Q: I love the wifeI married two years ago, but she absolutely can't come unless she uses a vibrator on herself. She's asked me to let her use it during sex or for me to use it on her, but I've refused. It's bad enough knowing I can't compete with that thing without having to look at it.
—Let's Insert My Prick
A: Yeah, yeah, limp, you can't compete. Like a lot of other men, you've fallen in love with a woman who needs intense, focused stimulation in order to come, the kind of sensation that hands, fingers, tongues and cocks just can't provide — a woman who requires a vibrator. Now let's take a little time to grieve, shall we?
Now stop being such a douche bag about this, LIMP, and go ask the wife to show you just how to hold the vibrator and just where to apply pressure so that you — you! — can start giving her orgasms during sex. See the vibrator as a tool, moron, not a threat. If you love your wife and want her to stay married to you, LIMP, get on the proverbial stick. Because if being with you means going without orgasms during sex for the rest of her life — all because she was foolish enough to marry an insecure bag of slop who refuses to do what needs to be done to get her off — then your wife just might decide to be with someone else.
And now an important message for all straight guys everywhere: Some women need vibrators to get off. Why? Well, perhaps it has something to do with the fact that most of a woman's clitoral tissues are inside her body; the exposed part of her clitoris is just the tip, comparable to the head of your penis. Now imagine if the shaft of your penis was buried inside your body, guys. You might need the help of a vibrator to get off then too; you might need a tool that could stimulate your shaft through layers of skin and muscle and fat. We've been over and over this since the early 1990s, fellas, and there's no excuse anymore for freaking out about your wife, girlfriend or mom needing a vibrator, OK?
But any ladies feeling smug about guys feeling insecure about your sex toys might want to check out RealTouch, a new sex toy for men. A self-lubricating, self-heating sex toy with gears and belts and bells and whistles, the RealTouch simulates — somehow or other — the sensations of twats, asses, and mouths, according to its manufacturers. It can be plugged into a computer and synced up with porn clips so that it speeds up, slows down, grips, whatever, in time with the speeding up, slowing down, gripping and whatever that you're watching on the screen.
While I doubt a RealTouch is going to "make all of your fantasies come true" (unless you've always fantasized about getting your dick caught in a coked-up Dust Buster), it looks like we're one step closer to those sexbots we've heard so much about. We're certainly closer to sex toys for men that women are going to feel like they have a hard time competing with. (I know, ladies, yes. But the Internet isn't technically a sex toy.)
Now, I haven't placed my cock in a RealTouch, so I'm not vouching for it. I'm also not remotely interested in trying out a first-generation RealTouch, because I don't want the thing going all Westworld on me with my cock jammed inside it. (Readers under the age of 35 might want to ask someone over 35 to explain the Westworld reference.) So please don't send me one, manufacturers. But anyone out there who has tried one and lived to tell the tale, I'd like to hear from you at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Q: I'm 19 years old and gay and a virgin. Now I've met a guy I kind of like. He's hot, great body. He wanted to fuck me, to be my first, the night we met, but I'm not sure I want to have anal sex. He insisted that we didn't need to use a condom, since I'm a virgin and he's "clean," and got kind of upset when I tried to say no. I'm going to see him again, and I don't think I'll be able to make the same excuse again. (I told him I wasn't feeling "empty" enough to do it that night.) What do I say to get him to use condoms? I don't want to drive him off, because he's really hot. But I don't want to be unsafe or get HIV or even have anal sex right now. —Just Out Newbie
A: We've covered this issue before, too, JON — but, gee, the last time I answered a letter from a gay kid in your situation was, um, when you were 12. But the advice I gave Bright Kid, Big City back then still applies now, so here it goes:
Look, JON, any faggot who wants to fuck you in the ass without a condom is the last person on Earth you should be having sex with — anal or otherwise, condoms or no condoms. Guys who pressure you into having sex without condoms are having or have had unsafe sex with other people, which means that they're either infected already or will be shortly. If you don't want to get infected, your best course of action when a guy pressures you into having sex without condoms — or any kind of sex you're not comfortable with — is to pull up your pants and leave.
And since you're not particularly interested in anal sex right now, JON, I'd urge you to tell the guys you do go home with that you're just not up for getting fucked. An aversion to anal sex when you're young and just out and easily manipulated is something you should hold on to, JON, even cultivate. Skipping anal sex during your great-big-slut, just-coming-out, making-your-mistakes phase will greatly reduce your risk of contracting HIV and a host of other STIs. Then one day, with luck, you'll meet a nice, decent guy, also hot, who wants to take things slow — a guy who isn't a manipulative, selfish, barebacking piece of shit. And when you meet that guy, JON, you can explore anal with someone who cares about you enough to take it slow and wear condoms.
Anal sex, despite the impression created by HIV "prevention" materials you may have encountered, should not be a first-date activity. Reserve your asshole for guys you're serious about, JON, and for guys who are serious about you. The hot motherfucker you're seeing right now isn't worthy. Walk away.
Q: Rick Warren is really fat, so maybe "saddlebacking" could be a new name for the act we chub chasers call belly fucking, which is a stupid name. Basically, saddlebacking would be straddling your fat mate and then humping his belly until you come all over his face and chest.
—Love Guys' Big Tummies
A: Sorry, LGBT, but the nominating process is closed. Volunteers are counting the votes and recounting the votes and double-checking the votes — it's fucking Minnesota around here. Right now, two definitions are neck and neck: It looks like "saddlebacking" is either going to be "gay anal sex with a condom (the opposite of barebacking)" or "a term for the phenomenon of Christian teens engaging in unprotected anal sex in order to preserve their virginities." Results next week!Download Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage