Q: A friend of mine is setting up a Web site with some of her friends for feminist (mostly queer) porn. Im straight, and she asked me if I wanted to be in it, with or without my boyfriend of two years. After clarifying that I wouldnt be making porn with people I didnt want to do it with, and that I like it a lot rougher than would be traditionally considered feminist, she said that anything I wanted to do was fine.
I discussed this with my boyfriend, and hes more than willing to do it but he said that its my decision. Ive taken a lot of naked-sexual-whatever pictures of myself for him, and Im not particularly self-conscious about being photographed naked or even in sexual situations. I certainly enjoy my fair share of porn, and Im not averse to giving back to the genre. I also think the risk that someone would stumble across a predominantly lesbian porn site and associate me in everyday life with some girl with a nipple ring getting face fucked is slim to none.
Despite all this rationalization, I still feel uneasy. I am 20 years old and have no intention of running for public office, so if theres any time to do something like being in porn, its now. However, I still feel like something as permanent as pictures taken by other people for other people will end up where I dont want them to be. I dont feel like my friend and boyfriend are pressuring me to be on the site, but I do feel that since they have no issues with making porn for public consumption theres some repression that is holding me back. Or maybe theyre the ones being ridiculous and Im being sensible. What do you think? Pondering Over Revealing Nudity
A: I think you should shut the fuck up, thats what I think. Blah blah fuckin blah! By the time you finish talking about whether or not youre gonna splash your tits all over your friends feminist/mostly queer porn site, youre going to be so old that no one is going to want to see your tits.
Its abundantly clear that youre not comfortable with the idea of doing porn, PORN, and your reasons are rock solid. Pictures are permanent; lesbian action fans, most of them straight men, will find their way to your friends porn site; your pictures will end up on dozens or hundreds of other Web sites. So dont do porn! Save those naked photos for your boyfriend, drop the whole tortured undergrad routine, and go back to being one of the tens of millions of anonymous porn consumers out there.
And finally, kiddo, consuming porn doesnt obligate a person to give back to the genre and thank God for that. If everyone who consumed porn gave back we would have to wade through mountains of porn featuring pudgy, middle-age guys before we found anything even remotely hot. Eesh.
Q: I broke up with this woman recently because I couldnt stand to kiss her. I couldnt stand for her to stick her tongue in my mouth because her saliva had a bad taste. Saliva is supposed to be tasteless and odorless. I know why this womans saliva had a bad taste. She had bacteria in her mouth, a lot of it, due to bad oral hygiene.
I will not date, kiss or make love to a woman who does not take care of her mouth! Call me anal, but I brush at least twice a day, I floss at least once a day, and I use a mouthwash at least twice a day. Kissing somebody is more intimate than fucking, and its not pleasant if your partner has smelly spit. I brought this up to her as delicately as I could, but she got pissy and defensive about it, so I broke up with her. I dont want some womans smelly, bacteria-laden tongue in my mouth. Yuck. Right or wrong? Only Rinsers Allowed, Ladies
A: Right, I suppose. You arent required to kiss anyone whose oral hygiene doesnt entirely meet with your high standards, ORAL, and if a womans failure to brush twice a day, floss at least once a day and use mouthwash is a deal-breaker for you, then its a deal-breaker for you. I dont see how my opinion matters much. I would, however, challenge you on one thing: Saliva is not tasteless and odorless. People, like soda pop, come in all sorts of flavors. If youre holding out for a woman whose saliva tastes like bottled water, ORAL, youre going to be one lonely dude.
Q: As someone working in the mental health field, I cant tell you how impressed I was with your response to Wrapped Up. You will recall the obviously troubled young woman who weighs 103 pounds and who is repulsed by the sight of her own body. I was impressed not so much by your sensitivity to the boyfriends want of an entirely naked love object as much as I was astounded by your cruelty to this woman. You called her a nut case, remember?
A mere glance at a body mass index chart will tell you that she quite probably suffers from anorexia nervosa, and her extremely negative perception of her own body possibly qualifies as body dysmorphic disorder. Just so you know, these are two very complicated and potentially life-threatening mental illnesses. I have no idea why this person sought you out for the help she needs. After all, youre a homosexual. Until 1973 homosexuals were considered nut cases, according to the Diagnostic & Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. Prior to 1973, sex columnists such as yourself not bound, apparently, by any code of ethics whatsoever could have referred to you as a nut case simply for being gay. Technically you are no longer a nut case, but I can call you a dipshit. There now. How did that feel? Psychiatric Social Worker
A: Eh. Ive been called worse. But lets not dwell on our disagreements, PSW, lets focus on our shared professional assessment of Wrapped Up: That nut case has problems, we both agree, which is why I advised her to get her ass to a shrink already. I did not simply call her a nut case and leave it at that. This nut case needs help, and I told her to go get help. And, yes, I called her a nut case, PSW, but sometimes a nut case needs to be told theyre nuts before theyll go and get help. Some nut cases need a kick in the ass, PSW, and not some mewling pussy excuse me, someone working in the mental health field drooling empathy all over their laps.
I am glad you wrote in, however, as your letter gives me an opportunity to remind the handful of empathetic sissies among my readers of something important: The people who send me letters read my column. Ka-duh. They know that my advice doesnt come pre-masticated. If I were swiping Carolyn Haxs mail, or Amy Dickinsons, and beating the shit out of people who werent seeking my advice, well, then youd have a beef. But people who write me? They know what Im like, dumbfucks.
As for the qualifications issue, this is an advice column. When you look up advice in the dictionary it says, Opinion about what could or should be done. The only qualification you need to give advice is having been asked for it. If WU wanted to ask some useless, prissy clenchbutt for his opinion, then she could have asked someone working in the mental health field what he thought. She didnt, though. She asked me.
Dan Savages new book, The Commitment: Love, Sex, Marriage and My Family, goes on sale Sept. 22.Send letters to firstname.lastname@example.org