If there's one thing the Detroit Lions love, it's finding creative ways to lose. If there are two things the Detroit Lions love, the second would be finding creative ways to injure themselves with food. Whether it's wide receiver Nate Burleson crashing his car on I-696 while reaching for a delicious slice of pizza (out nine games, broken arm), or Joe Cullen ditching his clothes for a late night Wendy's drive-thru (out one game, broken mind), there's just something about letting these Motor City Kitties around food that throws up warning signs faster than a Jim Schwartz challenge flag. So without further ado, let's look at the odds of five key role players the Lions staff should keep away from the kitchen.
Haloti Ngata (defensive tackle)
Acquired via trade this offseason to plug the massive hole in the defensive line left by Ndamukong Suh shuffling his fat ass to the Castro Sandwich paradise that is Miami, Ngata immediately realized which team he was traded to and got a leg up on the injured reserve list by straining a tendon while stringing up some hams. He has yet to play a down in a Honolulu Blue jersey, but in the proud Lions tradition of talking mightily without showing any results, Ngata has taken to the press saying he will be playing this season "with a chip on my shoulder." Better Made or Lay's, he wouldn't say.
Odds of eating not just the chip, but his whole shoulder – 92%
Ameer Abdullah (running back)
This year's second-round draft pick, rookie running back Ameer "The Butcher" Abdullah, has impressed national pundits with a solid preseason as he looks to prove that his 1,690 yards for the Nebraska Cornhuskers can translate to big-league success. Scouting reports say "The Butcher" has nearly zero percent body fat. Unfortunately his own Twitter states he is involved in a long-distance relationship with University of Wisconsin runner Georgia Ellenwood. Like any recent college grad in an LDR, Abdullah can look forward to a lot of late night Gchats, Netflix, and pizza. Goodbye, perfect bod.
Odds of choking on a Ghost Pizza from Hamtramck when another dude pops into his girl's Gchat window when she was supposed to be watching season four of Parks and Rec on Netflix with him – 21%
Corey Fuller (wide receiver)
The second-year wideout has spent the preseason battling all other receivers for the right to have Matthew Stafford sling sidearm throws 5 yards behind him, and if head coach Jim Caldwell is to be believed then Fuller looks to "carry a pretty big load" for the Lions this year. Despite starting the first two preseason games, he did not have a reception in either. Hopefully in the regular season he starts hogging the ball as much as he hogs the Pepsi.
Odds of going hard on the Pepsi and contracting a UTI from wetting the bed the night before the family's big vacation to a rainy Florida – 83%
Darius Slay (cornerback)
"Big Play" Slay is looking to make 2015 the season when he finally steps up to take his rightful spot as No. 1 cornerback in the league. As part of a secondary that went 11 consecutive games with an interception last season, there won't be much in the way to stop him. Unless, that is, he finally reaches the moon he declared "unreachable" on Twitter.
Odds of eating himself to death on a moon made out of spare ribs – 23%
Manny Ramirez (guard)
The former Boston Red Sox great has had to bulk up for his transition from playing right field in the MLB to playing left guard in the NFL. Sources say he's having a bit of trouble, and if rumors are to be believed then he may be exerting a tad too much energy throwing tantrums at the Ren Cen's Joe Muer Seafood because their "lobster and butter ain't shit compared to what they got in New England." Nonetheless, Manny "The Man Ram" Ramirez has been dutifully tearing up metro Detroit's seafood scene in search of the perfect lobster roll. [Editor's Note: this is a different Manny Ramirez.] Then why does he eat so much seafood?
Odds of entering early retirement after realizing the only clam chowder that can complete him is back on the Eastern seaboard – 65%