Q: Whenever we make love, my girlfriend begs me to say “sexy things” to her. I have no clue as to what she means or what to say. She tells me she’s turned on by “dirty” talk. Can you please give me some examples of sexy things to say or tell me where I can get educated about what to say when we’re making love? —Lust for Words
A: You’re in real danger here, LFW. I have a file full of letters from men whose wives/girlfriends asked them to “talk dirty to me” or — even worse — “tell me your wildest fantasies.” Many of these men made the mistake of doing what their girlfriends/wives asked. Generalizing about 3 billion people on the one hand (men) and 3 billion people on the other hand (women) is a dangerous business, but a woman’s idea of “dirty” or “wild” is often very different from a man’s. She’ll say, “Talk dirty to me,” and he’ll say, “Suck my cock, you whore,” and she’ll freak out because what she wanted to hear was, “I love your delicious juices, honey.” She’ll say, “Tell me about your wildest fantasy,” and he’ll say, “Piss on me,” and she’ll freak out because what she wanted to hear was, “I want to lick whipped cream off your nipples.”
Yes: There are women out there who want nothing more than to be called whores and who love to piss on their boyfriends/husbands. But they’re exceptions. So ladies, be warned: Men are kinkier than women, so the things men fantasize about are often dark and, if you’re game, hotter than hell. If you’re the type of woman who isn’t kinky at all or who considers “Oh, yeah, do me!” to be dirty talk, maybe you shouldn’t ask your boyfriend/husband to talk dirty or share his wildest fantasies. You might not like what you hear. And guys, be warned: When she asks you to talk dirty or share your wildest fantasies, don’t just blurt out “pegging” or “Get on your knees, bitch” or, like one guy in my file, “I want you to tie me up, gag me with your dirty panties, then piss all over me.” That may be your wildest fantasy, but just because she asked doesn’t mean she’s ready to hear it. While I think that people should share their fantasies with each other — of course! — straight men need to take things slowly and reveal a little at a time, gauging the girlfriend’s/wife’s reaction the whole time. Finally, LFW, the best advice for a guy who’s been asked to talk dirty or to reveal his wildest fantasies is ... turn the tables. Ask her to talk dirty or, if she can’t do that, ask her to describe the sorts of things she wants you to say. If she can’t even do that, ask her to write them down. Whatever you do, don’t go down the dirty-talk road without some directions from the girlfriend.
Q: My husband and I have been married just over three months and have been together about a year and a half. I really love him a lot, but he recently decided that he’s bi-curious. I love the company and friendship of bi or homosexual guys. But when it comes to my husband, I get extremely turned off and damn near disgusted. I don’t know what to do, because he wants to experiment; we have been talking about swinging and things of that nature. —Suddenly Bi Guy’s Bride
A: Divorce the bi guy. Seriously.
I’m not suggesting that bisexual men can’t be good husbands, SBGB. Bisexual guys make fine husbands for adventurous straight women — especially all you straight women out there who get off on watching two guys together. But guys who know they’re bi (or bi-curious) are obligated to tell their fiancees before the wedding. The fact that this bi guy sprang the news on you so soon after tells us two things: First, he knew he was bi before he married you; second, he’s a dishonest and manipulative piece of shit. (“I’ll tell her right after we get married. That way it won’t be so easy for her to leave me.”) His deceitfulness at the beginning of your marriage doesn’t fill me with hope about its long-term prospects.
Q: Your response to “Hot for Butt Lovin’” was perfect. He wanted to know how he could convince his girlfriend to “give up her ass,” and you told him that he should give up his own ass first. Bless you, Dan! Every time some testosterone-poisoned dork puts the anal sex question/demand to me, I say “OK, but you first!” It shuts ’em up real fast. Wake up, guys. If you avoid going to the doctor for checkups mainly because you don’t want a finger up your ass, why do you assume that we women want something even bigger up our asses? —Right On, Dan
A: Thanks for sharing, ROD. Jesus, straight men are such selfish pigs, aren’t they?
Q: Dan, you recently missed a chance to set straight women straight about the whole come-on-the-face thing. Let’s remember that anytime a man goes down on a woman he’s going to end up with his face absolutely shellacked with her fluids (and probably a pubic hair or two lodged in his throat). So where do women get off complaining about getting our juices on their faces? —Equal Time Slime
A: Thanks for sharing, ETS. Jesus, straight women are such selfish pigs, aren’t they?
Q: Your advice to SADBOY, the pedophile college kid, was exactly what he needed to hear. As a man who has always felt a sexual attraction to boys, it’s exactly what I would have told him. I also thought about going into teaching, but realized that it would be a big mistake. I eventually got counseling and learned that I wasn’t ever going to banish such thoughts, no matter what, and it was my obligation to make sure I didn’t get myself in trouble and/or mess up some kid. I was in a satisfying relationship with another adult ... which is a must for SADBOY and any other man with these thoughts. And I never, not once, put myself in a position where I’d be around young boys to any significant degree. I’m 50 years old now, and I still think about boys. But I’ve kept it totally under control for all these years and led a pretty damned good life. I hope SADBOY can do the same. —Been There, Didn’t Do It
A: After running SADBOY’s letter, people wrote in to say that what SADBOY really needs is a lethal injection and not, as I suggested, a therapist. But the ranters and ravers need to bear this in mind: The overwhelming majority of pedophiles never, ever act on their desires. Like BTDDI, most men and women with a sexual attraction to kids — something they didn’t choose — struggle mightily against their desires all their lives and never rape a child. These praiseworthy pedophiles (that’s a new concept, huh?) deserve our support, not lethal injections.
Dan Savage’s new book, Skipping Towards Gomorrah: The Seven Deadly Sins and the Pursuit of Happiness in America (Dutton), goes on sale Oct. 10. (More info at skippingtowardsgomorrah.com.)Contact Dan Savage at firstname.lastname@example.org