Q: My wife and I were married straight out of college. At the time I knew she suffered from a potentially debilitating mental disorder, so I came into the relationship with my eyes fully open. Since then, nine years and two children have followed. About two years ago her disorder began to get worse. Suicidal ideation, hallucinations, delusions and the like. Her psychiatrist put her on a new medication that for the most part has eliminated her symptoms. She has gotten her life under control and is doing much better. But heres my problem, and I feel extremely selfish for this: One of the side effects of the medication is a complete loss of interest in sex. She is still loving and affectionate, but her libido is nonexistent. We have discussed this many times, and argued about it. Over the past six months we have reached a tacit agreement: I dont ask and she doesnt pretend. I am 32 years old and married to my best friend who wants nothing to do with me sexually.
Divorce is not an option. My children are my life. In addition, my wife needs me and I take the for better or worse part seriously. More importantly, I love her. In short, I am looking at forgoing sex for the rest of my life. I am successful, intelligent, ambitious, kind and better than average in the looks department. I am flirted with frequently in my daily life, and I find myself increasingly desperate for even a small taste of sexual intimacy. What am I to do? Desperately Seeking Anything
A: Youre to fuck other people, DSA.
You write that you take the for better or worse part seriously, and thats admirable. I fully support your decision to remain in your marriage, stand by your wife and be there for your kids. They all need you, and they all need you at home. But that for better or worse stuff? It doesnt just apply to you, DSA, it also applies to your wife.
So, yeah, it sucks to be married to someone who, as the result of a necessary medical intervention, is completely uninterested in sex. That definitely falls into the worse column. Likewise, it sucks to be married to a man who, to preserve his own sanity, occasionally has sex with other women. That falls into the worse column, too. But you have needs that have to be met, DSA, and meeting them isnt just about satisfying your need for sexual intimacy. Youre feeling increasingly desperate about the prospect of forgoing sex for the rest of [your] life. If you dont find a nice woman you can be sexual with perhaps someone in a similar circumstance? your desperation will eventually reach an emotional crescendo and you will sabotage your marriage. So do the right thing and fuck other people.
Yeah, yeah: Adultery is wrong. But when you consider the damage that divorce would do to your wife and kids, a little adultery is the lesser evil. So dont ask and dont tell and dont get caught, DSA although you might want to say something to your wife now, something you can remind her of if you do get caught, something along the lines of, Im not going to pressure you about sex anymore, but you have to know that if and when opportunity presents itself, I dont think Ill be able to help myself. Youve resigned yourself to living with this worse; it is not too much to ask your wife to resign herself to the probability that you will, at some point, fuck someone else.
Q: About a year ago, I moved abroad to be with my boyfriend. Now we dont have sex anymore! I confronted my partner about this and he admitted he is having impotency issues. He is 35 and drinks and smokes a lot and has a stressful job, and I think these are the reasons for our lackluster love life. How serious is this? I dont think I can survive without sex. He is eight years older than me and claims that sex is no longer important to him. Does he not love me anymore? Between A Rock And An Unhard Place
A: How serious is this problem? Deadly serious, I should think, since you say you cant survive without sex and hes apparently not willing to make any effort or changes (drinking and smoking a lot can impede a mans ability to get it up), just excuses. Does he not love you anymore? Dunno, BARAAUP, but he clearly doesnt love you enough to take your unhappiness at the current state of your love life seriously. DTMFA.
Q: There is this girl who is dating a friend of mine, but we all hang out at least once a week. Their relationship is on-again, off-again, mainly off when my friend is sleeping with other girls. When we hang out, with or without her boyfriend around, this girl is always talking about how she wishes her boyfriend was more like me, didnt use drugs, etc. She also seems to always find ways to be in physical contact with me, sitting next to me, leaning on me, etc. I am in love with her. I am also married. Im a 24-year-old guy, and my wife and I have been married for two years. We dated for eight years before that. (Yes, we started dating when I was 14.) I thought I was in love with my wife, but now, with this new girl, I feel so much more that it makes me wonder if either one of us ever really experienced true love.
The most sensible option, of course, is to assume that this is just a fleeting crush, and continue my married life. The other option is to talk to her about my crush, and see if she feels the same way about me. Theres no sense getting a divorce only to find out that this girl doesnt really like me, right? What do you think? My wife and I have no children, so thats not a concern. Torn Married Man
A: First off, TMM, I find it odd that your wife either doesnt know or doesnt care that you hang out with a cheating, drug-abusing buddy and his long-suffering girlfriend at least once a week. If she knows and doesnt care, its entirely possible that she wants out of this early, ill-advised marriage just as much as you do.
So what do you do? Talk it out with your crush she may be all over you because shes into you or she may be all over you because she sees you as safe, i.e. married, and therefore not a potential boyfriend. And just because she tells you she wishes her boyfriend were more like you, TMM, that doesnt necessarily mean shes attracted to you. Anyone who repeatedly takes back a cheating, drug-using boyfriend has a taste for bad boys, something youre definitely not. So while she may regard you as a better man, that doesnt necessarily mean youre her type. She may just be relying on you aka using you for emotional support while she gets her kicks from her bad-boy boyfriend.
Regardless of what the crush says, you need to talk with the wife too. You dont have to share all the details, but before you have kids, a frank conversation about how young you married and what you may have missed out on by doing so (true love?) might be a good idea.
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