Q: When did your sex advice column become a political column? That’s not why I read your column. Please get back to what you do best: fetish sex advice. Get back to peggers and piss drinkers. If I find anything about politics in your column next week, I am done with you. I want info and entertainment on sex, not politics! —Joey M.
P.S. In Iran two months ago they hanged a teenage girl from a crane for having premarital sex. Compared to that, American homos ain’t got it too bad.
A: Thank you for the perspective-inducing mental image, JM. You’re right: American gays aren’t swinging from the ends of ropes attached to cranes for wanting to have marital sex. As silver linings go, it’s pretty thin, but I’m happy to have it.
I’m sorry to say, though, that you’re going to read about politics in this week’s column — but only because I’m running your letter, JM. And I’m only running it so that I can swear, on my santorum-smudged Bible, that I’m getting back to sex. That doesn’t mean, however, that I won’t touch on politics in this space. Sex and politics are bound together in the United States — and that’s not my doing, kiddo. Nevertheless I will try not to dwell too much on, say, the demise of the Supreme Court, Karl Rove’s indecently fat ass, the end of Social Security, or the war on terror. And while I have hundreds of e-mails in my inbox from distressed liberals, delighted conservatives, and uncharacteristically boastful Canadians who do want to discuss politics, I’m going to ignore them in favor of peggers and piss drinkers, JM, per your request.
If that doesn’t win back your affections, maybe this will: At the end of this week’s column I will announce Savage Love’s first annual GGG Award, a contest that is sure to fill this space with hair-raising tales of perversion for weeks to come. But first, a pegger and a piss drinker …
Q: My girlfriend got a harness so she could fuck me in the ass. This turns us both on. The only problem is that, for several days afterward, this straight guy’s butt is sore. We go slowly, use tons of lube, and employ a small dildo. Is there any more advice you can give other than the standard “go slow, use tons of lube”? —Pegging Causes Pain
A: If your girlfriend’s dildo is made out of a porous material like latex or vinyl, PCP, you might want to try switching to a nonporous, more expensive and less irritating silicone dildo. Also, with a silicone dildo you can use a non-water-based lube, for example, something greasy. Some guys find that oil-based lubes ease the way. (Attention butt-fuckers: Oil-based lubes dissolve latex condoms and are NOT to be used for penis-in-butt style buttfucking.) Hope that helps.
Q: I made a pass at the girlfriend of a guy I know. He’s a friend but she’s too hot to let friendship stand in the way. She said no. Two weeks later, the girl asks me if I still want to fuck her. Yes! She says I can but first I have to blow her boyfriend and drink his piss. No! This is her fantasy, she says. She wants her boyfriend to degrade me and then degrade her by letting me fuck her. Apparently she’s into degradation. I tell her that I might be drunk enough to suck her boyfriend’s dick, but no way am I going to drink a dude’s piss. Both or nothing, she says. Many beers later (some recycled), and there I was fucking her brains out.
Now they barely speak to me. It’s like I did something shitty to them. It’s not like I want a repeat — with God as my witness, I will never be that drunk again — but I’m pissed that they could put me through all of that and be such assholes about it afterward. I would like to confront them but I don’t want them to get pissed and tell people what I did. So can you tell me what the fuck their deal is? Why are they being so shitty? —On the Wagon
A: Because they’re into head games and power trips, OTW, and they’re assholes.
The operative part of the above sentence is, “… and they’re assholes.” There are lots of couples into head games and power trips who manage to keep the game-playing and head-tripping inside the bedroom where it belongs. Outside the bedroom, they treat any third parties they involve with kindness, gratitude and respect. This particular couple does not, which makes them head-game-playing, power-tripping assholes. As for confronting them, don’t do it — not because they’ll blab (they probably don’t want people to know what freaks they are), OTW, but because they’ll get off on knowing that their post-three-way head games and power trips are working. Don’t give them the satisfaction.
Finally, OTW, “with God as my witness”? I don’t doubt that a straight guy would be capable of sucking a dude’s dick, even drinking a dude’s piss, if it meant getting to fuck the dude’s amazingly hot/amazingly kinky girlfriend. But tossing off lines from Gone with the Wind? That is so gay, OTW. What are you, a faggot or something?
Q: You should definitely run a “good, giving and game” contest, Dan, giving a prize to the best example of a non-kinky partner who really came through for his or her kinky beloved. For proof that you’re not just getting mail from people yanking your chain(s), have each couple send in a pair of pics — a normal one and one that contains a reference to Savage Love. If your machine-fucking correspondent wants to send in pictures of her hubby strapped down, she can write “GGG enough for you, Dan?” in lipstick on his ass or something. Also, only the lucky spouses/partners of GGG’s should be able to do the nominating. This would not prevent lies, but it would cut down on entries from people who think they’re being GGG when they’re not. After all, the true test of someone’s GGG cred is the satisfaction, even admiration, of his or her grateful partner. —Island Dweller in Portland and No Acronym
A: A contest! Yes, that will make me feel better. Hmm … pervy pictures. Hmm … pervy stories. Hmm … better get the GGG Awards off the ground before GWB makes being GGG illegal. So here are the rules: Pervs who want to nominate their understanding, indulgent non-pervy GGG partners should send in essays of 500 words or less to email@example.com. Tell us why your GGG mate deserves this award. Please include a non-perv photo (that’s mandatory) and, if possible, a perv photo to prove you’re actually doing the pervy things you claim to be doing. (The perv photo is optional and it need not be pornographic — I’m looking for the gist, folks, not the jism.) You must also include a phone number. Photos and phone numbers will be kept strictly confidential. They are for verification purposes only. They will not be posted on any Web site. I will interview each nominee to make sure that all GGG Award finalists are the genuine articles. (People who can’t send in perv photos can expect an intense grilling — an added thrill for cannibal fetishists.) I will select the best examples of GGG heroics and run them in an upcoming column. Savage Love readers will vote on a winner. The grand prize: Three days and two nights in pervy Las Vegas, Nev. Deadline for entries is Dec. 10, 2004.Send letters to firstname.lastname@example.org