I had a great time at the live taping of the Savage Lovecast at Chicago’s Music Box Theatre. Audience members submitted questions on cards, and I tackled as many questions as I could over two hours — with the welcome and hilarious assistance of comedian Kristen Toomey. Here are some of the questions we didn’t get to before they gave us the hook…
Q: If your partner's social media makes you uncomfortable — whether it's the overly friendly comments they get on their photos or vice versa (their overly friendly comments on other people's photos) — do you have the right to say something?
A: You have the right to say something — the First Amendment applies to relationships, too — but you have two additional rights and one responsibility: the right to refrain from reading the comments, the right to unfollow your partner's social-media accounts, and the responsibility to get over your jealousy.
Q: A couple invited me to go on a trip as their third and to have threesomes. I am friends with the guy, and there is chemistry. But I have not met the girl. I'm worried that there may not be chemistry with her. Is there anything I can do to build chemistry or at least get us all comfortable enough to jump into it?
A: Get this woman's phone number, exchange a few photos and flirty texts, and relax. Remember: You're the very special guest star here — it's their job to seduce you, not the other way around.
Q: Incest porn — what is the reason behind why it's so hot?
A: I reject the premise of your question. There's nothing hot about incest porn.
Q: My partner really wants an open relationship; I really don't. He isn't the jealous type; I am. We compromised, and I agreed to a threesome. I want to meet him in the middle, but I really hate the idea of even a threesome and can't stop stressing about it. What should I do?
A: You should end this relationship yourself or you can let an ill-advised, sure-to-be-disastrous threesome end it for you.
Q: Any dating advice for people who are gay and disabled?
A: Move on all fronts: Go places and do things — as much as your disability and budget allow — join gay dating sites, be open about your disability, be open to dating other disabled people. And take the advice of an amputee I interviewed for a column a long, long time ago: "So long as they don't see me as a fetish object, I'm willing to date people who may be attracted to me initially because of my disability, not despite it."
Q: Why do I say yes to dates if I love being alone?
A: Because we're constantly told — by our families, our entertainments, our faith traditions — that there's something wrong with being alone. The healthiest loners shrug it off and don't search for mates, the complicit loners play along and go through the motions of searching for mates, and the oblivious loners make themselves and others miserable by searching for and landing mates they never wanted.
Q: My boyfriend keeps talking about how much he would like for me to peg him. (I'm female.) Should I wait for him to buy a contraption or surprise him myself? We've been dating only three months.
A: Traditionally, straight couples exchange strap-on dildos to mark their six-month anniversary.
Q: Gay guy, late 20s. What's the best timing — relative to meals and bowel movements — to have anal sex?
A: Butts shouldn't be fucked too soon after a meal or too soon before a bowel movement. For more info, read the late, great Dr. Jack Morin's Anal Pleasure and Health: A Guide for Men, Women, and Couples — which can be read before, during, and after meals and/or bowel movements.
Q: My sister's husband describes himself as sexually "vanilla." She says she hasn't had an orgasm without a vibrator in seven years. They are currently separated, and he wants her back. If he makes some lifestyle changes (stops smoking so much weed, goes to the gym), is there hope for her sex life?
A: Does your sister want him back? If so, taking him back is the only way to find out if he's willing to make these lifestyle changes and make them permanently.
Q: I went to a big kink event. Why are the people so fucking creepy? How can you find kinky folks who aren't super pervy?
A: They're hanging out with the kinky folks who aren't super judgy.
Q: Why do all of my gay friends make passes at my boyfriends at some point? It's not just harmless flirtation, either.
A: Your boyfriends are irresistible, and your gay friends are irredeemable.
Q: My girlfriend and I are having a debate. Which is more intimate: vanilla sex or sharing a whirlpool bath with someone? Can you settle this?
Q: Three great dates followed by a micropenis. What do I do? Him: six-foot-four, giant belly. Me: five-foot-five, normal proportions. Great guy, but the sex sucked.
A: If you require an average-to-large penis to enjoy sex, don't keep seeing this guy. He needs to find someone who thinks — or someone who knows — tongues, fingers, brains, kinks, etc., can add up to great sex.
Q: As a trauma/rape survivor, I found myself attracted to girls afterward. Is this because I'm scared of men or am I genuinely attracted to girls? Is this a thing that happens after trauma?
A: People react to trauma in all sorts of ways — some of them unpredictable. And trauma has the power to unlock truths or obscure them. I'm sorry you were raped, and I would encourage you to explore these issues with a counselor. Rape Victim Advocates (rapevictimadvocates.org) can help you find a qualified counselor.
Q: Do you think a relationship in this day and age can last forever?
A: Some relationships last forever and should, some last forever and shouldn't. "Forever," here defined as "until one or both partners are dead," isn't the sole measure of relationship quality or success.
Q: My boyfriend refuses to finish inside me. When he's about to come, he pulls out and comes on my chest. Every time. I told him I have an IUD and there's no risk of pregnancy. How do I remain a feminist when my boyfriend comes on my chest every night? I know he loves me, but I feel very objectified.
A: A woman who enjoys having someone come on her chest doesn't have to surrender her feminist card for letting someone come on her chest. But you don't enjoy it — it makes you feel objectified in the wrong way. (Most of us, feminists included, enjoy being appreciated for our parts and our smarts.) Use your words: "I don't like it when you come on my chest. So that's over." He'll have to respect that limit or he'll have to go. If he doesn't feel comfortable coming inside you, IUD or no IUD, you'll have to respect his choice. He can pull out and come somewhere else — in his own hand, on his own belly, or in a condom.
Q: My boyfriend wants me to talk more in bed. I am not a shy person, but making sentences during sex doesn't come naturally to me — though I am very uninhibited with my vocals! What's a good way to get more comfortable talking during sex?
A: Tell him what you're gonna do ("I'm gonna suck that dick"), tell him what you're doing ("I'm sucking that dmmffhm"), tell him what you just did ("I sucked that dick").
Q: Hey, Dan! I'm 27 and I just lost my virginity. Thanks for all the help!
A: You're welcome!
On the Lovecast, Dan chats with the author of Everybody Lies: savagelovecast.com.