Q: I would like to pass on a message to FMBC, from one breeder chick to another: Quit your insecure, pathetic sniveling, you waste of carbon, and go apologize to your husband for whining about him in a public forum. The only problem I see is that FMBC is incapable of appreciating her husband’s generosity in bed. And that line about the act of giving pleasure being pleasurable in and of itself is such a double standard. I’m willing to bet that she never got pleasure by pleasing her husband without having her clit stimulated. Why should he be expected to take pleasure without physically stimulating himself as well? —Breeder Chick Sick of Whining Breeder Chicks
Q: This is in response to FMBC, who felt rejected because her husband jacks off while going down on her. I wonder if she has any concept at all of how a penis works. If I’m engaged in any type of sexual activity and I’m into it, I’ll want to be sure my dick is getting the maximum benefit as well. I may not have an erection when I start, but I’ll make sure for myself that I get one as we go on.
Or, hey, she can leave her husband and tell the judge her grounds for divorce are her husband’s efforts to give her an orgasm. —Masturbates During Sex
Q: Dear FMBC: I am astounded. You are married to a man who is willing to give you what most consider the most unselfish form of pleasure, and you’re whining that he is pleasuring himself as well? Why not revel in the knowledge that you’re both enjoying the experience? And have you considered perhaps pleasuring him in some manner while he’s being so kind as to eat you out?
As for his apparent shoe and/or foot fetish, use it to your advantage! If you could be open-minded about his interests, you could have on your hands a man who would give you a foot massage every night and condones shoe shopping. Hello?! —Astounded and Floored
Q: I’d like to comment regarding the letter from the woman (Frustrated Midwestern Breeder Chick) who was "rejected" because her husband strokes himself while giving her oral pleasures, and your response.
I think you were on the money with your commentary about the "work" that orally pleasuring someone can be. For me, when I first get started on eating my wife, I am typically as hard as Chinese algebra — it’s the anticipation, it’s seeing her pussy, it’s her smell, it’s knowing she will be stuck to the ceiling in a few minutes, etc. But, like what you stated, as I get involved with the process, the blood seems to move from my cock and into my brain. I’ve got to concentrate on each lick, gauge her response, and make sure I am taking her to wherever her orgasm is. And it is never in the same place. The combinations of actions are mind-boggling: pressure, speed, length of lick, suction, humming, fingers (in which hole, etc.). If I get lost, her train never stops in Orgasm Town, but zooms right past to the next stop: Too Sensitive City. Sometimes it can get quite tedious, but I never give up. And as soon as she starts to come, I get aroused again.
Given FMBC’s husband’s eagerness and willingness to please her, I’ll assume he loves and cares for her. And her reaching out to you would seem to indicate that the feeling is mutual. But there is something about the tone of her letter that rings of a bigger problem. It seems like she is trying to find some fault with her husband of four and a half years. Having years of exceptional experience reading this type of letter, you may have a different take on it, but I believe there’s something else bigger that’s bothering her. —Loves Licking Insatiable Kooze
Q: Thank you for putting FMBC in her place. I am a man who absolutely loves to lick my girlfriend’s pussy, but it’s not exactly a piece of cake. It can take a significant input of time and energy on my part, but it’s always worth it, even when I’m sweating at the end and my tongue/jaw/lips are sore. FMBC should ask herself whether going down on hubby leaves her dripping like a faucet each and every time — and whether or not she puts as much work into it or does it nearly half has much as he goes down on her. —Cry Me a Fucking River, Lady
Q: Just writing in about your letter from the woman whose husband always goes down on her but who has to masturbate during it in order to stay hard. I too have a wonderful husband who goes down on me every time. He doesn’t always stay hard for the duration either. But this isn’t a problem because when I come, I am only so happy to go down on him for a bit, at which point he is certainly hard enough for intercourse! You might suggest that if she returns the favor then her husband won’t have to be so concerned about his erection while he’s down on her. —Virginia Lawbreaker
Q: I’m not saying that Frustrated Midwestern Breeder Chick shouldn’t be thankful that her husband loves to eat her pussy on a regular basis, but don’t you think you were a little hard on her? Let’s not forget her perspective in this whole situation. She doesn’t sit at her desk every day reading letters from women who complain how their husbands will never go down on them. All she knew was that she wasn’t getting turned on by the whole situation.
