News & Views » Columns

Son of guilt ePleasures

Just when you least expect it, they’re baaack. No, not certain members of the Bush I administration. Say hello again to Netro’s delightfully dumb, patent-applied-for Guilt ePleasure links. Web sites so bad, they’re awful. Awfully fun, that is. Behold the carnage, but click at your own risk.

Kitty litter

Take a house cat (or two). Put them on your scanner (or Xerox machine). Press “start.”

Congratulations. Your kitty can now earn her 15 minutes of fame on Cat Scan (www.cat-scan.com), the world’s only Web site devoted to feline scanner art. All sorts of demented cat pics reside here, with a new cat scan daily. Your cat could be next!

And there’s more … each creatively arranged cat scan comes complete with pseudo art-school commentary. Cat with nipples: “Kitty porn.” Cat on all fours: “Excellent form and style.” And the clever tail-only scan: “Minimalist cat.”

But it’s not all squished whiskers and cat hair. “Remember, folks, we’re making ART here!,” notes Webmaster CliffyB; “Try using props!” And thus the ingenious cat with crayons: “The bright colors of the Crayola offset the pale, subdued hues of the cat genitalia.”

Of course, this sort of highly experimental expressionism has its detractors. Visit the hate mail section: “(Cat Scan) is hardly humane,” writes one finicky visitor, “How do you think the cats like being forced to lay there while their image gets scanned into the computer?” Uh, yeah.

An absolute waste of time. (And highly recommended, of course.)

Beyond Zambonis

Pro wrestling is fake. Boxing is for wimps. The XFL? Just some fat guys with helmet cams.

No, it’s time to rediscover the world’s best contact sport — hockey. Or more specifically, hockey fights. On hockey-fights.com, you’ll find complete blow-by-blow coverage of the latest ice-rink brawls. Rather than logging hat tricks and goals scored, hockey-fights.com is all about that elusive takedown — who got their tush kicked, and who did the kickin’. Ouch … those skates are sharp.

The site keeps careful track of each player’s wins, losses and draws throughout the entire season. Meanwhile, hundreds of fight fans sort it out on the message forum — trading fight videos, analyzing last night’s bout, and threatening to get violent about which player is toughest.

All from the relative safety of the Internet, of course.

Kill joy

Some Web sites are so bizarre, you have to ask: Is this for real? Or merely a dumb joke?

Well, frontsight.com is just such an enigma. On the surface, it’s the official Web presence of The Front Sight Firearms Training Institute, a 550-acre gun school in Las Vegas. You’ll find a complete course schedule (topics include “moving targets” and “shooting from vehicles”), cute pro-gun cartoons (click on “Headshots”) and an application for the school’s complimentary submachine gun class. Sign up today for free ammo and a continental breakfast.

But could such a place really exist? Unfortunately, yes. A December 2000 article in the L.A. Times notes that school founder Dr. Ignatious Piazza (his real name) plans to turn the place into “a Disneyland for gun lovers, the safest town in all the land.” The Web site confirms these bizarre convictions. Writes Ignatius, “The ability to hit anything one can see bestows comfort that is unknown to the common man.”

Still don’t believe it’s true? Check out Ignatius’s solution to the Littleton, Colo., school shootings: arm the teachers. “Society is safer when we train and arm our law-abiding citizens,” writes the good doctor.

So much for running in the hallways, I guess.

Temptation e-land

Want to put that certain spark back into your marriage? Visit married-match.com, the dating agency for married people. According to the site’s guided tour section, Married Match is for “anyone who is married or wants to be with someone that is.”

The Web site promises “thousands” of, well, members, and ensures a completely private experience. But for some reason, Married Match seems a bit too eager-beaver to attract business. “The new HOT 2 TROT SECTION is NOW OPEN,” announces the home page — as if that much wasn’t already obvious. You’ll also find several secure links for purchasing Viagra. Still, if you’re looking for the latest in high infidelity, Married Match may do the trick.

Open wide

Finally, what would a list of bad Web sites be without a token religious destination? Blasphemy, I say. So visit ourhollowearth.com. Throwing caution (and Columbus) to the wind, Web master Rodney Cluff presents the evidence that our world is, in fact, hollow as a beach ball. But why? Well, according to Cluff, it’s the “ideal place for the Lord to hide the Lost Tribes of Israel!”

The site reveals the secret location of New Jerusalem in the sun (also hollow) and convincing satellite photos of polar openings (thanks, NASA). For the rest of the story though, you’ll have to purchase Cluff’s $10 eBook, “World Top Secret: Our Earth is Hollow!”

If that sounds too pricey, don’t worry. As a faith-based donation, it might soon be tax-deductible. We can only pray.

Adam Druckman writes about the Web and high-tech worlds for the MT. E-mail him at adruckman@metrotimes.com

comment