- Illustration by Lee DeVito.
Q: I’m a 25-year-old straight guy. Last month, I was in the locker room at my gym. It was 4 a.m., and I was the only one around. I was getting ready to leave when I noticed someone exiting the showers. He kinda caught me looking (he was very well-endowed), and I quickly turned my head, embarrassed. About 20 seconds later, he came around the corner and said, “Hey, how ya doin’?” He was still naked, and it was obvious that he was wondering if I wanted to try something. (Trust me — he was about 10 or 11 inches now!) I didn’t know what to think, so I just got the hell out of there as fast as I could. I’ve never been with a guy before, but for the past few weeks, I can’t stop thinking about it. I kinda wish I hadn’t left so fast. I guess I’m really turned on by the size, and curious about maybe trying oral? That’s all I’m curious about trying, nothing else. I’m way more attracted to girls than guys, but I can’t shake these thoughts.
—Panic At The Dick, So?
A: I was wondering what happened to Joey from Friends.
Look, PATDS, you’re clearly straight enough to continue identifying as straight. But as you learned in that locker room, to get yourself to straight (or to remain at straight), you have to round yourself down the tiniest bit. (Or round yourself up the tiniest bit. Up, down — depends on how you feel about straight.) But you are now consciously aware that you’re more than a little curious about dick, and given the right circumstances (oral-only circumstances) and the right dick (great big dick), you could hit, suck, or stroke that.
Since that giant 4 a.m. dick wasn’t your last chance at dick, PATDS, you didn’t miss your only opportunity to explore your bisexual, heteroflexible, or man-on-man desires. There are other giant dicks out there. Hell, you might get another chance at that particular dick. The next time an opportunity presents itself — whether you leave that opportunity to chance (another encounter with Mr. 10 or 11 Inches Now) or create your own opportunities (taking out a few NSA sex ads) — put your very limited interests (oral only) and even more limited experience (none whatsoever) on the table and let the dude decide if he’s in (your mouth).
Q: I can orgasm without stimulating my clitoris — but only through anal sex. What gives? —A Nosy Admiring Lass
A: The Lord giveth, ANAL, and it seems He gave you an amazing superpower. I wouldn’t question it too much, lest the Lord peg you for an ingrate and taketh away.
Q: I’m a 25-year-old lesbian, and I live with my partner of two years. My family is coming to visit from Texas, where they’re part of a hyperconservative church. I’m not out to my mom. While I want this to be a happy occasion, I’m not willing to hide who I am in my own home. My sister owes me one from when I told our mom — at her request — that she was pregnant because she feared her reaction. I’m considering asking my sister to out me to my mom so that maybe she’ll be done screaming and yelling by the time she arrives. I know this is chickenshit, but I also can’t bring myself to come out to her. I’ve tried before and can never summon the courage. —Anxiously Fearing Repulsive And Irrational Diatribes
A: My advice for you is the same as my advice for all queer kids with crazy, hyperconservative parents: Don’t fear their rejection — make them fear yours. Tell your mom you’re queer, AFRAID, and then tell her that you won’t speak to her or see her if she can’t treat you and your partner with respect. Remember, the only leverage an adult child has over her parents is her presence. If your mom treats you like shit, absent yourself. If she’s rude to you in your own home, kick her ass out. You’re a grown woman, and it’s time to stop being scared of Mommy.
Q: My boyfriend and I have been together for four years, and we have a great relationship. In the bedroom, I’m generally the bottom, but I play an equal role during sex — neither dominant nor submissive — and in general, we have great sex. But both of us have things that we like to do that the other is not a big fan of. I enjoy being the bottom, but I like to top as well. My partner, who does not particularly enjoy bottoming, is turned on by the idea of the other person being submissive. Both of us are GGG and willing to explore these things together. But is it OK to put limits on how often this happens? (Me submitting to him, him bottoming for me?) What about striking a deal where each person gives a little? How do we compromise, keep it fun, and keep our GGG status intact? —Quid Pro Quo
A: What I’m about to propose may seem elaborate, QPQ, but bear this in mind while you read my advice: Marijuana is legal where I live.
Take the average number of times you two have sex in any given month and divide that number in half, then divide it in half again. You each get a stack of red poker chips equal to whatever the third number is, plus one blue poker chip. So let’s say you guys have sex 12 times a month on average. Half of 12 is six, half of six is three — you each get four chips: three red, one blue. (You still with me? Good. Man, I could use some chips right now myself.) You keep your chips on your nightstand, and your boyfriend keeps his chips on his. On nights when you want to top your boyfriend, you hand him one of your red chips. On nights when he wants you to be submissive, he hands you one of his red chips. If he doesn’t want to bottom for you on a night when you hand him a chip, he can veto your red chip by surrendering one of his. Likewise, you can veto one of his red chips by surrendering one of yours. When a veto is played, you default to the sex you have most of the time, i.e., your “regular” sexual routine (which seems to entail you bottoming for him as his equal), and the chip used to veto is forfeited. You each have to use your three red chips in one calendar month — an unused chip doesn’t carry over to the next month.
Basically, QPQ, you have three chances per month to top him, and he has three chances per month to dominate you. If he wants to deny you one of your chances to top him, he loses one of his chances to dominate you. You don’t have to be submissive when you’re not feeling it, and he doesn’t have to bottom when he’s not feeling it. But if you never agree to submit — if you veto all of his requests — you never get to top him. If he never agrees to bottom, then he never gets to dominate you. And what’s the blue chip for? It’s a “free veto,” a chip you can sacrifice without giving up one of your chances to fuck or dominate the other.
So there you go! With the help of legal marijuana, I’ve turned your compromise into a sexy game. Have fun!
On the Lovecast: Premature ejaculation — what can be done? At savagelovecast.com.