The Peaceful Industrial Progress of the Great Nation of Iraq
Copyright © 2002 by Saddam Hussein.
All rights reserved.
Printed in Baghdad.
No part of this report may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission from the author.
"Permission"? Who the hell is he to make us beg for "permission"? Does he think he's Jonathan Franzen all of a sudden? If this is the kind of swaggering he's up to on Page One, I can hardly stand to look at the remaining 11,999.
D. Cheney, 12/9
The American President continues his drumbeat drone that Iraq is in pursuit of nuclear — or, if it praise his God, "nuke-ya-lar" — weapons. The gentle, Allah-loving citizens of Iraq know that nothing could be further from the truth. We are merely engaged in the cultivation of nuclear radioisotopes for medicinal, agricultural and industrial applications. (A full and complete breakdown is presented on the pages that follow.) These activities are totally sanctioned and accepted by the world at large, and constitute no violation of Iraq's international agreements. Further, the few ill effects of our limited nuclear program have been this country's alone to bear. When tarantulas as big as Humvees rampaged through downtown Baghdad last year, Washington was conspicuously silent on the subject of disaster relief.
Uncle Dick :
It is 'nucular', isn't it?
GW , 12/12
While we understand Mr. Bush's great, blood-curdling fear that the agents of chaos are about to rain down mass illness upon his country, he must accept our assurances that Iraq will not be a party to any such attacks. We have destroyed our entire inventory of anthrax, and the hundreds of mustard gas shells said to have gone missing within our borders were actually mislabeled Grey Poupon shells. We find that loading this delicious condiment into rockets facilitates rural distribution. We are, however, actively involved in the development of dextromethorphan, because a great many of our people are chronic cough sufferers.
Before we release this to the media, can we change "dextromethorphan" to "flesh-eating bacteria"?
It sounds a whole lot eviler.
K. Rove, 12.13
The Great Satan has even extended his persecution to our humble manufacturers of firearms, calling for a complete accounting of their capabilities. Let it be known throughout the globe that no rifle produced on Iraqi soil has ever exceeded the muzzle-loading technology that was the standard in the United States before the 1800's. The development of a breach-loading rifle, a tool of warfare that is commonplace almost everywhere else, is many years in Iraq's future. For now, we lack even the raw material that would be required to fashion such a breach.
Our makers of breeches categorically deny any contribution to the war effort.
By denying that he has the material to make breaches, Saddam is in material breach. Let's broach the subject ASAP.
D. Rumsfeld, 12/15
Return of the King
On September the twenty-first they set out together, Frodo on the pony that had borne him all the way from Minas Tirith, and was now called Strider; and Sam on his beloved Bill. It was a fair golden morning, and Sam did not ask where they were going: he thought he could guess.
In lieu of sharing any new and honest information, it appears that Saddam has padded the final section of his report by reprinting the last few chapters of J.R.R. Tolkien's The Lord of the Rings. He's crafty, I'll give him that: People just love that story. If we move now, we risk fostering public perception that an attack on Iraq is an attack on Gandalf. My office recommends that we wait until next spring, when the Matrix sequel has elbowed both LOTR and Saddam from the headlines.
T. Franks, 12/18 Steve Schneider writes for the Orlando Weekly, where this feature first appeared. Send comments to email@example.com