The Lions are cursed. It's the only way to explain their miserable record these last 57 years. It's the only explanation that helps fans cope with their team's inability to bring home a Super Bowl trophy and a set of big, clunky rings. It's not bad coaching, it's not bad players, it isn't even bad ownership. It's a curse, godamnit, and we're going to break it.
And it's not just one curse that plagues the Lions. In fact, it's two. There's the curse of Bobby Layne, the scorned quarterback who played with the Lions for nearly a decade. He took the team to three NFL championships, but was later traded to Pittsburgh after an injury. After the trade, he reportedly said the Lions wouldn't win for 50 years. They didn't win, and even though those 50 years were up in 2008, they still haven't won. We waited out Bobby's curse, but it seems like the Lions and their fans still haven't escaped it.
Perhaps their continuously losing record is due to the second, lesser-known curse. Though details are hazy, the curse purportedly surrounds the Lions '70s quarterback Greg Landry and the length of his given name. Reportedly, anytime the Lions have a QB with a four-letter first name, they just can't win. Then again, quarterbacks Rodney Peete, Rusty Hilger, Chuck Long, and Charlie Batch didn't have much luck either. While Matthew Stafford's name is technically seven letters long, one can argue that his nickname is enough to keep the curse intact.
With that in mind, here are nine ways to repel, reverse, and break the curse:
Induce fan euphoria. It's said that beating a team's greatest rival can reverse a curse, but the Lions have no such enemy. Therefore, another energy booster is needed. Perhaps sanctioning the Detroit Pride Cheerleaders will help increase morale.
Perform a smudging ritual by burning sage to cleanse the stadium.
Have players consecrate and ritually charge talismans made of lucky socks, underwear, and jock straps to be worn during the game. They'll help repel the curse.
Bury an Aaron Hernandez jersey under the visiting team's bench.
Have the Pope visit and give a mass blessing. Burn frankincense before he visits.
Have tailgaters march counter-clockwise around Ford Field during home games chanting, "It is finished! We are champions!"
Have players wash their hands with dirt over the field while saying, "Soil and mud, and earth and dirt, remove this curse that's caused us hurt!"
Hire a quarterback named Tim, Tom, Joe, Peyton, or Eli.
Have Kevyn Orr seize control of the team and count them as a city asset. Sell the team to Mark Cuban. — mt