Q: My problem starts when I get an erection. Within seconds my cock starts to dribble this clear, sticky liquid. This happens every time I get stiff. I guess I thought it was normal. I’ve had no other cock problems and sex has always been great and it all works like it should. None of my ex-girlfriends ever said anything about this. The problem is now I have a new girlfriend who says it’s not normal and I should see a doctor. She is really put off by it. I’ve become so embarrassed and self-conscious about this that it’s put me off sex — especially getting blow jobs, as I can’t help but think my girlfriend is freaked out by my cock. Am I a freak? Should I see a doctor? —Weeping Willy
A: I will never want for work. So long as Americans are as ignorant and misinformed about sex as WW and his girlfriend here, there will always be a need for columns like mine. So before I answer your question, WW, I want to thank the people who make sure each new generation of Americans is as ignorant and misinformed about sex as the last: Thank you, sex-phobic parents, crazy cultural conservatives, loopy evangelical Christians and moronic abstinence “educators.” As I get ready to celebrate my 13th year as a sex advice columnist this August (and 33rd birthday as well!), it’s a comfort to know that I can continue to max out my credit cards and blow money on rent boys without having to worry about losing my job.
On to your question, WW: That clear, sticky liquid dribbling out of your cock? It’s called pre-come. (Or “pre-cum,” if you want to be illiterate about it.) Pre-come is a fluid secreted by your Cowper’s glands, which are two wee glands that pump a slick, watery fluid into your urethra when you’re turned on. (Your urethra is the tube that carries your piss and come out of your body.) This natural lubricant slicks up your urethra so that (1) your sperm cells aren’t scorched by any trace amounts of acidic urine in your piss tube, and (2) your thick, white junk goes flying as you ejaculate instead of just gumming up the inside of your tube. Producing a lot of pre-come, which some men do, has the added benefit of helping to keep whatever orifice you’re banging away at nice and slick. And the more turned on a guy is, WW, the more pre-come he tends to leak. So tell your girlfriend that your leaky dick means you like her, you really, really like her, and that you don’t need to see a doctor.
Finally, WW, you can take some comfort in knowing that you and your girlfriend aren’t the most ignorant and misinformed couple on the planet. According to the British news service Ananova.com, a married German couple were having trouble getting pregnant so they went to see some fertility docs. The docs ran tests, determined that both the husband and wife were fertile, and called them in for a talk. “When we asked them how often they had had sex,” a spokesman for the clinic told the press, “they looked blank and said, ‘What do you mean?’” The 30-year-old wife and her 36-year-old husband — married eight years! — didn’t know “the physical requirements necessary to procreate.” The couple, the report went on, were “not retarded,” they had just grown up in a “religious environment,” i.e. they grew up in the kind of no-information-about-sex-please-we’re-fundies environment that America’s religious kooks want to impose on us all.
Q: I don’t suppose you’ve ever heard of a stretch-mark fetish? I’ve read stretch marks are hereditary, and I managed to get a lot of them (thanx, Ma). I still look like a zebra six months after my pregnancy — they’re everywhere. Where’s a straight man who loves this sort of thing? —Stripes
A: I’ve never heard from a stretch-mark fetishist before, Stripes, and a quick Google search didn’t turn up any stretchy Web sites — not terribly hopeful signs. You’ll probably have to find yourself a nice straight guy who loves you despite your stripes, Stripes, not because of your stripes.
Finally … um … at the risk of sounding like the kind of cultural conservatives I beat up in my last response … what the hell happened to the straight guy who fathered the child you just had? Where the hell did he go? If anyone should be hanging out lovin’ your stripes, it’s him. Even if he’s out of the picture for some very good reason, what on earth is a woman with a 6-month-old infant at home doing looking for stretch-mark fetishists anyway? I mean, I know you’re still a woman, Stripes, and that you have needs like any other woman, but aren’t you swamped at the moment with the whole infant thing? What’s the big rush? Your stripes aren’t going anywhere, are they? You’ll have plenty of time for cheap, meaningless sex with a straight stretch-mark fetishist — provided you can locate one — when your kid is sleeping through the night. Jeez.
Q: So I just started a new McJob due to the pressures of bills and our god-awful job market. Mainly, I work with a bunch of 16- and 17-year-old girls. Myself, I’m a 29-year-old male. I recently found myself looking up “age of consent” laws on www.ageofconsent.com. It says that the age of consent in my particular state is 16. Now, if the far-fetched fantasy of many straight males were to occur and one of the girls said, “Take me home, I’d like to fuck you,” something tells me I’d still get in a heap of legal trouble. What is the deal with teenage girls and the law? —Dirty Old Man
A: If your McJob isn’t in a McSchool — if you’re not a teacher or a coach — the law in your state is clear: You can fuck your young co-workers senseless, DOM, so long as the sex is consensual. But remember the first rule of sleeping with legal teenagers: Younger sex partners are like campsites, DOM. You should always leave ’em in better condition than you found ’em. Don’t knock ’em up, don’t give ’em STDs, and don’t mislead ’em about the long-term possibilities (which are nil). Make sure they’re having fun, be open and accommodating, and combat their youthful ignorance about sex by answering their questions.
Q: I have some advice for Insert Witty Name Here, the guy who hates using condoms and can’t finish with them. I had the same problem too, but there are a couple of tips that can help:
1. Put some lubricant on the tip of your tool before you put the condom on. It might take a little practice to get the best results, but it will make it feel much better if the condom slides around a little. I’m pretty sure you’ve told us this before, Dan, but I think this guy needs a reminder.
2. All condoms are not created equal. I consider myself average, but Trojans are just too damn small to be comfortable. Even if a condom feels like a snug fit and goes on easily enough, it can be too tight for me to really get the feeling that makes me come. I’ve tried most of the brands out there, and have had best results with LifeStyles Ultra Thin. He should just try a wide variety and see what works best.
Always enjoy the column, Dan. —Condoms on College Kink
A: Thanks for sharing, COCK. To read more condom advice for IWNH, go to here.Send letters to firstname.lastname@example.org