Q: My boyfriend doesn’t like snowballing, which doesn’t bother me. But he won’t even kiss me after oral sex — even if I’ve already swallowed. I feel like he sees me as dirty or nasty when he refuses to kiss me after oral sex. He says he wouldn’t ask me to do something I don’t want to do, so I shouldn’t ask him to kiss me after I get him off with my mouth. I told him that I’m not going to give him oral sex if he won’t kiss me after it’s over. He says that’s fine. I am so annoyed by this. Am I being unreasonable? —San Francisco Fan
A: First things first: Some of my very young, very old or very sheltered readers (hello there, Mom) are no doubt asking themselves, “What is this snowballing shit?” Well, simply kissing someone who’s just finished giving you head isn’t snowballing. That’s just gratitude, appropriately expressed. When a couple snowballs, the person giving (PG) head doesn’t swallow after the person receiving (PR) head comes. Instead, the PG retains the semen in his or her mouth and then kisses PR. As they kiss, the PG passes the wad of semen into the PR’s mouth. Yes, I know: yuck. But it’s not over. The PR, his mouth filled with his own cum, passes his come back into the PG’s mouth, who passes it back into the PR’s mouth, who passes it back into the PG’s mouth — and back and forth the wad of semen goes, mixing with more and more saliva, the wad getting bigger and bigger with each pass — snowballing, get it? — until either the PG or the PR decides to swallow or spit or one or the other or both of them drowns. Yes, Mother: yuck.
Back to you, SFF: Your boyfriend’s reluctance to snowball is completely understandable for reasons of, well, yuck. As for his reluctance to kiss you after he comes in your mouth, well, that’s a common, low-grade straight-boy phobia. He fears that a single taste of his own semen will either turn him gay or cause you to doubt his professed heterosexuality. And, of course, he could be one of those straight guys with no fear of induced or perceived homosexuality who simply doesn’t like the taste of his own cum on your tongue or the smell of his own crotchstank on your face.
What to do? Don’t blow this out of proportion. Har. Har. Har. Eliminating oral sex from your routine seems an extreme reaction to a relatively common and easily accommodated sexual hang-up/ matter of personal taste. You might try asking him if a quick swig of water or juice — enough to wash away his doomed DNA and its bitter aftertaste — would set his mind at ease. If it does, keep a bottle of something next to the bed. With any luck he’ll feel silly watching you gargle and learn to love kissing your cum-flavored pie hole — I mean, learn to love showing his gratitude.
Q: My wife and I are pretty adventurous and impulsive, which sometimes leads to us having sex in public. We are careful to make sure there are only adults around when we have some fun. But, man, there are some uptight adults in Orange County. We were going at it outside a bar in Laguna Beach when a couple in their 40s walked by. The look of horror on the woman’s face was unbelievable as she watched my wife swallowing my sword. The guy was a bit better but not by much. What do you think — can most adults in Orange County turn coal into diamonds when inserted in their asses or what? —Horny Open Twosome
A: People don’t come much more sexually adventurous than me, HOT. I’ll bet you anything that I could beat your ass at a game of “Can You Top This?” But you know what? I wouldn’t want to watch your wife swallow your sword any more than that poor woman outside that bar. Like a lot of sexually adventurous exhibitionists, HOT, you flatter yourself. You’re hip and open and free, and everyone in Orange County is square and repressed. Bullshit. That someone doesn’t want to watch your wife choke on your cock is not evidence that she’s sexually repressed, just as your willingness to involve other people in your sexual games is not proof that you’re sexually adventurous. It’s only proof that you’re an asshole. Public sex is all well and good, and the risk of getting caught can be a thrill. But going at it someplace where you’re sure to be seen is rude and presumptuous. Maybe that couple outside the bar were in the middle of a fight. Maybe they were coming from a friend’s funeral. Or maybe you and the wife aren’t all that much to look at. Just because you get off on being seen doesn’t mean everyone else on earth is obligated to get off on seeing you. If you really want people to watch your wife suck your dick, make some amateur porn and let ’em rent the video.
Q: OK, Dan, here’s one for you: I don’t know what to do. I’ve got a crush on the Tim Horton’s guy! I’m a down-to-earth, normal fag like all the rest. I’ve had my fun, been pissed on, been in orgies, worn leather, you know, all the regular stuff. But what do I do now? He works at Tim Horton’s. —Montreal Queer
A: First, for my readers who don’t know: Tim Horton’s is a chain of donut and coffee places in Canada and some parts of the United States. Picture a Starbucks/ Krispy Kreme hybrid. Now, MQ, why don’t you just ask the Tim Horton’s guy out on a date? Or is an old, tired, been-there-fucked-that slut like you too good for a guy who works in a coffee shop? And while we’re on the subject of hitting on coffee shop workers ...
Q: What you were thinking when you advised a 40-year-old guy to tell a 20-year-old barista about his sexual feelings for her? I was thinking about writing you to complain when a barista who works in the coffeehouse I run informed me that a man told her he had written the letter about her! Gross! Who wants to serve someone while possessing the knowledge that he “spends way too much time thinking about exploding his rocket all over her”?
People get crushes on customer service workers all the time. Think what a hellish existence they would have if everyone with a crush felt compelled to let them know about it. So keep it to yourself. If you are one of the people considering making this bold move, please do everyone a favor and don’t. Print my letter, Dan, because I have a hunch that hundreds of men around the country have told hundreds of baristas that they wrote that letter in Savage Love. —Start Telling Annoying Retards Baristas Unlikely Conquests, Knowing Savage
A: Thanks for sharing, STARBUCKS.
Next week: Tons of advice for FAG, the 15-year-old sex-slave wannabe with the 38-year-old wannabe master.Contact Dan Savage at firstname.lastname@example.org