Q: I'm a gay man in a relationship for two years. I would say that we are in love. Love in the sense of the emotional kind of love and not so much in terms of the sexual. I do think of him as my husband and we had a commitment ceremony. We want to start a family and have started to look into adoption.
The one problem we have is that we have sex only once a month. We are both sexual people and honestly I can't say why we are having these issues. We can talk about anything except for this. When I try to talk about it, my partner gets defensive. Perhaps we should have an open relationship, but that doesn't seem appealing, and I think we would both be jealous if we decided to do that. Finally, I do not want to cheat on him as I don't agree with being dishonest.
Do you have any suggestions, O Wise and Mouthy One? Loved But Sexually Deprived
A: Just one: Don't you dare adopt until both of the problems in your relationship are resolved, LBSD. You may think you only have one, but I see two big, glaring problems: your crap sex life and your inability to communicate about it. If you boys can't communicate about your sex life now, how on earth are you going to communicate about it not to mention all the other shit that comes with parenting once you've adopted?
Also, LBSD, if you think you're frustrated now, take the amount of sex you're currently having, divide that number by 10, and that's the amount of sex you're likely to have after you become parents. I say "likely" because it doesn't have to be that way parents can have great sex lives (ahem), but they do have to make an effort, and your partner doesn't sound like the effort-making type. As far as open relationships go, setting aside the advisability of new parents screwing around, there's the little matter of logistics. Most new parents don't have time to sleep, much less time to sleep around. As solutions to sexual deprivation go, "We'll just fuck other people!" isn't practical for new parents.
If your sex life isn't functional, LBSD, then your relationship isn't ready for the stressfest-shitstorm that is parenting. I'm not saying once a month can't be functional for some folks, once a month is plenty. But your sex life isn't functional because 1) once a month isn't enough for you, and 2) you guys can't talk about it and therefore can't resolve it. So you're going to have to press the issue, LBSD, and force the boyfriend to talk about it and all discussion of adoption should cease until you solve these problems.
Q: I'm a 32-year-old woman, married for more than seven years, and I have slept with three men and one woman since marrying my husband. Not long ago I made a commitment to loyalty (I know, big of me), and so far it's working. But recently a mutual friend cheated on her husband and the truth came out. This incident has unleashed guilt galore in me.
Question: Do I continue to try like hell to forget about my promiscuities, knowing that I'm with the person I love and that it would devastate his world if he knew? Or should he know? I think ultimately we'd make it work and stay together, but he'd be crushed. My instinct is to live with the guilt and focus on the positive change for the better. Spouse Lacks Ultimate Truth
A: Trust your gut on this your lying, cheating gut and keep your mouth shut. While honesty gets all the good press, no marriage would survive long without lies great and small. Continue to protect your husband from the truth, and strive to be the woman you've duped your husband into believing that you are.
Q: I am a straight woman who likes getting fucked in the ass. My boyfriend enjoys fucking my ass, so it works out well. Also, my boyfriend and I are both clean, so we don't have to worry about STDs and I prefer sex without condoms. Who doesn't? My problem is this: After he shoots a big load of come in my ass, it leaks back out for the rest of the day along with other, less appetizing substances. It makes quite a mess in my pants, smells bad, and is uncomfortable. I never hear gay men complain about this and don't tell me it's because they're all so busy practicing safe sex.
Is there anything I can do to avoid this situation short of using a condom? Is there some trick that I'm not aware of? Some gay man's secret for taking a big load of come in the ass? Love The Come, Hate The Mess
A: Anal-sex prep is hashed over in skanky and mainstream sex-advice columns alike: proper hygiene, lengthy foreplay and, for the peggers out there, the procurement of strap-ons. But scant attention is paid to the post-anal-sex issues, like the proper disposal of lube, semen and santorum. Why? Because semen, lube and santorum disposal reminds us of the asshole's primary function, and so sex advisers tend to gloss over ASP issues. But, at your request, here's the ancient gay-boy secret: After your boyfriend comes in your ass, LTCHTM, pull your ass off his dick and plop it down on the toilet. Bring a magazine. Then crap it out crap it all out. Come and lube and santorum that aren't left in your ass can't leak out and soil your undies the next day.
Q: Hello, Mr. Savage. Could you please tell me what GFE stands for? Thank you. Obtuse And Flummoxed
A: GFE stands for "Google Fucking Exists," OAF.
It doesn't stand for that, of course, but it should. Because if you had taken the time to type GFE into Google which takes, oh, about 1/1000th of a second you wouldn't have to ask me what GFE stands for: The very first result is titled "What GFE (Girlfriend Experience) Means to Me in Sexwork." GFE = girlfriend experience, which means the sex worker will, for money, treat you nicely, kiss, cuddle, etc. (Perhaps the acronym should be BNGFE, for "brand-new girlfriend experience.")
Gentle Readers: If you have the ability to send me an e-mail, you have the ability to do a Google search all by your lonesome. What's a Hot Karl? What does CBT stand for? What's a Louisville Plugger? All fine questions, all questions that you might have needed to pose to a sex-advice columnist before Internet search engines came along. But nowadays? Google fucking exists, folks, and you should use it.
Q: I'm a newly lactating woman who would like to recoup some of the many expenses associated with having a child. I'm wondering if there are places that sell human breast milk to fetishists (I'm sure they're out there). I looked online but couldn't find anything. Also, is there any reason I'd be arrested for doing this? Capitalist Mom
A: Farmers have been arrested for selling raw cow's milk well, not arrested, but hassled so I'm guessing it's illegal to buy and sell raw human breast milk. But there's definitely a fetish for, and therefore a market for, human breast milk. If there's an organized underground market for human breast milk, someone out there reading this must know about it. Spill!Send letters to firstname.lastname@example.org