Q: I love reading your column and never thought that I would have a reason to write to you, but to my pleasure and chagrin, I realized today that I could use your help.
I am a 23-year-old woman. I have been with my boyfriend for three years, and we have lived together for two. We have a very healthy sex life, and the longer we are together, the better it gets! There is just one problem: He wants me to get really raunchy with his come when I am blowing him. I guess it's called an "oral creampie." Anyway, he wants to shoot on my face with my mouth open, he wants me to let him come in my mouth and then let it drool back out on my chin or his cock, all kinds of things in that vein. I would LOVE to do that for him — but when it's go time, I freeze and can't bring myself to do it and end up swallowing his come instead.
Honestly, I think the thought of come bothers me. I can swallow it because once I do, it's gone and I don't have to worry about it — but with this, I have to play with it and run it all around in my mouth. I need to know how to embrace his come instead of fearing it so our sex life can continue to grow instead of stagnate on this one thing. Help! —Frozen Creampie
A: According to Urban Dictionary — the final authority on all sex definitions these days — an "oral creampie" isn't anywhere near as involved a process as your boyfriend makes it out to be.
"While receiving a blow job," says Urban Dictionary, "the alpha male peaks to orgasm — while the male is in the midst of ejaculation, or cumming, the female continues the act of oral sex without removing her lips and/or mouth from the alpha males penis — thus, causing the male to cum inside the females mouth, and possibly down her throat while she is still sucking the males penis."
Beyond all that awful punctuation, you gotta love how the alpha male — no blow jobs for you beta males — "peaks to orgasm" all by himself. He isn't brought to orgasm thanks to the determined efforts of a giving partner. No. A blow job is something alpha males do for themselves. There he is, our alpha male, peaking to orgasm all on his own, when suddenly a woman trips and falls face-first into his lap.
Anyway, FC, it looks like you're doing the oral creampie already: You're blowing him; you're swallowing. Your boyfriend is asking you for what we're going to call "more." And this isn't something he's asking you to do "when [you're] blowing him," but after you're done blowing him. Because once he comes, FC, the blow job is technically over. Emission accomplished. So he's asking for a blow job-and-then-some, an above-and-beyond-the-call post-blow job indulgence.
A couple of thoughts ...
Presumably, your boyfriend eats your pussy. And when he does, FC, he gets your vaginal secretions all over his face — it's smeared all over his chin and cheeks and nose and lips. It's applied gradually, in layers, like a varnish. There's a big difference between your secretions and his — he comes all at once, in a few massive splats — but if he's eating your pussy, FC, he's already doing a slo-mo version of what he's asking you to do for him.
But even so, FC, your boyfriend has to recognize the above-and-beyond nature of the request he's making. He's getting head — good, enthusiastic head too, as evidenced by all the alpha orgasms he's peaking. And there you are, only too happy to swallow — even if your true motive is to dispose of his semen as quickly as possible. It seems to me that 1) your boyfriend shouldn't push this oral creampie thing too hard and 2) you shouldn't feel too bad if you can't bring yourself to do this for him anytime soon.
Your inability to do this one thing — this one above-and-beyond thing — shouldn't be allowed to "derail" an otherwise excellent sex life. Your sex life can "continue to grow" even if this particular act won't be scratched off the boyfriend's bucket-o-come list anytime soon. Do the stuff you enjoy, try new things, continue to grow together. And maybe play with his come a little bit along the way — masturbate him sometimes, or let him masturbate himself, and run your fingers through his come — and perhaps your fears and inhibitions will decrease and one day you'll be able to enjoy his juices (a word I hate in this context) just as much as he enjoys yours.
And he does enjoy yours, right? Because if he isn't eating your pussy, FC, then you shouldn't even be blowing him, much less feeling guilty about not gargling with his come after you're done.
Q: I grew up in a shitty conservative town with a batshit crazy mother and a philandering father who, despite leaving my mom when I was 2, went on to be a pretty good dad and definitely the only moderately stable parent in my life. I wanted his love and approval. I went to law school and married a guy who was, essentially, my dad. They became best friends. Very shortly into the marriage, I fell in love with a woman, realized I'm a total homo, and got divorced. I'm still with the same woman and I'm no longer suicidal over my internalized homophobia. Yay.
My dad didn't exactly support my decision, but he has made an effort to get to know my girlfriend and isn't acting quite as crushed as I know he was when I came out and divorced my husband.
However, he continues to have a relationship with my ex-husband. This enrages me. I felt like he sided with the ex at every turn during our separation and divorce, and now I feel like he's incapable of understanding my feelings. I'm still friendly with my ex, although I have tremendous guilt issues over not having figured myself out before dragging him into a marriage. My dad's point is that his friendship with my ex has nothing to do with me.
Am I just being a petty bitch or is he being an insensitive asshole? —Angry Lesbian Daughter
A: Petty bitch or insensitive asshole, petty bitch or insensitive asshole, petty bitch or insensitive asshole — does it have to be one or the other, ALD?
Your dad bonded with your ex while you were married and didn't regard the divorce as your ex's fault. Perhaps your dad took your ex's side because he couldn't see that the divorce wasn't entirely your fault, either. You were a victim too, ALD — victimized by the homophobia you had internalized. The homophobic culture that rendered you incapable of recognizing that you were a lesbian before you dragged your ex into a doomed marriage is ultimately to blame — that doesn't mean you bear no responsibility — and if your dad couldn't see that at the time and was insensitive, then, yeah, he owes you an apology.
But you brought your ex into your dad's life, your dad bonded with him as a son-in-law, and it's unfair of you to demand that your dad cut all ties to your ex. That's controlling, irrational behavior — aka petty bitchery — and you should apologize to your dad for it.
You have a right to your feelings, of course, and if your dad's relationship with your ex makes you uncomfortable, it makes you uncomfortable. In this era of divorce, remarriage and blended families, rest assured that you're not the only person in the world with an ex who's still, for better or worse, part of the family.
Find the Savage Lovecast (Dan Savage's weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.