Q: Just out of curiosity, are you married yourself? Because if you are not, where do you get off telling married people how married sex should/could be? —Amy K.
A: Maybe you missed the reference to my boyfriend and the Finnish men’s swim team in last week’s column, Amy K., but I’m a huge homo. Which means, of course, that I can’t be married — at least not now, at least not in the United States. Allowing me to marry my boyfriend would imperil lasting, stable heterosexual marriages, like the one Britney Spears enjoyed for 55 hours earlier this month.
Still, I’ve been with the same guy for nine years now (78,840 hours so far, but who’s counting?); he stays at home and looks after our kid, and I go to work and sort through e-mail from freaks like you. We act pretty married for a couple of non-married threats to the sacred institution of marriage. Gay people can get married in Canada, despite the damage gay marriage does to lasting, stable heterosexual unions. Canadian pop star Celine Dion, to take one example, recently had to flee the country of her birth and take up residence in Las Vegas to save her marriage from marauding gay married couples in Toronto, Calgary, Halifax and Vancouver.
To get back to your question, Amy K., here’s where I get off: I’ve been with one person long enough to know what it takes to keep the sex interesting over the long haul (the Finnish men’s swim team, as it turns out), as well as how to fight about Visa bills and family visits and child rearing without giving in to the urge to strangle your partner to death with your bare hands. So I think I know from marriage, thanks, even if I’m not technically married myself.
Oh, and speaking of married people, lots of readers had advice for FMBC, the married woman who had the nerve to complain about her husband stroking his dick while he goes down on her. There are too many responses — and too many good responses — to run them all here, so I’m throwing them up on the Web. A selection of reader responses to FMBC can be found at www.metrotimes.com/FMBC.
Q: My husband recently confessed a fetish to me that has me concerned. Specifically, he wants me to have sex with other men, have them ejaculate inside me, and then he wants to go down on me. He doesn’t even want to watch; he just wants me to pick up a guy in a bar, fuck his brains out, and bring home the semen in my vagina for him to clean up. I’m pretty open-minded but I don’t want to put us at risk for an STD, nor do I understand why he would want to share me with some stranger. He claims it’s the whole humiliation thing that gets him going. I love him but I’m not sure how to proceed. —Hubby’s Ho
A: After ordering my readers, married or not, to be "good, giving, and game" in the sack, lots of non-good, non-giving, and non-game readers angrily inquired as to whether or not there was anything I wouldn’t order someone to do for his or her kinky partner.
And that brings us to your letter, HH. While I think people should be GGG in the sack, I didn’t say "game for anything." There are things that fall under the AFTF label — "a fetish too far" — and your husband’s sudden desire to eat some strange man’s come out of your pussy is definitely AFTF. You are under no obligation to risk contracting an STD to indulge your husband, HH. Your husband also can’t ask you to risk picking up some stranger in a bar who, for all you know, might turn out to be a nutty, diseased, violent asshole.
No, the only way for you to indulge your husband in this fantasy safely — provided your only objection is safety — would be for you to have sex with someone you both know and trust, a man you’re comfortable with and whom you find attractive. This man would have to be told what’s going on, for his own emotional safety; it would be unethical to take advantage of a man who has a thing for you if you’re only fucking him to please your husband. Letting the other man know what’s going on will require exposing your husband’s kinky secret to a friend or mutual acquaintance, something your husband might not be up for. But if he wants to realize this fantasy, HH, then your husband will have to assume some of the risk too — namely, the risk of being exposed. But if he’s into this for the humiliation, well, he can’t really object to the other man knowing what a dirty, submissive little freak you’ve got for a husband, can he?
And now, to avoid giving the impression that everyone out there with an unfulfilled fantasy is a frustrated husband, a letter from a woman frustrated by her boring-in-bed partner:
Q: I love my boyfriend but he’s pretty conservative. I can understand that he doesn’t want to fuck in fitting rooms or truck stops or any of the non-bedroom places I suggest, but it’s taking more and more to get me turned on when we do the same old thing every time. The only time we do it is at the end of the day, when there’s an appropriate time and place and a bed. We make out for a while and then he asks me if I want to get on top or if I want him to. I’m young and I want to experiment while I’m still energetic and limber. I’m not saying I want him to piss on me or strangle me, Dan. I love this guy and I just want to get excited about fucking him again. Suggestions? —Yawning in Bed
P.S. — Please don’t tell me to get a new boyfriend. In every other respect, he is caring and sensitive. He’s just insecure and I can’t break down that wall.
A: And you’ll never break down that wall, YIB, so long as you’re willing to consent again and again to sex that bores you. And, I’m sorry, but how caring is your boyfriend if he doesn’t care that you’re unhappy? And isn’t it somewhat insensitive of him to keep asking you to engage in sex that he knows damn well leaves you feeling frustrated? Per your request, YIB, I’m not going to tell you to break up with him. But I am going to order you to (1) contemplate your fate if you don’t do something about this now, and (2) stop going through the motions.
If you’re not willing to present this problem to him as a potential deal-breaker — by putting the future of the relationship on the table — he’s not going to be as motivated to change as he could be. Short of telling him the relationship might end, you will have to tell your boyfriend that you’re bored and that you’re simply unwilling to put up with the routine anymore. No more sex in bed until — at the very least! — you’ve had sex in some other places and positions. Absent these other sexual adventures — sex in fitting rooms, truck stops, etc. — the sex you’re having in your bedroom only rubs your nose in the stifling limits that he’s placed on your sexuality. Tell him that you either work on solving this problem together or … well, since you don’t want to break up with him, YIB, just let your voice trail off. Hopefully he’ll get the message and drag your ass to the nearest truck stop posthaste. Send comments or letters to firstname.lastname@example.org