Q: Please tell women that low-rise jeans only look good on a handful of people. Whenever I go out, all I see is “girl love handles” (GLH) hanging over low-rise jeans. FOR THE LOVE OF HUMANITY, DAN! Someone needs to tell women who are overweight, tubby, fat or just not properly proportioned to STOP wearing jeans that show off or create rolls! Just today I saw a girl who would have been attractive had it not been for her damn low-rise jeans. GLH are never sexy, ladies! It’s revolting. No one wants to see fat rolls hanging over the tops of jeans or bulging out from under belly shirts! Seriously, women, there really are only a select few of you who look good in these jeans. If you don’t have the body for it (and if you have to think about it — even for an instant — you don’t!), DO NOT WEAR LOW-RISE JEANS! —Butter with Your Rolls
A: I’m opening this week’s rather random, slightly scattered column (damn medical marijuana!) with your letter, BWYR, because I happen to agree with you 100 percent. Just between you and me and everyone else, I simply can’t believe we’re headed for a third summer of low-rise jeans, high-rise shirts and overflowing GLH. Low-rise is not a fashion statement we Americans should be making just now, what with our skyrocketing rates of obesity. If North Americans want to flounce around in belly-and-backside-exposing pants — and apparently we do — we should get the obesity epidemic under control first.
Q: I have been married for two years. I wouldn’t say I am “in love” with my husband, but I do appreciate him as a person and would never do anything to hurt him. But I have no desire to have sex with him. The only way I can go through it is if he doesn’t say a word so I can pretend he is someone else. I think I am losing it. I lust after almost every guy I see. I really want to make this marriage work since we have year-old twin daughters. But I don’t know if I can go the rest of my life without sex. We are currently in marriage counseling and I am in therapy for a rape from my teen years, and this has not helped so far. Do you have any advice? Any thoughts? —Anyone but My Husband
A: Since I can only assume you’re getting tons of useful professional advice already, ABMH, I’ll just share my thoughts with you. (I’m also going to assume that your marriage counselor and therapist have already raised the possibility that you’re suffering from postpartum depression — thanks to the twins — and/or post-traumatic stress — thanks to the rape — and that you’ve already been told that, with enough time, meds and therapy, you may start finding your husband attractive again.)
If you “appreciate” a guy as a person so much that you “would never do anything to hurt him,” ABMH, then don’t marry him if you find him physically repulsive. It’s too late for that, of course, as you’ve already gone and married this guy — and had kids too, just to make a shitty situation almost unbearably depressing. In your shoes, ABMH, I think I would give my counselor and therapist some time to work me over before I did anything rash, like, say, file for a divorce. But if things didn’t improve in 10 or 20 years, I would definitely call a lawyer.
Q: Rarely does anything in your column apply to my sex life. Until this week. My new boyfriend and I were getting along famously. We have similar sexual interests — mine being WS and domination, his being S&M. Well, come to find out, he is also into infantilism. Well, I am not at all freaked out by it; I even tried diapering him. But it just seemed rather silly. What is your advice for someone who is willing to indulge a fetish, but can’t resist the urge to internally giggle when engaging in said fetish?
I am sure there are other women who find the sight of their strapping lads in a diaper or, say, panties and a bra hilarious, and don’t want to be mean about it. Any advice for us? —Laughing at My Baby
A: You’re doing everything right, LAMB. You’re GGG (that’s Good, Giving and Game, new readers), indulging your partner in his fetish, and your giggles are all internal. So you’re not laughing in his face, thereby causing him to regret trusting you with this sensitive info. So good on you, LAMB. And rest assured: The sight of your boyfriend in diapers will stop inducing internal giggles once you get used to it, once it’s just another part of your sex life and not some new, thrilling, freaky indulgence. People, as they say, can get used to anything — even the sight of a grown man with a boner in a diaper.
Q: I’m sure you’re already getting piles of hate mail for DEPART, the man who helps his “total stud” of a roommate scare off one-night stands, but I just wanted to take a minute to answer his question as to the actual potential legal consequences of his foot-wide, shit-smeared asshole conduct: If any girl was smart enough to talk to a cop about this, she might actually be able to get this asshat charged with second-degree criminal sexual conduct. This crime carries 25 years max, although DEPART obviously wouldn’t be up for quite that much. Better yet, a decent lawyer should be able to help any of their victims extract some cash from both assholes for battery and/or intentional infliction of emotional distress. Also, DEPART: Isn’t idolizing your “total stud” of a roommate to the point that you’re hiding out under his bed listening to him fuck just a little … oh, I don’t know … GAY? —Amicus Curiae
A: Thanks for sharing, AC.
Q: How many straight guys you know HELP other men get laid? NONE. Straight men will not even help their best friends get laid. In fact, they will bang their best friend’s wife/girlfriend at the first opportunity. Also, females are not Yorkshire terriers. When a hand grabs us from underneath a bed, we do not yap and run in circles or flee. Like men, we say, “What the fuck?” Followed by, “Who the fuck are you?” DEPART’s letter has got to be fake! What man would admit to lying under a bed for hours waiting for his roommate to bring home a girl, listening to them fuck, just so he can grab her leg, all to save his roommate the inconvenience of caller ID? —Unconvinced Cathy
A: It did occur to me that DEPART’s letter might be bullshit, UC. So why did I run it? On the off chance that it wasn’t. On the “freaky/unlikely” scale, one guy hiding under another’s bed while the second guy fucks a strange woman falls well within the “plausible” zone. I get letters every day about stuff like this that are freakier, scarier and much more fucked up. And if DEPART’s letter was real, I wanted not so much to reach him with my advice, but any woman unlucky enough to find herself in his roommate’s bed. I look at it like this: If the letter was fake, well, no harm done. But if it was real, DEPART and his roommate might find themselves in a shitload of legal trouble or, if the next lucky woman has a gun on her, they might find themselves yapping and running in circles.Send letters to firstname.lastname@example.org