Q: My girlfriend and I have been on-and-off for almost two years. I took her back after she cheated on me. The only thing now is that she wants to have a threesome. I am really not down with sharing her, but I am willing to do it because otherwise some other girl will do it for her. I told her that I want to be stoned when it happens, because I don't think I can handle it sober. She got mad because she doesn't like drugs. Then what am I supposed to do? —Lesbian With One Real Dilemma
A: You're supposed to wake the fuck up already. You can be in a monogamous relationship with someone, LWORD, or you can be in a relationship with this woman — but you can't be in a monogamous relationship with this woman. She's already proven herself to be inept at this monogamy stuff; she cheated on you, you took her back, and now she's pressing you to bring in the occasional third. You may not be down with sharing her, LWORD, but she seems pretty intent on being shared.
Here's the question you should be asking yourself: Do you want this woman in your life badly enough to overcome your aversion to sharing? Agreeing to a three-way — so long as you're baked — doesn't count. A three-way involving a woman, her reluctant, resentful, self-medicating girlfriend and some innocent bystander is unlikely to 1) be very much fun for anyone involved (particularly your unlucky third) or 2) put an end to your girlfriend's desire for share time.
Your girlfriend is seeking to fold her desire to sleep with other women into the structure of your relationship: three-ways now, perhaps some degree of openness later. She gets points for being honest this time, but she loses points for being manipulative and controlling. (Fresh pussy for her, no pot for you? Please.) And if this three-way is a disaster and you refuse to have others — which may be the outcome you're subconsciously hoping for — I predict that your girlfriend will just go back to cheating on you.
So returning to my original point: If you want a girlfriend you don't have to share, find another girlfriend. If you want this girlfriend, learn to share.
And invest in a vaporizer.
Q: I recently read the novel A Melon for Ecstasy for an English class, and an interesting debate came up. The book is about a guy who is sexually attracted to trees and goes around drilling holes into trees so that he can "seal the deal." Though he feminizes the trees, he cares nothing about actual human females.
The debate was centered on this question: Is this man heterosexual? Or is he really gay? Is he having vaginal sex with a woman or anal sex with a man? Or something else entirely? —RF
A: If the male protagonist in A Melon for Ecstasy is having sexual intercourse with lady-trees — "feminized" trees — then the male protagonist is a true-blue, red-blooded, lady-tree-fucking straight boy, RF.
But it doesn't surprise me that a room full of mostly straight college students would seek to cast doubt on this character's heterosexuality. "Heterosexual" for many young people is practically synonymous with "normal." Introduce college-age straight kids to a not-so-normal heterosexual character, and they'll spend the rest of the afternoon searching for evidence that the dude is gay. He can't be straight — he's not normal! This explains the ability of some in your class to look at lady-tree fucking and see, of all things, "anal sex with a man." Isn't santorum bad enough? Do we have to worry about splinters now too? (Queer-studies kids who read homosexuality into obviously straight fictional characters are, for the record, just as annoying.)
Q: I have to disagree with your response to SHEESH, the guy who asked his Dom to show him that her dildo was clean. He is right and the Dom is wrong. Period. You should never let anybody stick anything into your body unless you know where it's been. Just because somebody is a bottom, he doesn't have to be reckless. This isn't about being uppity. This is about staying healthy.
So, bravo for Mr. SHEESH. —Critiquer
A: I was inclined to side with SHEESH, as I said in my response, until he indicated that his Dom, who had asked him not to contact her again, was a Savage Love reader. If SHEESH was using my column to get back at his Dom, well, how badly did he behave during his sessions with her? (And remember: We only had SHEESH's version of events to go on.) But like I said in my column: "[If] she is unwilling to pause, step out of her role, and renegotiate a scene that's already under way, SHEESH ... you are well rid of her." But most people thought my advice for SHEESH blew chunks ...
Q: Your response to sheesh belittles the rights of submissive men (myself included). Maybe this particular sub had a bit of an obsession with hygiene, and his mistress (let's not forget who is the employee here) asked him to leave her out of self-righteous pettiness. However, it does not even matter what actually happened because you have empowered dominant women to demand more and give less. —Unsatisfied Male Sub
A: Thanks for sharing, UMS, and I'm sure all the pro Doms out there appreciate the reminder about who the employee is. Moving on ...
Q: I don't know what pro Dom that idiot SHEESH is seeing, but all pro Doms worth their weight in latex use condoms over dildos. Always. This pro may have just not gotten around to throwing the condom on it, and she saw this as an opportunity to get rid of a bore. But shared toys always need a condom for everyone's protection. —S&M 101
A: Thankd for sharing, S&M 101...
Q: Thank you! I'm a professional Dominatrix in NYC, and I all but gave your response to SHEESH a standing ovation. I mean, really: Does he expect anyone to believe that she would just throw away a quality client for shits and giggles? In this economy? Gimme a break. He was obviously a douche.
After the recent legal-press issues that NYC pros have had to deal with, it was great to see someone have our back in print. First Barack Obama gets elected, and now Dan Savage shows pro Doms some love: Things are looking up!
—Anonymous Whip-Toting Flog-meister
A: Thanks for sharing AWTF. And speaking of Barack Obama, and in the spirit of dominance, I'm ordering everyone out there reading this to send a postcard to Obama, reminding him that 1) he made certain promises to the gay community during the campaign (repeal DOMA, scrap DADT) and 2) he needs to keep 'em. Send your postcard to:
President-elect Barack Obama
Presidential Transition Office
Kluczynski Federal Building
230 S. Dearborn St., 38th Floor
Chicago, IL 60604
Find more info at jointheimpact.com.Download Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage