Dear readers: I regard this column as a sacred tryst. Your faith in my counsel and willingness to take me into your confidence moves and humbles me on a daily basis, and the seriousness with which I approach my chosen profession would normally prevent me from turning your letters over to a bunch of unruly drunks in a bar. But word somehow got around the bar where I retired to write this week's column, and the assembled drunks insisted that they be allowed to share their hard-earned wisdom with you. So I printed out a few of your letters on the bar's office printer — with names, e-mail addresses, and identifying details removed — and passed them around with pens and legal pads.
The American Heritage Dictionary defines "advice" as "an opinion about what could or should be done," and opinions, as St. Paul famously observed, are like assholes: Everyone's got one (Esophagans 14:20). Please note that I don't endorse all of the asshole opinions below — particularly when murder is recommended — and rest assured that I will be drinking/writing/drinking elsewhere from now on.
Q: My wife and I have been married for eight months, and I love her very much. However, we don't have sex much, maybe three times a month. We've seen a therapist a few times, and it hasn't changed anything. I still love her, but my needs haven't been met and I'm frustrated. Due to my frustration, I posted an ad on Craigslist—not to cheat but to just get some erotic interaction via the Web. I only sent a few pictures back and forth. However, my wife found the e-mails. I apologized and said I never wanted to be with anyone but her, but that I just wanted to feel like I was desired. My wife has asked me to move out for a while, which I did.
Are we effed? I know what I did was horrible, but I want to make this marriage work. I love her, and I don't want this to end it. —Confused In Salt Lake
"Since you live in Salt Lake, I'm going to assume that you didn't have sex with your wife before you got marriaged [hic], and so it turns out that you and your wife are incompatible. Next time, try the milk before you buy the cow."
"A lot of men make the mistake of initiating sex by just being like, 'Hey, let's fuck.' Try this: Rub her shoulders, offer to make her a bath, give her a foot massage. Then eat her out, but don't ask for anything. Do this for two weeks. Show her that you want her to enjoy sex. If it doesn't work, sorry, you're fucked."
"You have four separate problems that are now, through the magic of synergy, combined into one big one: Your wife's not into sex, you live in Utah, your wife made you move out, and you're using Craigslist (what the fuck?). Time for some radical honesty: Tell her exactly how you feel and what you want. Insist she do the same. Don't censor. This will either finish burning your marriage to the ground or maybe — maybe — allow you to start dealing with each other like adults."
"Hey, Mormon Dumbfuck: She asked you to move out. It's already over! Hello?!?"
Q: I have a submissive side. My first dominant girlfriend would face-sit me for an hour; after she climaxed, she would ride me until she climaxed multiple times, and only then would she let me climax. Eventually we were doing cunnilingus after intercourse, but when she suggested it might be fun to add "more sauce" to the mix — bring another man into our play, and this other man's ejaculate — I dumped her. A similar thing happened in my next relationship. Do all dominant women think all male submissives are interested in bisexual behavior and being a cuckold?
There is a BDSM group in Washington, D.C., but the cohort for under-35s is tiny (I am under 30), and it's nothing but fat women. I don't want to pay, I work out, I have a salary, and I eat my lunch every day. I don't need to be looked after. I am totally self-reliant, but I nevertheless want to be completely dominated by a woman. If the right woman came along now, I would marry her and make her very happy.
Should I be more patient and let her find me, or should I find ways to put out more openly that I am a submissive? —Where Are The Monogamous Dominant Women?
"Where are your social skills, douchebag?"
"You sound like a dick. Only sex your way or you dump them? WTF? Try meeting someone you like and slowly introduce the dom/sub stuff. Right now you are so demanding with your fantasies but unwilling to fulfill someone else's. That's a dick move."
"When I got to 'I have a salary and I eat my lunch,' I stopped reading."
"There is nothing less attractive than a 'sub' screaming, 'Top me, Mistress—but not if you're too fat or too poly or too old or if you actually have fantasies of your own or if you're going to order me to do something I don't want to do.' That's why you're not getting any action, dummy."
"You suck. The end."
Q: My partner and I are in our mid-20s and have been together since our teens. We have similar interests and compatible lifestyles. We make an awesome pair. Unfortunately, we are not sexually compatible. Over time we've grown closer regarding most things, except for sex. I've come to realize that I'm kinky and nonmonogamous. My partner is decidedly not kinky, though she has said that if I slept with others she would never want to know. That leaves a door slightly open.
I love her and am committed to the relationship, but I need some kink to be happy, and my outing myself as kinky has led to a steady deterioration in our vanilla sex life. Is it fair to put her on notice that I'll be kinking out as opportunities arise and deal with the fallout as we go? —Seeking Orderly Solution
"She said she would 'never want to know.' That is not an open door. That's a double-shielded blast door with padlocks and a sign on it that says, 'Don't even think about it, motherfucker.'"
"Putting her 'on notice' sounds kind of assholish. Have the big, awful, stomach-clenching talk about your future. It's not fair to either of you for you to have to stay monogamous and be unhappy. You need to figure this out."
"Let her know that you are going to do it if the opportunity arises, but assure her that you're just looking to satisfy your kink. Be sure to respect her desire not to know, but always be ready to divulge if she changes her mind. If you want the relationship to work, you need to be 'allowing.'"
"You'll be unhappy for a few years if you leave her, but you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life if you stay."
"WTF? Get rid of the shit. I'm not talking about 'leaving' her. She's likely to have some of your secrets. Kill her. Everything you need is at a convenience store: shovel, lime, rope, large garbage bags, sympathy card for the family."
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Thanks for the input and insight, assembled drunks. And for the record: Murder is wrong. Dump her, SOS, don't kill her.