I think your suggestion that she don some sexy foot apparel and play along with his fetish was the best advice. After all, the best way to get something is to give something, right?
Regarding female arousal, you also stated, "You get aroused, you get wet, you stay wet … you’re going to stay pretty consistently wet. …" I know of at least one person that that is not true for: me. I have to be really turned on and stay turned on or else trying to have straight sex is like trying to stuff a tampon up my butt (which I haven’t tried but imagine to not be a smooth ride). —Devoted Reader
Q: I just read your column with the shitferbrains breeder chick who complained about her pussy-lapping shoe-fetish husband, and I think you left out only one little tidbit. Not only should she put on the spike heel and plant it in his lap (or shoulder, or whatever) when he is eating her out, but she should also thank her lucky stars for her husband’s fetish. Not only is she lucky to have a husband who offers oral sex pretty much every time, but also a man who has in essence given her carte blanche to indulge in a shoe-shopping binge anytime she wants. Oral sex and shoes: Isn’t that all a straight woman needs to be happy? That’s the impression I got watching Sex and the City. —Kell
Q: In response to your response to Frustrated Midwestern Breeder Chick, and on behalf of all women who read your column: You are a gay man. Your level of insight into female sexuality is therefore incredibly limited, as is becoming more apparent every time I read your column. And as you often give advice to females about their sexuality, I feel it is time I spoke up.
"Freaking dumbass"? "Shitferbrains"? This is how you refer to women who come to you for help? Are there feelings of bitterness surfacing here, Dan? First of all, your advice on the carnal animal and — I’ll just say it — male aspects of sex are typically good. Your column gives great advice about how to enhance the sensation of dicks and clits and G spots being tickled, rubbed, played with, whatever. But when it comes to giving advice to heterosexual couples and/or women, you are usually missing out on one big thing: For women, sex is about more than physical stimulation. It is a bonding experience, it is a way for her to be reassured that she is at the center of her lover’s universe.
Consider this: It’s only been a few decades since women have had complete reproductive freedom in this country, and even as we speak, it is threatened. As a species we haven’t quite had enough time to evolve to these circumstances. Women, if they become pregnant, whether accidentally or by design, have to face a huge host of complications, including physical and financial vulnerability. Every time a woman has sex, no matter what the precautions, she exposes herself to these vulnerabilities. It is not too much to ask, even in this modern day, that her partner respect this enormous risk that she is taking and let her know that he is worth it. Emotionally, women have needs that outweigh the needs of a Midwestern husband with a shoe fetish. And your column consistently fails to address this. Shitferbrains. —A Midwestern Woman
Q: First, I’m a woman. Second, I don’t think you gave FMBC enough of a tongue-lashing. Of all the "stupid people" letters you’ve published, this one takes tops. It’s not just that she doesn’t understand male arousal, but that she’s a selfish bitch. —Licked Girl Be Thankful
Q: In your response to FMBC this week, you freakin’ rocked! I do not understand women who freak out over stupid shit like that. My husband has an ex-wife for that very reason. He likes kinky stuff and she couldn’t accept it, made him feel horrible about it. I revel in it. He likes corsets; I wear them for him. He likes to dress up in lingerie — I bought him a closet full. He loves porn — we watch it together. And if one of us wants to spend a little quality kink time alone with our computer or DVD player, that’s fine too. The result is that he is happy and able to be honest about who he is, not feel ashamed and compelled to lie about anything to me. Our sex life is awesome, because we are not afraid to tell each other even our weirdest fantasies. Even if they never happen, and merely stay fantasies (let’s face it, sometimes that’s better), just sharing them is the turn-on. So many women have so many hang-ups I just don’t understand. Jealousy, rejection and repression never made anyone’s marriage happier. That’s how marriage got such a bad rep in the first place — women who couldn’t open their minds and men who felt they had to look elsewhere to get what they wanted. Honesty, respect and acceptance of your partner is the only way to truly be happy — not just sexually, but in every aspect of marriage. So FMBC, get over your issues and get out your stilettos — believe me, you’ll be orgasmically happy that you did. And so will he. —Marital Repression Sucks. So Lighten Up, Tight-ass.
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