the back seat of Dad’s Expedition isn’t as enticing as it used to be. Even the kitchen table doesn’t rock Detroit’s libido anymore. This year, the rough comfort of shingles is in season. That’s right: Rooftops are the locations of choice for steamy, unadulterated lovin’.

Ironically, the freezer burn of Michigan’s winter doesn’t provide the most temperate weather for sex in high places. So, I wonder, are snow pants and a ski jacket an ideal combination for lovers on the brink of passion?

Consider summer, instead. The sensation of the warm sun beating down on your naked body probably sounds more thrilling than battling frostbite on your third leg. During the smoldering heat of the season, anything goes — on any kind of roof, for that matter.

The mobile variety offers the easiest and most convenient access (just make sure you wash your car before the special night). And using your home helps avoid rigorous location scouting. Yet, unless you’re a quiet bunch, the neighbors — especially those who have little ones — may not appreciate the constant orgasmic zingers originating from the top of your house.

While on the subject of public nudity, why not attempt something more daring — a location that will surely enhance your sex life simply by factoring in the sheer danger of getting caught. I’m referring to the unparalleled thrill of skyscraper copulation. The Renaissance Center offers one of the highest vantage points (but the wind chill index is a bitch, so cover up with a blanket). Imagine the moment when Detroit police officers drag your naked bodies into custody, handcuffed and still burning with unrequited passion, while Chopper 4 hovers above for a heavenly shot — indeed, a truly unforgettable sexual exploit.

Well, on second thought, maybe you should stick with the back seat. —Jon M. Gibson

Reel ’em in

Best Pick-Up Line

Hi

So you’re minding your own business at the supermarket/at the restaurant/while waiting to meet with your parole officer. Suddenly, you’re swept away by a breathtaking vision of looks and charm. It’s your dream mate, standing right there, just waiting for you to come up and carry him or her away into blissful love and a life happily ever after. What do you say?

Hi.

It’s a no-bullshit, honest approach, the best possible tactic. If the person is at all interested, they’ll respond — and if not, they will probably walk away and you can move on to your next innocent victim.

Obviously, you can’t simply end the conversation with "hi" and then slink off in an embarrassed silence, having used up all your best material. To keep the flow of your advances, follow up with a no-bullshit, honest question or compliment. Don’t tell her you like her dress when your eyes are anchored on her cleavage. Don’t say "Why, oh, yes, I love Sartre too!" when you haven’t the foggiest clue who or what Sartre is. And please, oh, please, do not bring out those old tired lines like "You father must be a thief, because he stole the stars …" or "That’s a great outfit. It would look even better crumpled on my floor tomorrow morning." At least be original. And don’t be crass: Although "Hey, baby, are you wearing Windex, because I can see myself in your pants" might conceivably win points for creativity, you’re more likely to end up with a scathing reply, or wearing someone’s vodka tonic as your hopeful intentions are thrown — literally — back in your face. —Sarah Klein

Know you? Don’t!

Best Pick-Up Line to Avoid

Do I know you?

Uttering the words "Do I know you?" is just begging for failure. It’s likely to be met with a stony glare, an icy "No!" and an upturned heel as the object of your interest quickly retreats to the other side of the room. —Sarah Klein

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