Q: I’m a 19-year-old guy with a big problem. My 18-year-old sister is very nice and very good-looking. We have been in love for two years. Our parents do not know. She might be pregnant. If she is, we want to get married. Do we hide this from our parents? —Please Help
A: First, call the nice folks at Planned Parenthood and they will direct you and your sister to an abortion provider in your area. Second, as we’ve recently discussed here, some sex play between pre- and recently post-pubescent siblings may be normal and healthy, and some genetic researchers recently signed off on first cousins making babies. But siblings? Falling in love? Making babies? I’m sorry, PH, but that’s just fucked up. Get that abortion, break up with your sister and move the fuck out of your parents’ house. Maybe if you get away from your sister, then you’ll be able to form an intimate sexual connection with someone to whom you’re not so closely related. Do you have any very nice, very good-looking cousins? I can’t imagine your folks will take the news any better than I did, so spare them the details as well as the three-legged grandchildren.
Q: My sister dated a guy for a month in high school and it didn’t work out. I met up with the guy four years later (not knowing my sister had dated him) and started a relationship. I dated the guy for four-and-a-half years before we broke up. My sister now has a very close friendship with this guy. They hang out, talk on the phone, go on trips. This really upsets me. A million guys in the world and my sister has to be best pals with my ex-fiance? Am I being a psycho bitch here? —LG
A: Grow the fuck up, LG. Your sister liked this guy well enough to date him in high school; you liked him well enough to date him for four-and-a-half years. He must have some redeeming qualities. Instead of berating your sister for befriending your ex — and, excuse me, but he was her ex first — you should emulate your sister’s ability to be friends with exes. It’s a sign of maturity and the ultimate proof that you’re no psycho bitch.
Q: I recently went to my good friend’s house on the Fourth of July. This holiday was a little different because his younger sister and mom were in town. When I got to his house I immediately noticed his sister was extremely hot. As the day went on, I found out she was also very funny and smart. It seemed to me that he was being the stereotypical big brother and didn’t let the two of us leave his sight. She’s back home now, and I’d really like to stay in contact with her. I have no way to do that because I was afraid to ask for her number since my friend was always right there. I’d like to ask my friend for her e-mail address or phone number — but I’m not quite sure how he will take it. What do you think? —Stuck In The Middle
A: What if you managed to get this woman’s phone number on July Fourth? If you got lucky and wound up dating, her protective older brother would inevitably find out. If he finds out on his own, he’ll be angry that you’re hiding this relationship from him. So tell your friend that you would like to get to know his sister better. If he doesn’t want to put you in touch with her, ask him why. Perhaps he thinks you’re wrong for his sister for some reason; maybe you’re an asshole he can barely tolerate and he only pretends to be friends with you out of pity. Or maybe he thinks his sister is wrong for you; maybe he’s watched her chew up and spit out a string of nice guys. Either way, you won’t know until you ask.
Q: Me and my younger brother are in our early 20s and live together. We are Samoan and this doesn’t make us chick magnets. Both of us have to masturbate. I always do it in private while my brother does it when he thinks I’m asleep — only sometimes I’m not sleeping. Should I bring it up? I don’t think it’s fair to confront him about his beating off without admitting that I do it too, which I don’t really want to do. —Samoan & Masturbator
A: What the fuck is wrong with you, S&M? You’ve been handed this golden opportunity to embarrass and humiliate your younger brother — and you’re hesitating? Look, the next time he beats off, roll over and say, “I’m awake, dumbass. Go jerk off in the bathroom.” He’ll feel mortified and ashamed and embarrassed and humiliated — and what older brother doesn’t enjoy making his younger brother feel miserable? Not telling him that you masturbate will compound his feelings of shame, so there’s no need to confess your sins. Instead you should be enjoying his sins, and the misery-making opening he’s given you.
Q: I’m an adopted gay boy who was thrown for a loop when I was tracked down by two younger brothers I never knew I had. I really hit it off with the younger of the two, a straight biker-boy type. Six months after meeting he came to visit. He met my gay friends, did the gay bars with me and ... one night after the bars he grabbed me, planted a big kiss on me and before I knew it I was fucking him silly. Although I felt tons of guilt, we continued to mess around on and off for a year. I told some friends and got reactions ranging from “Way to go ... that’s every gay man’s fantasy!” to “Oh my god you fucking sicko!” Then I confessed to another relative. Within days the news had spread and no one from my biological family has spoken to me since. Do you think there’s any way to ever salvage a relationship with my newfound relatives again? I would hate to miss out on any more years together, regardless of how fucked up our beginnings were. —Frenzied Adopted Guy
A: First, put me in the “Oh my god, you fucking sicko!” column. Making it with a brother is not every gay man’s fantasy. Second, how can you salvage your relationship with your biological relatives? You can’t, FAG. Your straight biker-boy brother may have been the one who made the pass that fateful night — and we only have your word on that — but you’re not going to have any luck convincing your biological relatives of that. You will be forever perceived by your biological relatives as the sicko fag who seduced one of his brothers shortly after they tracked him down — without a doubt that’s how your straight biker-boy brother has characterized the affair. But look on the bright side: Unlike poor, pathetic PH at the beginning of the column, you at least had the decency to refrain from knocking up your sibling.Contact Dan Savage at firstname.lastname@example.org